


Behind Walls

by Dominura



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Abuse of Authority, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Prison, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Character Death, Crochet, Death, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Eating Disorders, Graphic Violence, Injury, M/M, Major Character Injury, Modern Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan, POV Eren Yeager, Prison, Rape/Non-con Elements, Sorry (not sorry) I made all ur faves bad people, Violence, WARINGS AND SPOILERS, conniejean, ereri, eruri - Freeform, everyones sad and no ones allowed to be happy, jeanconnie, riren - Freeform, ships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-05
Updated: 2018-09-06
Packaged: 2019-06-22 10:31:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 32
Words: 91,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15580008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dominura/pseuds/Dominura
Summary: Eren is serving 15 years for second degree murder of his uncle. He accepts that his young life is going to be wasted in this cramped and horrible place loaded to the brim with the worst people imaginable.  But, what he doesn’t want to accept is maybe this place and it's people arn't as bad as it may seem.(I uploaded two copies of this by accident sjkdhfksjdhf this is right one, sorry for those who commented/bookmarked the other)





	1. Safe-breaker

**Author's Note:**

> AO3 pooped out on me, so this is the second upload
> 
> This work is complete!!! I have 32 chapters in total :D! Since I never finish WIPs, I wanted to make sure that this one would be ready before I actually post it! I'll post the chapters as I do final editing. I really like this story, setting and characters :) please let me know if you like it too!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jackets are the friends we meet along the way

It all happens so quickly. It’s like, one day everything was fine and suddenly with one blink, everything changed. The days, weeks and months pass by my eyes like credits on a screen, I can hardly keep up. I’ve closed my eyes and covered my ears and begged to God for it stop. But, time after time again, my wishes go unanswered and time refuses to rewind. The surreal world that soon became my reality started with Mikasa crying.

For all the years I’ve known her, I’ve never seen her cry. The girl is as tough as nails, she’s torn muscles and fractured bones with only a flinch. She even went to the funeral for her parents and as much as her face was twisted with grief, she never let a tear escape her eye. But in the end, after all that we’ve been through, it was me who made her fall to he knees and cry. It’s ironic that this happened while I was trying to protect her. 

“You don’t look like a murder,” A small round face looks inquisitively at me from the back of the bus seat in front of me, the most noticeable feature other than his wide eyes are the diamonds tattooed all over his shaved head. My eyes narrow to focus on him, the light coming from outside is blinding. “I watched your trial on TV,” he continues without my response, I want him to leave me alone, he talks too much with his hands despite them being shackled, “or my girlfriend did, but she told me everything that happened so it was like I’d watched it, yunno?” 

“Right,” I say with disinterest, as I turn my head to the window. There is nothing but fields and light blue sky with a glaringly bright sun for as far as the eye can see. My hands won’t stop shaking and my stomach is wound in tight knots causing me to feel like I’m about to be sick. I can’t tell if I’m nervous or car sick, but looking out onto the horizon helps. 

“I’d shake your hand, but well,” he jingles the iron around his wrists, he continues to be friendly towards me despite my ignoring him, “I’m Connie, safe-breaker extraordinaire,” he announces with finesse, he must not be much of an ‘extraordinaire’ seeing he’s in here. “I can tell from where we’re sitting on the bus that we’re both going to minimum,” he continues, “maybe we will be in the same unit. All those guys back there are going to max. The system must be real broke if they’re shipping us all on one busted ass short bus.” I look over my shoulder at the inmates sitting behind us, all those guys got to be at least twice my size. My eyes meet with one of them and I quickly turn back. 

“I suppose it’s a good thing we’re not going where they’re going,” I reply. He nods with agreement but something catches his eye and he turns to look past me at someone sitting behind us with muted disdain. I turn to see what he’s looking at. A wolf whistle, some kissing sounds and an obscene hand gesture from one of the other inmates makes my head snap back to the window. 

“Looks like you made a friend or two already,” Connie smiles and gives them the middle finger and I appreciate the gesture, but it doesn’t seem to stop them as another one joins in. It takes three of them hooting at me for a guard to tell them to shut up and tells Connie to sit back down. I want to disappear, to roll into a ball small enough that I become nothing and fade away. Fifteen years without parole is a long time, I’ll be in my thirties when I come out, but somehow I’ll have to make this bearable and survive this place or else it will eat me alive. 

“Are you listening to me, Jaeger?” A female guard’s voice rips me from a haze. 

I blink, “yes,” I nod, I’m freezing cold and soaking wet, I’m standing in a shower stall when my eyes focus I see the short red-haired guard holding a towel out for me. I quickly dry myself, the towel is rough and feels like sandpaper against my skin, this place couldn’t be further from home. I peer around, it’s just Connie, her and myself. I shiver uncontrollably, there is an industrial-sized fan blowing icy air in our direction it stings my skin like sleet in a blizzard. 

“You’re going to have to learn a thing or two about listening, I’m not going to ask you again,” she taps her pen on a clipboard, “You want denim or down?” 

“Um,” she’s talking about jackets, she holds them up in front of me, but I have no idea why she’s asking. I feel a nudge from Connie as he slowly mouths den-num, “denim. Denim is fine,” I reply quickly and she adds a blue denim jacket to the second pile of clothes, shoes, and bedding. 

“Never get the down jackets,” Connie whispers once she is out of ear range, “they might be warm and shit, which is nice for this place since we gotta march from building to building like a million times a day, but they don’t wash right and they all smell like piss, cigs, BO, ass, you name it. Plus, the denim is more slimming.” I thank him, it seems I dodged a bullet. He pats me on the shoulder before we follow the guard down the hall, he seems to know a lot about this place, I wonder how many times he’s been in here. 

The whole place has a smell of Pine-Sol and old damp cement, it’s so strong it’s nauseating. Trost Prison is well over hundreds of years old, and now that I’m inside I’m starting to feel the age of the building. As we pass heavy manned gate after heavy manned gate I get the feeling like I’m descending into hell. The exposed brick walls are layered with multiple coats of peeling paint and the flickering ceiling lights seem all too familiar to the ones in interrogation rooms. The closer we get to our new unit the louder it gets. RED UNIT, is painted on the wall in all caps as if a warning to run while you still can. Chatter, buzzing, an off-station radio, plastic furniture shuffling around. When she opens up the final gate into the open space I instantly feel eyes on me. 

It's two stories of cells 360 degrees and a small central living area with plastic chairs and piles of inmates just standing around. I keep my eyes ahead of me as some of them approach us, but they’re careful not to get too close. The guard may be small, but she can command them to stay away with just a single look. 

Two of the inmate’s whisper to each other and gawk silently at the sight of us. I didn’t notice until now but my uniform is different from theirs and Connie’s and it’s drawing their attention like moths to light. They’re all in faded red sweatsuits but I’m in a gray sweatsuit with Trost Prison printed on the back. With all the noise and the way it echoes in this grain silo of a building, it’s a wonder anyone could hear anything. She pauses and flips through the well-organized papers on her clipboard, “Springer you’re in 107, I’m sure you don’t need me to take you there,” she speaks to Connie in a monotone voice, this is all routine for her, “ there is orientation this afternoon at 19:00, attending for you is optional.” 

“Ok, thank you, ma’am,” he starts walking off before he spins back on one foot, “but will there be coffee and donuts at the orientation?” 

“There usually is,” she says without smiling. 

“Then I’ll be there,” he grins before skipping off with all his stuff. He only gets a few steps in when inmates gather around to greet him. They swam around him and pat him on the back while asking him why he is back so soon, he grins and soaks up the attention. Watching him get such a welcoming, I’m a little envious that he has so many friends in here, I didn’t come here to make friends but having a few couldn’t hurt. She leads me up the stairs to cell 200. Only when she opens the door and I look into the cell do I realize how horribly cramped they are. I’m slightly claustrophobic and even with the door open, I feel a little panicky. One set of bunk beds take up half the room and there is some weird toilet sink combo right next to the door with only a half brick wall for separation. Under the window, there is a deep makeshift bookshelf loaded with textbooks and papers in files. 

“The bottom bunk is yours,” she motions to the empty bunk, “I’ll be back in about three hours to bring you to orientation, and keep the door open, unless you want to see me again sooner. Welcome to Trost Penitentiary.” 

“Oh, ok,” I stammer, I must look like a lost child holding my bedding and clothes. I set them on the empty bunk and look to the marked-up blue concrete wall across for me. It’s covered in graffiti that’s been carved in over the years. Names, gang tags, dicks, and tally’s counting down days. It’ a dreadful place. Perhaps it’s finally starting to set in that this is where I live now, it hits me hard like a punch to the stomach. I’d rather be anywhere but here. 

“And, who the fuck are you?” A voice and a face hang over the top bunk. Two narrow grey eyes stare at me, I nearly jump out of my skin. This must be my new bunkmate.


	2. Drop Em'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Literally

“E-Eren,” I stammer as he leaps down from above me like a hunting tiger, his face may be threatening but height wise - anti-climactic, to say the least. Still, despite his height, I’m sure he could kick the shit out of me easily. His tired, long and narrow eyes scan my face and body, with the way he is looking it feels a though he can see under my clothes. I shift uncomfortably, he looks unsatisfied with my answer. 

“No, your last name,” He says as if I should know that he meant that in the first place, “Unless that is your last name, which in that case you have a stupid ass last name-” 

“Jaeger,” I clear my throat, his seemingly endless unimpressed glare is giving me the impression I’m doing something wrong, “Eren Jaeger,” I repeat myself stiffly. 

“Ok, James Bond,” he rolls his eyes slightly before he takes a step to the heavy door and closes it despite the guard’s earlier orders. For some reason, I feel like I’m in for one hell of a ride this first day, and I’m not sure if that is a good thing or not. With the door closed, it’s dead silent, I gulp nervously as he leans against the door with his arms outstretched.

“Welcome to paradise, I’m Levi Ackerman, you’re new cellie and guide to the prison underworld,” he says with a deadpan expression that’s on the same level as his deep monotone voice, I’m not sure how to respond so I say silent, “A few rules,” he begins to count off his fingers, “Don’t touch my shit, the door stays closed if I’m in the room, don’t talk to me if I’m shitting, keep the room clean, you only can put your stuff where I say, you’ll get up for the first shower at five every day, and,“ he points to a spot on the floor, his words blend in seamlessly as if he’s said it a million times, “stand here and drop your pants for me.” It seemed reasonable until the last one. 

“What? No,” my voice shoots up an octave as he takes a step closer, eclipsing me in his shadow. I knew full well that prison could be like this, but I’d hope that at least I’d be safe inside my own cell. With the door closed, I could scream and it would get lost in all the noise outside and the thick door. I can’t believe this guy, who the hell does he think he is?

“You heard me, let me see what you got,” his voice is serious and toneless, but it has a grit like sand under a contact lens, I can’t for the life of me tell if he’s joking or not. My hands ball into fists and I shake my head to the ground It's like the first day at a new school all over again, everyone is going to base how they treat you for the rest of the year entirely off of the first day. He taps his foot on the ground impatiently, I shake my head again, I’m not going to let anyone push me around. I refuse to give into this little game he’s playing. 

“Okay,” he shrugs with easily foreseen disappointment, “well, if you’re not going to listen to me, I have no use for you, I’ll have them move you in with Auruo’s. I’d almost feel bad for you in that case,” he grimaces just thinking about the name, “he never showers, he’s a dick, he’s far more sexually frustrated than me and,” he eyes me up and down like a piece of meat, “you’re probably just his type.” I look up at him with utter dismay, his face remains unchanged. He’s taking this little joke too far, but then again I know nothing about this place, should I not try to remain on his good side if we’re going to live together? Still, this serves no other purpose than to humiliate me. 

“Why?” I question his authority with bitter resolve, “Why do you want me to do that?” 

“I won’t do anything,” he points firmly to the ground again, I press my tongue into my cheek and stand up. I don’t want to do it, but he’s probably going to see me undressed every day regardless. I’m not used to having no privacy or autonomy and as I step up to the plate and drop my pants and shorts he has this funny little look on his face. This is amusing for him. 

I look at the wall as he hones in on me, my cheeks burn, just his glare feels like hot knives on my skin. I’m completely exposed to him, and he seems to be enjoying this a little too much. It makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up, “That’s enough,” he says sharply and I pull my clothes back up with relief, it seems he got what he wanted, “Remember that I’m in charge here and if you want my protection you’re going to make yourself useful to me and do what I say from now on,” he talks like an army commander. His legs parallel to his shoulders, straight back, folded hands and with his slightly overgrown military undercut, I have no doubt that he was a military man before he got here.

While protection seems like a useful commodity, I don’t want to take orders from anyone until I know it’s worth my time, “What if I don’t need your protection?” I argue back with him. He cracks his neck and takes a step closer to me, he’s annoyed, with his arm outstretched his shoves his finger into my breastbone, “you’re not fooling anyone with this tough guy attitude,” he scoffs threateningly at me and presses harder, his steel gray eyes weld into mine, “I’m doing you a favor when I don’t have to, Jaeger.” 

I bite my pride back, he’s right, if he’s trying to be nice to me he’s having a hard time showing it, “Fine,” I say and he extends his hand, his gaze lowers until I shake it with muted hesitation. I guess that’s it then, all this is leaving a bad taste in my mouth. 

“Good Boy,” he pats me on the shoulder like a dog. I don’t like this guy, not one bit. 

“Since you came early,” he looks at his wrist watch and yawns, “I might as well show you everyone relevant, it could be troublesome for me if you get involved with the wrong people,” I follow him out the door and he leans on the railing that overlooks the living section the same way a king would admire his empire, “Red unit is the laxest of all the units, so we only have two full-time day guards, Petra Ral who brought you in and Mike who’s just over there,” he points to an enormously tall man standing ominously behind a desk. I lean over the rail to take a look at him, the guard is keeping an eye on everyone like a hawk, “the man has a sense of smell like a drug dog and the ears to match,” Levi continues, “but he’s new here and still green, only about two years, so even if he knows something is going on he won’t always tell other CO’s because he is still trying to be on our side, Petra on the other hand,” he points to a large glass window where the small redheaded guard sits behind a desk on the phone, “she’s been here as long as I have, she follows the rules to a T, for the most part. She’s a hardass when she wants to be.” 

I nod, I see the bald guy from the bus and a few others sitting in the corner in a circle chatting, “Those are the noble thieves, there are a little more trustworthy than those guys over there,” he nods in the direction of five or so guys standing inside and outside a cell, “those guys are ex-gang members, they’re only here because there is no room for them in protective custody. They act like they’re trying to do better but it's better not to get involved with them unless you want more years on your sentence.” They look tough and they’re all covered in tattoos. They seem to have no interest in wearing shirts even though it's freezing cold in here. 

“What about those guys?” I notice some older men sitting around a table and reading without talking or acknowledging each other. None of them really look like criminals, no tattoos, well-maintained salt and pepper hair and straight uniforms. “Corporates and lifers,” he taps on the railing, “they’re not dangerous, but they’re also not fun either.” 

“Who is fun?” I say without thinking, he laughs a little but his eyes don’t. 

“No one and nothing, it’s prison, kid, but,” he cocks his head, before teetering on the rail, It takes a sharp glare from C.O. Petra to get him to stop, “there are ways to pass the time around here. Some guys read, draw, hustle, write, workout, study, get a job, you just need to stay out of trouble and do your own time. How long you in for?”

“Fifteen,” I say but I don’t believe the words coming out of my mouth. I’ve only been here less than an hour and it starting to feel surreal. 

He lets out a long whistle, “looks like we will be getting out around the same time.” He seems overly comfortable in this place it is almost as if everything he said has been scripted or just repeated many times. Which is likely true, he’s probably had dozens of cellmates by now. I look at his hands, they look smooth and his nails are well groomed, which surprises me given the place we’re in. 

“Where do you fit in with all these guys?” I ask him, it seems to catch on his ear because he hangs his head and lets out a puff of air. 

“Everywhere, but also nowhere, and that’s how it should be, I keep to myself, and I suggest you do the same,” he answers intentionally vaguely, “I hate being out here, it’s so goddam noisy, let’s go back so I can show you how to put your bed together.” I follow him back into the cell and he dictates rather than teachers how I should set up my bunk. Even though having a messy cell makes its inhabitants less favourable to the guards, he seems more self-interested in keeping the place clean. There are rules he tells me, and if he’s going to ‘look after’ me it’s probably in my best interest to follow them. Soon as my bed is made I lay down on the neatly folded sheets, I didn’t realize how exhausted I’ve become until my head hits the pillow. 

Not just physically exhausted, but emotionally too. It’s hard to feel like an individual or even a person in here. I roll to the wall and Levi laments, I didn’t realize he was still watching me, “Listen,” he looks towards the door and then back at me, he speaks sympathetically to me for the first time, “the first week is the worst, but it’s easier than out there once you get used to it, I’m sure you’ll be fine. I’ll show you around tomorrow, alright?” 

I nod and thank him. He tells me he’s going to go study, he’s got tons of complicated looking medical books, who knows what he’s studying but at least with him not talking I can feel as though I’m by myself for a bit. With my eyes closed, except for the smell of this place, it could almost be home. I wish I could be home with Mikasa, she’s probably all alone in that huge house of ours. She must feel trapped without me.

At the orientation, which is located in one of the many classrooms, more new inmates and Connie are there. Connie sits right beside me, which is beside the refreshment table and engorges himself on the coffee and donuts. We’re the only ones in Red unit, it seems like everyone else is headed elsewhere. Since each unit has a different schedule they give us each a print out specific to our unit. We shower between either 5:00 to 5:20 or 8:00 to 8:20, breakfast is at 8:30, between then and 10:30 we are allowed to walk around but only to select places within the main building. At 11 which is lunch, then (organized) rec between 11:40-5:30, dinner at 6-6:30, 7-9 is in unit rec, and after 10 we’re stuck in our cells until morning. It’s the same every day. Pretty bland. 

There is another sheet with hours of services, like the barber, commissary, counseling, visiting hours, church service, etc. etc. Connie offers me a cherry filled donut, which tastes good given that we haven’t eaten yet. As if the universe had read my mind a guy wheels in a cart with trays of food. We all leave our seats to grab one. As staff member continues to explain how jobs and pay works I pick through the food. Two white dinner rolls, spaghetti in meat sauce, carrots and rice pudding. It looks ok, but soon as I take a bite of the wad of spaghetti wound around my spork and begin to slowly chew. I frown once it hits my palate, I realize this is going to be long fifteen years. Connie passes me a few packages of salt and pepper which I sprinkle all over the spaghetti and carrots. Having the salt burn my tongue like napalm makes it bearable at least. 

During the orientation, the prison warden, Keith Shadis, shows up. He looks like a terrifying skeleton with a goatee. He yells everything, which is completely unnecessary in such a small classroom. Thankfully, he’s only able to briefly introduce himself and rant on about prison being a well-oiled machine before a guard tells him he as a phone call and he rushes him out of the room. We get our photos taken for our ID cards, I’m told we have to wear them at all times unless we want to take it up with the Warden. By the time the class part of the orientation is over, it's 7 and all the other inmates locked away in their units. Staff lead us to the two dining halls, theater, the library, past the chapel, the gym, the yard, three showers, some classrooms, the laundry and the medical centre. We share most of these spaces with other units I’m told. By the time I get back to Red unit it's 8 and I’m beat.

The only thing interesting that I learned is that there are seven main units, which are named after the colours of the rainbow, ROYGBIV. Along with two separate units, white for the psych/medical unit and black for the special handling unit, aka solitary. It's kind of funny that such a bland and depressing place could be colour coordinated in such a flamboyant and cheerful way. 

“What are you smirking about?” Levi looks callously at me over the edge of his bunk.

“Nothing,” I say, but my voice betrays me and I start to laugh but it’s not real laughter, I don’t know what it is, madness? Frustration? Disbelief? “Who the hell came up with colour coding the units, this is some stupid shit. I mean,” I can’t stop myself from rambling as Levi raises an eyebrow, “I thought Roy G. Biv was a guy, but nope. This whole place feels like high school again only everyone’s nuts and is here because they fucked up and like, I fucked up but at least I’m not a bad person right? I don’t really belong here like all these psychos, wearing this stupid ass gray sweat suit for a whole week before I can get a red one and-“ 

“Well,” Levi rolls back to his bed and shuts off his reading light, he has no interest in listening to me ramble on all night, “if you’re going to cry you might as well get it over with now, I can’t deal with sobbing during the night, it gives me indigestion.”

“I’m not going to cry,” I laugh, but it doesn’t sound believable, it still can’t stop myself from laughing, “this is just all so funny.” 

“Sure it is, goodnight, Jaeger,” he says before shifting under his sheets. I grumble and pull the sheets up to my nose, it goes quiet. Without the sound of my voice, all I can hear is the sound of the prison. The sudden clanks of metal, doors buzzing, and someone screaming at the top of their lungs and rattling bars in the distance. It's horrible. 

I want to go home, but I’m not going to cry about it. I know Mikasa said she’s going to come and visit me as soon as she can, but even if she came in 5 minutes, it wouldn’t feel soon enough. Since I got arrested and charged I’ve only seen my dad once when he came to pay my bail. He couldn’t even look at me, I couldn’t tell if it was because he was ashamed of me or himself. As I shift around trying to get comfortable, I can hear someone crying through the vent in the ceiling. The voice comes and goes like a howling wind, it sounds so lonely like a trapped spirit or lost child. I shiver and put the pillow over my head to drown it all out.


	3. Wolf

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Or house cat?

“Rise and shine, Buttercup,” Levi jeers as leaps down from his bunk, I groan. It feel like I had just fallen asleep. I look at the clock its 10 to 5, I groan again. Levi rips the blankets off my body, the cold air hits me like an arctic wind, I recoil like fat ground slug being thrown to the surface, “Make your bed like I showed you yesterday, they will be here soon.” It takes all my energy to pull myself from my bed and even more to make it. Once I make it, Levi examines it with folded, “have you never made a bed before? This looks like shit.” 

“Not really,” I yawn, he tells me to do it again, so I try again. A moment before I’m done the door to the cell flies opens and the little female guard looks around our cell before escorting us and three others. Unsurprisingly, it's not popular to take a shower this early. I’m told that they allow early showers for those who work in the kitchen and do other early morning jobs before breakfast but that anyone could join if they so felt like it. 

“Why can’t we just wait until 8 like everyone else?” I whisper to Levi as we’re marched two by two down the hall. I’m so tired I can hardly keep my head up. Our group merges with a couple of others from other units. 

“Because by the time 8 rolls around every other unit has been in there, and the place is disgusting,” he frowns at the thought of it, “Hair everywhere, no soap, probably no towels or no hot water and it’s so full of naked men you can’t get a step without having a part of somebody touching you. The smell is awful. There are only 30 stalls and 60 guys in our unit and 15 minutes, do the math.” With a description like that suddenly getting up early doesn’t seem like a bad idea. 

Everyone rushes to undress, but I’m a little hesitant. There are no curtains on the majority of the stalls and the female guard is standing sitting right there reading a book. Levi is completely naked when he passes me a bottle of shampoo, despite being short in stature he’s got the body of a God, “Take it, it’s way better than the crap they have in the dispensers, I can’t have you stinking up the place,” he tells, I take it and rush into a stall. I’m too flustered to use my manners. 

Coming out of the shower my eyes immediately meet with another’s. Wide baby blue eyes attached to a small feminine figure with shoulder-length flaxen hair pulled partially into a messy ponytail. But my eyes only have to wander down a bit to confirm that this person is actually male. He has this odd look about him, as if he’s completely lifeless, even the way he moves is as if he is being controlled by an ethereal puppet master from above. He looks curiously at me, I’m about to open my mouth and say something, I don’t know what, when Levi walks past me he tugs on my arm, and the blue eyes dart away. 

“Who was that?” I say lowly once we get out of earshot. 

“Not your concern,” he says straightly as he tries to fix his hair in the mirror, “there are some people you’re better off just not talking to, put this in the bin over here,” Levi changes the subject and hands me his towel. Something is going on here. 

I do as he says but I look back in the direction where we came to see if he will come around the corner, but instead someone else comes he’s fully dressed and he stares me down like I’m a bartender and he wants to order. He looks old and a little crazy, maybe he’s senile, I try to ignore it but Levi picks up on the tension. 

“Fuck off, Auruo,” Levi glares at him in the mirror as if he’s not worthy of direct eye contact. 

“Hey, easy, easy,” He looks over his shoulder, and walks slyly towards us without taking his eyes off me, I put the rest of my clothes on, I don’t like the way this guy looks at me, it feels like his eyes are devouring me, “I’m just checkin’ out the new kid, someone was bawling like a baby all night, wasn’t you, right?” I’m about to tell him off when Levi does it for me. 

“Crying and blaming it on people?” Levi scoffs before I can answer, I’m starting to get the feeling that oil and water get along better than these two, but with that being said, watching them bicker is a tad entertaining, “that’s a little juvenile, even for you, Maybelline.” 

“Ok, ok I’ll drop it, but say,” his voice goes serious, “You get that thing in yet? You said it would come in last week and still nothin’.” 

Levi clears his throat and speaks quietly, “there’s been some issues but I talked to my guy last night and it’s on its way, I’ll check with him later, but I’ll get it. Have I ever let your wrinkly old saggy ass down?” I wonder what they’re talking about, but I try not to see too interested. 

“Who says this won’t be the first time,” he grumbles but looks pleased in a smug way. The guard shouts for us to come outside and we do so. Back in the cell, Levi is filing his nails, I’m eager to ask him about the conversation they just had. I look at the stuff piled onto Levi’s bookshelf, it seems he has amassed a lot of stuff since being here. 

“You’re going to need a watch and a few other things,” Levi speaks suddenly as if it’s something he just remembered, “Do you have a bank account set up yet?” They mentioned that at the orientation, I filled out the paperwork but bureaucracy is slow even around here. 

“No,” I scratch my head, “they said two weeks at least, I guess things are a little backed up.” 

“Not surprised, they really need to get their shit together,” he looks at his outstretched hand, he must not like what he sees so he goes back to filling, “I’ll take you to commissary after breakfast and get you a few things.” 

“Oh, it’s ok, really,” I’m a little flustered, I don’t know why he’s being nice to me, “you don’t have too.” 

“It’s fine, I’m looking after you, right? Can’t have you being late for shit like an idiot,” he seems like he’s in a good mood, he must be a morning person or maybe it was the hot shower. But either way, I hope he stays that way and doesn’t turn back into the guy I met on day one. I spot a picture on the wall, it’s the only one. It looks worn, full of creases and soft at the corners it, but its only dated about 8 years back. A man and a woman wearing military dress clothes stand proudly with a chest full of medals. It takes me a moment to realize that the man is Levi, he looks so much younger and healthier. Perhaps its because he has a slight tan and also, he’s smiling. It looks like the woman just told him a joke and he’s trying not to laugh at it. It looks good on him. 

“You were in the military?” I ask him out of curiosity and he nods, “What did you do?” 

“I was a marine, but all those medals I got were from my first real tour where they had me in medical,” he dusts off his fingers into the sink, “it was in Iraq.” 

“Oh,” I nod, I guess I was right about him being a military guy, “and the girl?” 

“My wife, Hanji,” he gets up and joins me in viewing the picture, “she’s the only good thing that ever happened to me.” His expression is somber and filled with longing, I can tell that he really cares about her. It must be hard being locked away from your own spouse for so long, I wonder if she comes and visits him often. But still, I didn’t expect him to be married, I guess people in here are more normal than I would have guessed. 

“She’s really pretty,” I sit on my bed, and continue to look at the picture, her striking facial features look almost familiar but there is no way I would have ever met her, “how did you meet her?” 

“In high school,” his face relaxes into a slight smile for the first time, he has little dimples at the sides of his mouth. I thought maybe before that he would look creepy if he smiled, but it's the exact opposite. I blush a little, a softened face looks much better on him, “She was two years ahead of me, but we were both on the track and field team. We’d just hang out all the time and get into trouble, we both joined the military on a whim,” the smile fades from his face, “being in the military is a lot like being in prison, honestly, the transition was easy for me. No freedom, boredom, low pay, smells like sweat, horny dudes, no ladies, people yelling in your face, chance of being killed, crappy food, more or less the same.” 

That’s some list, he must have given this a lot of thought. I prop my head up in my hands watch him get on the floor and start doing sit-ups, he’s so strong he makes it look easy, it’s then that I notice he’s not wearing a wedding ring, most of the guys still wear theirs in here, “but at least you got to choose it, you get paid at the end of the day and it's honorable.” 

“I suppose it seems that way from the outside, it didn’t feel like that all the time,” he manages his breaths, “do you have someone at home? A girlfriend? Wife?” 

I shake my head, “I broke up with my last girlfriend, Annie, about three years ago,” I shrug, after wanting it to work out so badly I still find it troublesome to talk about, “it was nice while I lasted but we are both so hot-headed that we fought over anything.” Truthfully, she seemed to be more interested in Mikasa than me, I doubt things would have ever worked out between us. The two of them must be getting on swell without me in the way now.

“Is that so?” He rolls over to do push-ups, I have no idea where he gets this energy from, “your hot-headedness what put you in here? You didn’t kill her, did you? Rumor has it that you’re in for murder.”

I freeze, I wonder if it was Connie who was running his mouth. I constrict my hands around one another, “I guess, but I’d never kill a woman, never mind Annie,” I couldn’t even imagine that, from both a moral and physical standpoint, “If I know Annie like I know Annie, she could probably fight someone twice my size with both her hands tied behind her head and still win. She does Judo and just got onto the Olympic team this year.” 

He looks impressed when he spreads out on the cool cement, it must feel nice on his skin, “sounds like my kind of woman,” his chest rises and falls as he attempts to catch his breath, “but who’d you kill?” He’s made up his mind and really wants to know. 

“Just one guy,” I slowly expel the air in my lungs, “My uncle, I happened so quickly, I don’t even remember doing it, but I did, I must have.” He looks at me with interest, his eyes wait eagerly on me to hear more. I hate talking about it, it makes me upset just to even think about it, so I avoid the topic as much as I legally can. 

I nod and rub my eyes, “I don’t really want to talk about it, besides,” I swiftly change the topic, “I don’t even know what you’ve done. For all I know, you could get off on stuff like that.” Considering how he tested me the first day and that he seems to keep to himself, it wouldn’t be much of a stretch to say he could be in for some weird sadistic crime. 

He eyes me carefully, he seems amused by what I said, “It’s a little early in the morning to be asking what I get off to,” he kicks at my feet and I pull them away from his reach with a scowl, “you like me that much already?”

This guy is annoying, “As if,” I grumble and roll back into bed, there is still time before breakfast and I have little intention of talking to him for that entire period of time. As much as I am intrigued by him, it doesn’t go past that. He doesn’t press me on it anymore and instead, he folds out his makeshift desk attached to the bookcase. He supports the new attachment with a piece of wood before he grabs a beaten up wooden box from under my bed. He pulls out a thick crossword book and flips through numerous completed crosswords until he gets to one and pulls out his pen. 

I shift around and try to go back to sleep but it's difficult, I fall in and out of rest for an hour and a half until the sounds of prison slowly crawl back. It seems others are starting to rise for the later shower slot. Noisy yelling, cussing and slamming. I wonder if all mornings are going to be like this, it’s one hell of an alarm clock. It already feels like I’ve been here for far too long. I roll over and watch him tap his pen against his face while he sinks deep into thought with furrowed brows. He has a lot of medical textbooks and murder-mystery novels on the shelf and just as many crossword books. He must be intelligent to have such challenging material. 

“What?” he looks down at me, I must have been staring. His displeased glare looks far better when he’s looking down at you rather than up. I clear my throat, and look away as if I’m disinterested “nothing.” 

“5 letter word,” he quizzes me, tapping his pen against the soft book, “A vampire with human traits. Topic is action movies,” He says as if interrogating me. “I haven’t watched many vampire movies,” He admits. I only need to think about it for a second, “Blade, with Wesley Snipes, right?” I respond, he silently spells out the word before writing it in. It must fit. He goes back to writing and ignoring me. By the time the tall guard comes to unlock our door to take us to breakfast he’s managed to finish the puzzle. 

“You’re going to the medical ward after this, right?” The guard asks Levi as we’re marched down the wide but short hall to the cafeteria. Levi nods. I wonder why he doesn’t look injured. In the cafeteria, I expect to see a school lunch line and inmates lined up with empty trays but instead at the front there is a pile of stacked plastic trays with food and people are just going up and grabbing them. 

“It’s always like this,” Connie’s sits beside me as I poke at the rapidly cooling food with my fingers, the oatmeal feels as though its consciously resisting my touch, it could be sentient, “they used to serve the food a long time ago I heard, but they stopped doing for some reason.” 

“It’s because there is only one kitchen now after the mouse infestation,” Levi assures me when he comes back with a cup of coffee, “so they just throw them together there and have someone bring it over in the trays and carts.” I hate eggs, just the smell makes me nauseous and unfortunately for me the whole place reeks of it. I’m glad when Levi offers to trade my eggs for his orange.

“Who’s the new guy?” A tall guy with freckles all over his face and shoulders slides in beside Connie and smiles at me. He has a gentle face. 

“I’m Connie,” Connie says with unnecessary flair, though clearly, the two have already met. The throw playful punches at each other.

“Yeah, yeah, Diamond head, you said you weren’t coming back and here you are,” he teases him before turning back to me, “I’m Marco Bott and that guy over there is Jean anywho’.” He points to an approaching guy with the most stupid looking hair I’ve ever seen in my life, it looks like road kill on top of his head, “Eren Jaeger,” I respond to him. The Jean person sits beside Marco and has little interest in me at all, his body language becomes meekish when he acknowledges Levi. Soon he and Marco begin chatting about cars. The five of us take up the entire small round table, but around us, I can’t help but feel everyone’s eyes on me. This place is dangerous, I shouldn’t forget that and get too comfortable. I was hungry but now that hunger is slowly fading away. 

“Is the coffee any good here?” I ask Levi who has succeeded in draining his entire cup in a matter of seconds. With the awkward way he grips the Styrofoam cup, it’s a miracle that half of it’s not running down his shirt by now. He didn’t hear me so I repeated it again, yet he’s managed to ignore me entirely. He’s looking at someone or something that’s over my shoulder. I turn to look to see what he’s looking at, he has his eyes fixed on a remarkably tall and well-built blonde man in a long crisp lab coat. He looks like the kind of guy who demands attention without even asking for it. 

“Who’s that?” I ask with food in my mouth. He seems to have all of Levi’s attention so he must be of interest, Levi continues to look at him and away several times until he clears his plate.

“No one,” he says without looking at me long after I’ve asked, “and the coffee is fine,” he gets up from his seat and walks over to him completely shoving me aside. I watch them interact, Levi is smiling like a love-struck teenage girl as the two walk away. Something is going on here, and I’d be lying if it wasn’t making me a little jealous. 

When I look to Connie, he has his arms crossed and is shaking his head with disappointment, “Those two,” he clicks his tongue and gets up as the bell rings, “looks like some things are still the same.” 

“What do you mean?” I ask him as we shuffle out of the room. Motions to me to follow him, we walk down the hall to the library. It’s a large hall lined with bookshelves, tables, and chairs. A table with a display of librarian recommended books greets us at the entrance. In a way, it feels like being in high school again. Only instead of hanging out in the library alone, I’m with someone. We walk past the sparsely packed bookshelves and sit at the corner table.

“Now,” he looks over his shoulder, “I’m only telling you this because you seem like a nice guy, and you’re cell mates with Levi but you didn’t hear this from me, alright?” we both lean in closer, I can feel the sweat forming on my brow, “That guy you saw, that’s Erwin, he’s the prison doc and Levi works in the medical ward. Normally, prisoners can’t work there, but they make an exception for him because they trust him since he’s been here for years for and years, he’s somewhat qualified and Erwin has the hots for him. But,” Connie shakes his head disapprovingly, “don’t try to get involved in anything relating to Erwin if you want to be tight with Levi. Actually, just avoid Erwin anyway, dude it’s a total creep if you ask me.” 

I sit back, it seems like there are a few people who I shouldn’t interact with but there isn’t much explanation as to why that is. As bland as this world may be from the surface it's full of activity and secrets below, it’s exciting in a way. 

“And just another heads up,” Connie leans in again, “don’t take anything from Levi. He’s probably going to want to buy you all kinds of stuff, but as tempting as it might be - turn it all down.” 

“Why?” Levi mentioned something about buying me a watch this morning, it seemed innocent enough considering that I own nothing in here nor do I have a bank account yet. I don’t know anything about Connie other than that he breaks open safes, has been in and out of here and is on Levi’s good side. I have no reason to trust him in the slightest, for all I know he could be trying to use me. But then again I know even less about Levi. 

“Levi is no wolf,” he speaks quietly with a punch of hesitation, “but don’t take this the wrong way or nothin’, but you’re way more attractive and younger than his last three to four cellmates, and in that regard I wouldn’t put it past him,” he taps on his temples, “He’s building a credit against you in his head and he’s going to want payment eventually.” 

“What do you mean a wolf?” Like the animal? Levi doesn’t seem vicious, maybe a little rough and abrasive around the edges but not much a real threat. It seems like he talks big, I suppose he’s more of a house cat than a wolf, at least this morning he was pretty laid back. In fact, he seemed almost friendly. I sit back, I’m completely lost in what he’s saying, clearly I’m missing something. 

“Let me show you,” he points across the room, my eyes follow his fingers to two tall burly dudes laughing at a dirty joke, with the way they’re standing and their predatorial eyes, they have a threatening aura about them, “those are wolves,” his finger drifts lightly to a small familiar face. It’s that girly looking blond guy from the shower room this morning, he’s sitting at a table with a pile of old books, “That’s wolfie chow, and you don’t want to end up like pretty boy over there.” 

I furrow my brows, “They bully him?” 

He puts his hand on his face, he looks frustrated with me, “What I’m trying to say is that,” he explains on his last legs, “Levi is the wolf, you’re about to be the chow and by eating I mean he’s going to want sex from you.” I feel my face burn there is an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. Levi was only testing me the first day, to see if I’d listen to him or not, I mean, he can’t really be like that, can he? I bite at the skin around my nails and look over to the blond guy. It seems like people try their best to ignore him and shoot him dirty glances. I can’t say that I’ve seen anyone talk to him, even Levi said I should just ignore him, I wonder what’s else is going on. Is that what it means to be a target? 

I’m about to inquire more on this when I notice a complete switch in Connie’s demeanor. He stiffens up a little bit and kicks me in the foot. I go to kick him back when I see Levi walking pacing towards us. He stops short from our table and acknoleges Connie before me. 

“Let’s go to commissary,” he says before motioning me to follow him, “I need your help carrying stuff back to our cell.” Connie gives me a loose ‘I told you so’ face and I gulp hard. Why do things never turn out right for me?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!!! A nice fresh chapter for ya~! Pls let me know if you like this, I am desperate for admiration!! sdfsdfsd


	4. Speed Runs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 63kg bag of wolfie chow :| 
> 
> CW: little bit of dubcon

“I’ll take two cases of the mixed chips, a case of licorice, toothpaste, a case of sprite, two two litres of coke, one of those watches, the nice one, and one of those red hot water bottles,” Levi reads off his imaginary list before I can even protest. There is no way out of this now. They don’t even tell him the cost and rig it through automatically as if it's completely assumed he’ll be able to pay for it. The other inmates in line grumble and walk away knowing that he bought half the store out, but they don’t dare fight him about it. The staff nod to him and slide his purchases over the counter, he piles them on me and we begin to walk down the hall. He’s carrying nothing but the two litres and the watch. I follow him back to our cell and once we’re in, he scopes out the unit before shutting the door. I put his stuff on the ground and he begins to take apart one of the chip cases as if he was looking for something, he pauses midway through, he looks suspiciously towards the door then at me, “Could you sit outside and keep watch?” 

“Uh, sure,” I reply and he tosses me one of the mini bags of salt and vinegar chips. I wait outside, the cell and munch on my chips. They taste good after that bland breakfast food. Only a couple of people are sitting around reading the paper in the centre space and maybe a few are lounging around in their cells. A few minutes go by and I hear Levi talking. He’s talking softly, but not to me. 

“Yeah, yeah,” his cool voice filters through the steel door, “I got them, all three. I have another order coming up, I’ll put it in next week soon as I pay everyone off,” I move closer to the door, “I’m doing fine, how about yourself?” He’s talking on a fucking cell phone, those are banned in here. Getting caught with one is just as bad as getting caught with drugs or weapons, it could mean solitary or an extended sentence, and if that is what was in that stuff from commissary then he’s made me a part of it. My heart begins to race as I think about the consequences of his actions, “That’s good,” he continues, after a pause “yeah, we’ll talk later.” I rush away from the door as he opens it to welcome me back. 

I scratch at my arms, I must look nervous. He passes me the watch. It’s one of those digital analog sports watches, with the black face and band, stopwatch, timer, alarm, complete with the date. I had a watch like this outside, I’d use it for running, this thing must cost a pretty penny. I remember what Connie said, Wolfie chow, I won’t let that become me. I’ll be useful to him in other ways so he won’t think about doing that to me. 

He gets up on his bunk and lights up the cigarette, the familiar smell of menthol, chemicals, and tobacco fill the room, I clear my throat as he blows the smoke into the vent, cigarettes are banned here, yet it seems the guards have no interest in enforcing that ban, “Go get Auruo and tell him to bring Marlo and Jean, tell them we’re having a party,” he orders, I can scarcely recall the names much less the faces, he groans when I continue to stand there “They’re probably in the yard at this hour, just look for three guys with stupid hair wearing red. Get them and come back, no dicking around, ok?” 

“Ok,” I reply for the second time and I rush out of the unit with my jacket in tow. How did I get myself into all of this? My plan of keeping to myself has been completely thrown out the window, “You look a little queasy, you ok?” Petra asks me as she escorts me out of the unit and to the main building. It catches me off guard, she must know something is going on. 

“I think I need to get some fresh air,” I clear my throat, “I think it was the eggs.” 

“Those eggs will do it, they really need to stop serving the powdered stuff, but the more you eat it the more you’ll get used to It,” she yawns sympathetically, “the yard is to your right down that hall.” She lets me go and I scurry off down the hall. I throw my jacket on, it’s freezing out here. Despite being enclosed by buildings on all sides a nasty northern wind rips through the field with potent strength. The buildings tower over the yard like tombstones to a grave, keeping most of it in a shadow, this place is much larger than I thought. Inamtes from other units and ours are playing basketball, football, smoking, handball, and lifting crude make-shift weights. I narrow my eyes and look for three guys with stupid hair wearing red sweat suits. They stick out like a sore thumb as they’re all leaning alongside the wall smoking. I fight the wind and rush over to them. 

“Oh, it’s the new boy,” Auruo jeers as I approach them, “come to hang out with some fine and distinguished gentlemen?” I stop myself from rolling my eyes at him, how pretentious. 

I fold my arms to try to keep warm but it does little to help, “Levi sent me, he said I'm supposed to take you back to his cell for the party,” their depressing face’s become a little more interested in what I have to say. 

“Being a good boy, are you?” It's Jean, he looks at my wrist between puffs on his cigarette, “nice timepiece, new boy, he must really like you, buying you that,” he reaches out for my arm to get a better look and I pull away from him, “He never bought me anything nice like that and we were bunkies for a year. Did you suck his dick already?” He has this look on his face that makes me want to slap it off, he’s wrong to think anything like that is going on. I’m fully ready to go back without them if they won’t come back on their own, I’ve had enough of these pathetic bastards. 

“Are you coming back or not?” I say with enough finality to let them know that I’ll leave without a second thought. 

The guy who I’ve never met who must be Marlo shoves Jean, he definitely takes the crown for the least appealing hair, “easy, new guy, they’re just messing with you. Let’s go, don’t want to keep Levi waiting too long.” I take them back to the cell where Levi waits for them. He kicks me out while they talk for only a few minutes. Each of them leaves with a sprite and a few bags of chips with smiles on their faces. For a ‘party’, it only really lasts a few minutes. 

“What was that about?” I ask Levi when it’s just us alone.

He lounges on his bunk eating chips, “you’ve never had a party before?” 

“I know that’s not what is going on,” I’m frustrated and all I want is the truth, “If you’re making me part of whatever illegal stuff you’re doing, I at least deserve to know what’s going on.” 

His eyes focus on me, he has the look of a Cheshire cat, “you’re a tense one,” he stares at me from his bunk, I look away, “You need to loosen up a bit. But I suppose you’re right, I should tell you,” he motions for me to come closer and I do, the friendliness from this morning in his voice is completely gone, I swallow hard, “I’m a hustler,” he says with simple directness, “and you’re working for me cus’ I said so.” 

I prepare for the worst, “Drugs?” I ask stiffly before taking a deep breath. 

“No,” he rolls back on his cot, “cell phones, cigarettes, porno mags, and lighters, that’s it. I don’t mess with drugs, doing that is a good way to get yourself or someone else killed. No one sells drugs in red unit, but they do it others and there is a fatal overdose every week in this place. It’s a nasty business that I won’t get into, no matter the profits.” At least he has somewhat of a moral compass. 

As relieved as I am to hear it’s not drugs, it still makes me nervous that this is what he’s doing, but I’m dying to know all the details, “How does it work, the cell phones?” 

“Well, it’s no secret,” he stretches his shoulders, “first they tell me what they want, they wire the money to my outside person, then they get it when it comes. Could be a few days or a few months. Cell phones are all prepaid and cost between $200 for a crap burner, smartphones are around $500-3000 depending on the model and data. If you want the newest iPhone with the biggest display, it will cost you, but lots of guys will pay up because it makes them look powerful,” he dangles his feet off the bunk and straightens his hair, “Hustling is something to keep me busy, but I’m not too popular in here because of it, that’s why we’re having a party tonight, I buy people some junk food and they forget that I charge them 5 times more than what everything costs outside. Speaking of which, after lunch, you’re going to go to commissary and pick up my second order for me, I told them you’re coming. Just leave it in the cell, I’m in the medical ward until dinner,” he jumps down off his bunk and sits on my bed shirtless, “and could you massage my back for me? My shoulder is all fucked up.” 

My head is swarming with information; Levi is dangerous whether he seems that way or not. As I dig my fingers into the tense tissue on his back, I wonder exactly what he would do if someone ratted on him. With that much money and his sentence on the line, I’m sure he’ll do anything to keep things running smoothly. I work at smoothing out the ridged muscles in his shoulder, his muscles are all so tight, and his skin is warm and dewy, perhaps it’s just stress. Doing what he is doing can’t be anything but. With no tattoos in sight, I wonder if he’s affiliated with any gang. Still, being this close to him as an air of danger to it, looking at the thin skin pale on the back of his neck makes my heart race. I press my fingers harder into him, trying to unwind the muscles. With sounds, he makes when I hit the right spot it feels almost sexual. I try to stay focused on the task at hand and not let my mind wander. 

“You’re good at this,” he groans pleasurably when his shoulder is finally released, he rotates hit without pain, “much better than Jean.” 

“You were cellmates with Jean?” I ask, earlier Jean mentioned that Levi never gave him anything as nice as this watch. The two don’t seem to get a lot that well, but then again I question if Levi gets along with anyone outside Connie and his doctor friend. He was pretty clear, that when it comes to other people and friends, he would prefer to keep his distance. 

“About three-four years ago when he got here,” he reminisces on the past, it must feel like an eternity ago, “he was fine at first and then he started acting like a punk, so, if he was going to act like a punk I was going to treat him like one,” he cracks his knuckles, the popping sound makes me tense up involuntarily, I could only imagine what that could mean, “Now he’s better, but I still had him transferred to a different cell, he snores like a horse and his massages are bad.” 

He hangs his head, “God bless your magic fingers,” he praises me before stretching. I realize I still have my fingers clinging to his lower back, I pull them off quickly. He’s pleased with the results, and in a way, I’m glad I could make him feel better. He turns towards me and eyes me with heavy lids, “you know,” he comes a little closer, the way he is looking at me makes my skin grow warm, “I think we’ll get along just fine, Eren.” Honestly. I gulp hard and curse myself, he’s actually really hot when he’s looking at me like this. His pale eyes offset by his jet black hair is striking, to say the least. Even the way he says my name does something to me, what I’m not sure, but something. Maybe it really is the eggs. I turn away from him again, if I look at him for any longer it feels as though my head is going to burst like a piñata. 

He laughs, unlike the other laughs I heard from him, it sounds genuine, “are you sure you actually killed someone, Green eyes?” his fingers graze over my knee, “You’re a weird one, that’s for sure,” he gets up and puts his shirt back on just as the bell rings signaling lunch starts soon as if he knew. I eat with them at lunch again, and after I go to commissary like he said. It’s a TV, a fucking flat screen TV. I knew you could buy all kinds of things from commissary, but I guess this must be on a different list entirely, no way I could ever afford this. As I walk back to towards my unit everyone I pass is impressed. I’d be lying if everyone’s jealous stares weren’t boosting my ego sky high. In the cell, I put it against the wall, but since I’m so close to the ground I notice all the stuff under my bunk. I look at the door, I know he said that I can’t touch his shit, but Levi left after lunch for the medical ward after lunch. 

But I allow my curiosity to get the better of me and pull things out. He’s amassed a lot of stuff over the years it seems. With everything put neatly into shallow cardboard boxes with the tops cut off, I’m sure I could spend all day sifting through all of it. He has a GameCube and several games in one box, that must be what the TV is for. It’s a little nostalgic to see the classic purple console again, even the few games he has are reminiscent of my childhood. He has another box of clothes and spare sheets, one with all the chips and candy he bought, another full of pop and red solo cups, and a final one with various hygiene products, probably too many for one man. 

With all the boxes surrounding me, I carefully put them back to where I found them, in hopes that he won’t notice. Most people are out working at jobs in various areas of the prison. There are all kinds of places you can work, I wonder how much money I could make working for $0.20 an hour after fifteen years. Probably not enough for it to come close to being worth it, but as I roll around on my bed, I could imagine that it would be nice to have something to do. 

By the time Levi is back from working he gets trying to set up the TV and GameCube, “Where did you get the GameCube?’ I ask him as he tries to balance the TV on the wooden box he usually sits on, eventually he gives up and puts it on a empty storage box. 

“The guy who had the cell before me gave it to me when he left,” he cracks his neck, “I gave away the other TV last week, it was one of those big ones with a DVD player built in, they had a raid and they took it apart looking for drugs or something shit, it was destroyed, fucking rude if you ask me. So, I just bought a new one, not worth it to try to fix it. Anyways, back in the day, they used to sell gaming consoles in commissary for twice the outside price, but they stopped that when a bunch of bullshit research came out on violence in the early 2000’s, so they stopped but everyone got to keep their consoles. There are some guys out here with Sega Genesis’s, quite a few PS1’s, 2’s and N64’s, there is even one guy who has an original Super Nintendo. By quite a few, I mean maybe thirty guys still have consoles across the entire prison. The speedrun competitions get pretty heated here.” 

“Wow, that’s really cool actually,” I grin just thinking about it, I’ve had a passion for video games for as long as I could remember, speed runs of old games will always be my favourite thing to do and watch, “I really love vintage games, there is just something about them that I’ll never get over.” 

“You and me both,” he says holding the cord between his teeth, “but you didn’t need to get sentenced to join us in this vintage gaming heaven.” He looks at me and I laugh, thinking about old consoles makes me so giddy. When he says they’re playing Smash Melee tonight I become horribly excited. By the time he’s got it all set up he calls everyone in and serves them chips, pop, junk food and offers to give a half a box of cigarettes to the winner. Since they organized this a week ago, I have to accept the fact that I’m not going to have a turn, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t play it later. Levi and I are sitting on the top bunk while four guys are piled into my bunk, and another four at their feet while five others are crammed in the doorway. It seems like this is the place to be tonight. Levi asks them to check for guards and when they give the all clear he grabs that red hot water bottle from this morning and pours its clear contents into a cup to the halfway mark and fills the rest up with sprite. No way that’s just water. He passes it to me, I take a sip, it’s vodka and damn strong vodka at that, with a hint of latex. The unexpected taste catches me by surprise and I almost choke, Levi laughs at me before pouring his own. There only seems to be enough for a few drinks, but with alcohol content this high it’s bound to throw a hard punch. 

“Don’t worry,” he nudges me a takes a sip, “It’s organic latex.” The tournament is starting to heat up with Jean, Marco, and Connie starting off the finals. Since there are only three controllers the three of the face-off in the first of three games to determine who is going head to head. For a moment I almost forget I’m locked up. It feels like I’m at home in my friend’s basement playing Smash and drinking poorly mixed drinks with cheap booze. They cheer and boo when someone is killed or falls off the platform, it seems that some heavy bets were made. The longer the game goes on the more I can feel the alcohol working, my head and body feel light and I get hopelessly sucked into the game. These guys are really good, probably better than me. 

It takes me a moment to notice Levi, he’s in an elevated mood if there ever was one. I wonder how much this crappy vodka costs in here, for all I know this could be the most expensive drink I’ve ever drunk. Levi leans on me and whispers noisily, “who do’o you thinks’ is gonna’ to win?” he slurs, he’s already drunk, not that I’m any better. I reply, “I’d put my mo-ney on Con-ay.” He starts laughing, the kind of laughter you hear from guys when they kicked out of bars at three am. It’s uncontrolled, maniacal and dreadfully contagious. He put his hand on my thigh, it coils and constricts around me softly like an anaconda, my skin grows warm beneath it, “you’re, like, super funny, ya’ know that?” he purrs biting onto his lip. He’s a touchy drunk if there ever was one. 

I’m pretty sure he’s hitting on me, normally I would be flustered and be quick to turn him down but now it’s funny and almost cute seeing how wasted he is, “you’re pretty funny yer’ self, Lllevi,” I roll the L on my tongue with strong and manufactured passion, he laughs again, and I join in. Everyone cheers when Connie and Jean boot Marco out of the running, I cheer along with them. Levi has his arm slung around me, and for once, in a really long time, I feel as though I have friends. It’s funny and a bit sad that this only happens once I get in here. I’m happy, no, completely gleeful to spend time with everyone like this. I didn’t realize how much I needed this until it’s nearly over. When the bell rings and a winner is no decided the tournament comes to an anti-climactic end with everyone groaning and hissing back to their cells for roll call. 

Levi jumps off the bunk and helps me down, his hands probably touch me more than they need to. When Mike comes to the cell door to do roll call and to lock us in for the night, I can’t stop giggling at everything. Over a half a solo cup of 176 proof vodka, downed in under an hour seems like a terribly good mistake. Mike’s nostrils flare and his eyes narrow, it's then that I remember what Levi said, he has the sense of smell like a drug dog. Oh, no. He must know, we’re screwed.

“How’s the vodka?” Mike says flatly as he checks our names off his board. I instinctively freeze up and turn to Levi with abject horror. We fucked, fuck, fuck, fuck, fucked. My heart skips a beat, I nearly lose my balance but Levi steadies me. 

“You really delivered, my man,” Levi hiccups and the two laugh, “this is some good shit.” When he closes the cell door, it feels like I completely forgot how to walk. Thank god. I stumble to my bed bringing Levi down with me, “He almost had me there,” I rub my eyes and try to catch my breath.   
Levi’s head is on my chest, he laughs quietly, “Mikes good, he’s motivated by money. Just. Like. Me,” He taps on my chest as he articulates his words before snuggling into my torso.

He gets more and more touchy, his fingers trace circles on my chest and arms, and I begin to worry that he’s only going to escalate the situation to more than that. “I need to sleep this off,” my head is spinning but in a good way, I yawn, “Don’t want to be hung over tomorrow, right?” 

Levi doesn’t care about that, his warm hand slides under my sweatshirt, “you like me, don’t you?” I feel a shiver run up from my tailbone to my head, I don’t say anything. I like him a bit, I guess, he’s been nothing but nice to me today and he’s not bad looking, I think as his hands run over my ribs. I suck in the cool air, having him touch me feels nice, he coats my neck in sloppy drunk kisses, “common’, Levi,” I tell him off timidly, “knock it off,” I run my hands through his hair when he nips at my collar bones. I don’t want to give him the impression that I want him to continue this as much as I do. I’ve thought a lot about guys in this kind of way but I’ve always been too scared to act on to how I was actually feeling. It’s been complicated and hard trying to process how I feel and try to convince myself and others otherwise, but for once, everything seems easy and natural. It must be the alcohol. 

“You’re so cute,” he slurs as his hand wanders below my waist tie. He’s stroking me, skin on skin and it’s getting me off, when he brings his mouth to mine I moan into him and he swallows it whole. He tastes like cigarettes, vodka, and Sprite. My thighs involuntarily tighten around his hand to pull him closer and I swear under my breath, it feels so good. Like steel to an electric magnet, I’m helplessly pulled into his touch. This is getting far too out of hand but I don’t want him to stop. I’m only starting to get hard when he pulls my sweats and boxers down. As if to tease me, he has me lay down on my stomach with my cock to the mattress. He lines my back and my hips with kisses, I’m about to ask him what he’s going to do when I feel it. 

Something cold and sticky is pressed into my hole, followed by fingers that pry me apart. This must be how it starts, the beginning of the end, I close my eyes tightly, I become tense and fearful. I want it to feel good, I like him but my virgin-nerves get the better of me. As gentle as he is being with me, I’m not used to it, it hurts and it feels beyond weird when his fingers are inside. This is exactly what Connie said would happen, only I didn’t expect it to happen so quickly, but I want it to happen, I crave any contact. I see the lube bottle out of the corner of my eye, it’s a legit tube of KY jelly and he even has condoms. Where did he get something like that? 

He has two fingers bent inside me, when he leans on me I can feel his erect cock press against my backside through his pants, “relax for me, you’re so tight,” he rubs my back to try to soothe me. When I take some slow breaths, I feel myself loosen around his fingers followed by a sharp pleasurable sensation. It feels alien, and unfamiliar, I’m not sure what to make of it at first, but soon his skillful fingers take control over me. I drown my face into my pillow, my hips jerk up and I moan as his fingers scissor inside of me, as strange as it feels, it's immensely gratifying. My head goes light, and sounds slip past my lips, I’m moving my hips so he fingers can penetrate me deeper. He coats the back of my neck with hot, drunk and sloppy kisses, it all feels so good. I’ve given a considerable amount of thought as to what it would be like to have sex with a man or anyone at all really, but somehow I managed to make it to 20 without so much as a hand job. I would never have imaged myself being in this situation. I grip my neglected cock and groan with pleasure, I feel like I’m about to come, but he doesn’t give me that. 

When he pulls his fingers out and pushes his cock in, he must have thought I was loose enough, but that’s not the case, the pain instantly overwhelms the pleasure. I bite my lip hard and try to relax, but it hurts like hell as he pushes into me. Maybe he thinks I’m used to this, but it's too much too fast for me. That pleasure from before is lost in how my muscles constrict around him and how rough he is with me. He thrusts into me with poorly coordinated moments and bites on my neck like a predator between heated breaths and restricted grunts. He reaches in front of me and steadily jerks me off, but it's not enough to fully distract me from the pain. 

Is it always like this, or is it just because it’s my first time and I'm psyching myself out? Is it because he wants me so badly, or because he’s just using me to get off? I don’t want to say anything too out myself as a cherry boy, I'm too embarrassed for that. I refuse to ask him to stop, slow down or do anything to seem weak, but it becomes harder and harder to hold it together when he grips onto my hips and fucks me harder. I wait for it to feel good, and the initial pain does die down but the way it feels is too strong, strange and overwhelming. I want his fingers back, they felt good, but perhaps this is just how it's going to be. After all, I do owe him, right? He says something under his breath, I’m too out of it to understand what. I just want it to be done, my head wont stop spinning. 

It doesn’t take him long to come and when he does he only hangs around for a few minutes before he goes back to his bunk without saying a word. Even with him not inside me, that part of me aches non familiarly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :(


	5. Pretty boy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren is unintentionally weird and creepy

In the morning he seems normal, eager to talk about the smash tournament and even more eager to take a shower. Since I don’t drink much, I remain hung over and groggy, he offers to take me to medical to get me a painkiller, but I decline. Though it might help my hangover-induced headache and the dull pain that remains in my ass. He goes through morning and breakfast without mentioning what we did last night, it’s like it never even happened (for him at least). But when we go for a shower we both notice the hickeys the set of teeth imprints on my collar bone just below the sweater line. I try to hide them, but they feel like they might as well be neon lights advertising what we did last night. I try not to think too much about it, it was just a dumb drunk mistake, right? 

I rub my hips with my face down on a library table after breakfast, everything still hurts. I regret not telling him I’d never done it before, perhaps he wouldn’t have been so rough with me. But at least here I know that I can relax, “I heard through the vine that Gunther is coming back today,” Connie whispers with a sense of urgency over a comic book, “did Levi mention anything about that?” he chomps on his gum, Connie never misses a beat with any of the prison gossip. 

I shake my head, “Who’s that?” I’ve been trying to remember everyone’s names and faces in our unit but that name doesn’t ring any bells. If he’s a friend of Levi’s, it never came up in conversation.

His face becomes noticeably troubled and he looks around before speaking, “he’s been in solitary for two months after his cellmate told the guards that he was forcing him to have sex. He is one of Levi’s ‘friends’ from the outside, I guess they served together before shit went down. Apparently, they used to be good friends.” A person from the military? What are the chances that they both end up in the same prison? Probably pretty slim, but what do I know. 

I ask who his cellmate was. Connie’s face tightens uncomfortably and he scratches the back of his neck. I know I just met Levi, but I wonder why he’s never mentioned how his military friend is in here with him. Who knows what else he’s keeping hidden, he has no shortage of secrets, that’s for sure. 

“He was in with Pretty Boy,” Connie clears his throat as the person in question walks unassumingly in front of us pushing a cart full of newly returned books, “he had a target on his back since he got here with a face and form like that, but since he ratted in Gunther it’s gotten worse, everyone hates him. He’s been cellmates with Marco since cuz’ staff know that the tree-hugging check-forger wouldn’t hurt a fly even if it killed his whole family.” That’s true, I can’t say I’ve heard Marco utter so much as a single curse, I don’t even think the guy knows how to frown or raise her voice. He’s a devoted man of the church, and if he hadn’t got caught up in a global money launder scheme (so Connie tells me) he’d probably be praying for our souls right now. 

“Does he have a name?” I ask, “I’ve only ever heard people call him Pretty Boy.” I can tell nicknames are a big thing in this place, but I’ve never actually heard anyone call him by his actual name. 

“No idea, he keeps to himself, no one even knows what he’s here for, but I know it's for a long time,” Connie shrugs and caution slips into his voice, I watch Pretty Boy stand up on his tippy toes to put a book on the shelf. He does look docile and fragile compared to most of us. I could imagine that he would be an easy target if anyone wanted to mess with him. I feel bad for him, almost. Connie snaps his fingers to pull my attention, “Hey, don’t get any ideas. Talking to that kid it would only just piss off Levi, Levi hates him more than most people.” I recall when I saw Pretty Boy in the shower room and quick Levi was to pull me away from him for reasons unknown, there is some truth to what Connie is saying. 

“He doesn’t seem like much of a danger, I don’t see why people hate him,” I put my face back on the table and think about it, “I should probably take your advice, it seems like you get along with everyone.”

“Yhup, I am basically Switzerland,” he grins proudly with his chest puffed out, “they key is to stay away from serious things and befriend everyone as much as you need to while staying far away from drugs, relationships, gangs and prison drama, if you see the problems coming you can avoid it like the plague. I break into safes for a living, I have very good hearing, plus,” he scratches his head, his hair is slowly starting to overtake his tattoos, “This is my second time in Federal, two years plus a day. I’ve been in and out of state prison and juvi, back when I was in a gang but I do my own thing now, no bosses and only as many friends as I need.” 

If he knows everything, I wonder if he knows about last night, the thought makes me shiver, “Can you tell me about Levi?” I ask him unassumingly, “you know about everyone right?” 

“Yeah, well,” his eyes shift around, “I know a lot about him, but I don’t know if I’m at liberty to tell you, given that it’s all based on rumors and everyone will tell you something different,” his fingers tap on the table near my head, he sounds like a dirty cop when he talks like this, “he’s been in here for 8 years, he’s got another 14 or 15 to go after being sentenced in military court. That I know for sure but for what is a mystery. He never talks to anyone about it, so we all assume it's probably somethin’ real bad that other guys in here would fuck him up over. Sex crimes, war crimes, drugs, who knows, the military keeps that all under tight wraps and double bags it for good measure.” 

I mull over it. For some reason, I feel like that’s not the case but I can’t offer up any other possibilities. Connie says he’s going to go to the gym, he invites me along, but I don’t really feel like it. I run my fingers over my neck and think about Levi and last night. It felt like he was just using me to get off but at the same time, he wasn't forceful, if I stood up to him and asked him I stop or slow down at any time he probably would have listened to me. I deeply regret not saying anything, but now I know better, for next time. Ugh, I don’t know if I even want there to be a next time. 

I sit at the table in the back and pull a random book off the shelf, looks like we’re reading about the My Lai massacre and the Vietnam War, sort of ironic with all this Levi-Military talk, this is going to be fun? I look at the pages and read the words but I don’t really absorb the information with Levi running through my mind. I cross and uncross my legs and look ahead, wondering if I’m somehow going to summon him with my thoughts like I did last time, even though he’s probably gushing over Erwin in the medical ward. I’m probably the last thing on his mind.

“Do you need help with something?” A small and unfamiliar voice catches me off guard.

“Uh-,” I turn towards the voice, two big blue eyes and a cart full of books, it’s Pretty Boy. My mouth moves but nothing comes out, I remember what Levi and Connie said, it’s better off if I don’t talk to him. My eye spots the Librarian ID card around his neck, that explains why he’s always here.

“Umm…-Ok,” his eyes narrow at me, looks weirded out and annoyed, “don’t stare at me if you don’t need anything.” Was I that out of it that I was staring mindlessly in his direction? I try to shake my head straight, as he walks away I can’t help my overwhelming curiosity. If he never talks to anyone and he just talked to me, maybe that means something. What, I couldn’t say. 

“What’s your name?” I sputter suddenly, and he pauses mid-motion in putting a book on the shelf. For a moment he looks confused as to why I would ask that, perhaps Connie was right in saying that he hardly talks to anyone, “A-Armin Arlert,” he replies quickly before putting the book back on the shelf.

“I’m Eren Jaeger, nice to meet you,” I say back with a slight smile, he doesn’t return the smile. “Likewise,” he says stiffly as he disappears behind the shelf. I take it conversation isn’t his strong suit, can’t say I blame him with how the guys treat him around here. I take a breath, what an interaction, do I really seem that creepy? Going back to look at the book, I flip through it until I land on the loan card on the back page. There is his name, Armin Arlert in neat cursive. Looks like he took this book out two years ago. Out of curiosity, I pull another book off the shelf on world war two, his name is in this one too. I grab three more off the shelf, his name is in all of them. This guy must read a hell of a lot of books. He looks at me apprehensively from around the corner, probably because I’m making a huge mess on my table with open books everywhere. I smile uneasily at him and he goes back to work, and I try to put the books back where I got them from. 

At lunch, we’re sitting at their usual table, but this time another individual joins us. It's Gunther, Levi’s old comrade, though the two of them share a few small words at the table. Auruo is more eager to catch up with him than Levi. Gunther doesn’t speak much, mostly single word replies in harsh tones. There is this coldness in his eyes that makes me shiver, I’m not sure why but I sense that he belongs here more than anyone. 

It's near the end of lunch when Armin walks unknowingly by with an empty tray. The table goes silent. Everyone’s avoided talking about him, but it's clear they still have some disdain towards him. It’s the moment where he’s just going to pass us that Gunther sticks out his food causing him to stumble face first into the filthy floor with a crack that pierces the room. The volume in the room hushes as people snicker and whisper amongst themselves. Armin doesn’t look back or anywhere he just lies there for a moment as if he was knocked out cold or dead. It’s then that I see blood streaming out of his nose, when he shakily lifts his head it looks broken. He touches it and blood coats his hand, his eyes are wide as if he’s in shock. No one, not even the guards seem to care. I feel sick to my stomach as he struggles to come to his feet. How can they stand by and watch while a person is bleeding and injured?

I ready myself to stand up, I refuse to allow him to get pushed around like that, I’m going to help him and I’ll take the consequences of that head-on, but a voice tells me otherwise “Sit your ass down, Jaeger,” Levi orders under his breath so that only I can hear, he must be able to sense what I’m going to do, as does Connie who looks like his head is going to explode. 

“He’s hurt,” I say back to him, the others at the table shoot each other looks, they’re all more concerned about saving their own asses and laughing at him rather than helping another human being, they’re all sheep, all of them. My mouth moves in disbelief, “you’re not really just going to let him-.” 

“Shut your fucking mouth and sit down, unless you want to be in the ground with him,” the look in his eyes is deafening. I’ve angered him but I’m just as fucking furious as he is. I curl my fists into red-hot balls, it takes everything in me not to get up and do something. Finally, a staff goes over to help him off the ground, if they came a moment later I would have definitely stood up to Levi and my table and helped him. Seeing the pool of blood on the floor makes me question those around me, if these are the people who I’m associating with, I wonder if I want to associate with them at all. 

“Who the fuck do you think you are? You fucking punk,” Levi questions me after slamming the door to our cell, his words are dripping wet with rage, “you know you made yourself and ME look like fucking idiots in front of everyone, right? You think you’re going to be some big shot hero standing up for Pretty Boy? Is that it?” He shoves me and I stagger back but I stand my ground, “Answer me!” he screams in my face, he looks like he’s about to knock me around. I’m too pissed off to be afraid of him, this must be the real Levi I’m talking too right now. 

“His names Armin,” I cross my arms tightly, my heart is beating out of my chest as I raise my voice to him, “and he’s a person, have you really been in here that long you’ve forgotten that or are you as fucked up as everyone says you are?” My words make him pause and step away from me. 

“You don’t get it,” he puts both his hands onto the wall and curls up his fingers, it chews up his nails, “This has nothing to do with your own personal morals,” his voice becomes tight but just as authoritative as before, “You need to understand that not everything makes sense around here. He ratted out on Gunther and because of that Gunther was in solitary for a long fucking time and has an extra three years on his sentence. Whether you agree Pretty Boy or Gunther was in the right or not is irrelevant. A snitch and their associates are seen as one of the same forever,” His face shows an ounce of sympathy towards Armin and myself, but still he doesn’t have the balls to act on that sympathy, “this has nothing to do with you, so stay the fuck out of it,” his voice sinks back down to normal levels as eludes to something more sinister, “Pretty Boy might seem all small and pathetic, but he’s not what you think he is, you know nothing about him, nobody here is innocent. He had to do something sick to get in here just like all of us. Just let him deal with the hole he’s dug himself.” 

I know Levi isn't talking about me specifically, but I take personally to it. I can’t help it. I can’t help but be furious at him and all of those who step on others. To say nothing would go against every single one of my morals. If there is anything that I plan to take with me when I leave this place, is that I’m the same person when I leave as when I came. 

“You know why I killed my uncle?” My abrasive voice pulls his eyes from the wall to me, “He beat me senseless for years and years, every single goddam day since my mom left. Fractured bones, scars, burns, anything he could do to hurt me he did it,” I grit my teeth, its been years but I haven’t got any less angry over it. My body hasn’t forgotten either, as it still bears the faded scars of abuse, “when I was 16, I wanted to go to this stupid school track and field event, he wouldn’t let me but I left anyway. My sister, Mikasa got home before me and he was drunk.” 

The image of her laying on the bloodied bathroom tile lays burned in my mind like the scars on my body. I can still smell the stench of sweat and cheap beer that clung to him and the metallic smell of blood that lingered in the air when I close my eyes. When I first laid eyes on her, I thought she was dead, she was so still and breathily so shallowly.

“He almost killed her for trying to cover for me. He could beat me up to his heart’s content but soon as he touched her I couldn’t take it anymore. I took the loaded shotgun that he had on the mantle and I blew his fucking brains out right then and there,” I take a deep breath, I’m shaking uncontrollably and run my sweat soaked hands through my hair, “if I let people stomp on others who can’t defend themselves, I’m nothing.” My words fill the cold space with restless tension. His expression tells me he gets the message. 

“Listen-,” his words stagger out of his mouth until he tries to find the right way to say what’s running through his mind, “I didn’t mean to upset you, your uncle deserves what he had coming. The rules in here are shit, everyone knows that,” he exclaims with bitter resolve, “be like me and keep to yourself. Don’t get involved in this if you know what’s good for you, I’ve seen Gunther when he gets mad – you don’t want that. I’m just trying to protect you, Eren.” He sounds sincerely upset and concerned over this, but I’m not in a state to listen to him right now. My ears are ringing with the screams of whistling kettles and raging fires. 

“If you let him hurt Armin,” I push past him, the thought of being in this room with him for another second sickening. I need to leave now before I do or say something I’ll regret, but my mouth betrays me, “then you’re just as bad as him.” 

“Wait,” he calls after me and I storm out of the cell, “Eren!” I don’t turn back. 

The next minute, Petra is escorting me out of the unit. I need to get far away from him and the others to cool down or to at least walk the tension out of my shoulders. I cannot believe him, he acts so fucking tough but in the end he’s just a coward like the rest of them. I can’t even begin to process my though when my ears are met with a deafening electronic howl. The alarms mounted to the halls let off their robotic cries and momentarily stun me like a deer in headlights. Every inmate insight instantly drops to the ground with their hands on their heads, surrendering to the deafening sound. It’s a lockdown. 

Petra’s face flips like a dime, her walkie-talkie hisses with an incoming transmission from another guard, “This is a code red lockdown. We have a situation in medical, a C.O and an inmate down. Please return the inmates to their cells. I repeat this is a code red lockdown.” A guard and inmate are down? What does that mean? Someone was killed? Assaulted? Petra calls for everyone in red unit to get up as she returns us to our unit while other guards do the same. She and Mike work together to round up everyone who is in the unit and get them back into their cells. Levi holds a cigarette between his fingers and taps nervously on the windowsill as he focuses his attention out the window.

“What happened?” Levi turns towards me, the alarm is ear-splitting even in here, “Did you hear anything?” 

I tell him what I heard on Petra’s walkie-talkie, it doesn’t mean much to me, but maybe it will mean something to him, “It’s a code red, an inmate and officer are down near medical. What does that mean? Down?” 

“It means someone probably got stabbed or shot,” he tugs anxiously on the hem of his sweater, I’ve never seen him this shook up “they usually only call code red if someone’s been killed in some sort of altercation or if there is a riot, God, I can’t stand this alarm,” he covers his ears and squats down on the floor, he does everything he can to block the noise out, “it feels like I’m on a fucking ship again,” he roars get lost in the alarms wails. A ship? That’s right, he’s ex-military, maybe it sounds like it’s some sort of warning signal. I sit on the floor with him in solidarity and patiently wait out the thunderous alarm. It goes on for tens of minutes, but it feels like hours. When it stops there is a sign of relief, but its hard to relax when someone could have been killed not far away from us. An announcement rings over the entire prison, its the warden, “The prison will remain under lockdown for the next 48 hours, all inmates who have relevant information to the assault are encouraged to step forward. I repeat, all units will remain in lockdown for the next 48 hours.” 

“Jesus,” I exclaim out of frustration, this is going to be a long two days.


	6. Lockdown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 48 hours

I watch out of the window and listen as police sirens wail and lights circle, I can’t see them but by the sounds of it they brought several local departments. Levi sits on my bed, he looks distraught, “Do you think I’m a bad person?” he asks suddenly, it’s probably been on his mind since I stormed out. This situation has him on edge, I’m starting to get the feeling that he knows something I don’t. I rub my eyelids, then again it could just be he is not too fond of lockdowns. 

I feel the floor with my feet, my initial anger about what he said earlier has since subsided. I have a somewhat clear head now, and what he deserves is my honesty at least, “I’m not sure,” I respond softly, “I hardly know you.” I want to be able to trust him, at least a little, but he’s been making it hard for me. This is prison, not summer bible camp, I shouldn’t be trusting of anyone in here so easily, even him. 

“Well,” he shakes out his legs before spreading out on my bed, “I suppose, it’s better that way.” I wonder what that is supposed to mean. He pulls the blanket over his head before he rolls over with his face to the wall and goes still as if he’s fallen asleep or died. I groan, he tries his best to pretend I don’t exist. After 20 or so minutes of sitting on the concrete, my ass starts to cramp up and go numb. I decide I’m going to sit on my bed even though he’s sleeping in it, it is mine after all. The instant my butt hits the mattress his foot is driven forcefully into my ribs. I lurch forwards, nearly falling off the bunk. 

“It’s my bed,” I say to him, nursing my ribs. He’s all wrapped up like a burrito in the blankets with his head completely covered, he has no interest in anything I’ve got to say, “go back to your own-,“ I pause when I see what he’s doing. I see a faint glow, what on earth? He’s got his god damn iPhone out and he’s been texting someone back and forth this entire time. 

“What if someone catches you with that?” I whisper furiously, “you’re going to get us in trouble.” 

He uncoils and peers at me with one eye, the sarcasm in his voice is detectable for once, “if a C.O. comes and its out, I’ll pass it to you and you can hide it up the old chocolaty highway. Hows that?” I shove my hand into my face, I can’t believe he would just say something like that out loud. His sense of humor is truly appalling. 

“What? I’m not doing anything for you and your stupid phone,” I don’t even know if he’s serious or not, but I refuse to do something that would so obviously get me in deep shit. He sits up, encased in the shadow from the bunk, he doesn’t look too impressed. 

He looks me up and down with that piercing glare again, I shiver as he addresses me, “You are gay though, right? It should be easier for you than me.” My face and shoulders become searing hot with discomfort. How could he just say something like that with such a straight face? Like he’s one to talk, going after Erwin and me? I can’t believe this guy, I was almost ready to forgive him for earlier. 

“I-I’m not,” I sputter, looking like a damn fool. I’ve had a girlfriend, I’m not gay. But still I can’t wager much of an argument against myself, never mind against Levi over it given our brief history. 

“You slept with me on the first date,” he says blandly, “my dick was in your ass, you almost came just from my fingers. That’s gay, even if we were drunk.” He must be saying shit like this just to mess with me, I’m not going to let him get the better of me. Why does he got to get so pissy over nothing? 

I look away and huff, I’m too embarrassed to look back at him, “And even if I was,” I pause upon saying _that word_ , “gay, that’s hardly a reason to warrant shoving YOUR phone up MY ass, your logic is seriously flawed, Levi,” I rub my eyelids, this is wearing me out and making me talk unintentionally childishly, after what happened today and last night I’m not in the mood for jokes, “I wasn’t aware that was a date, that makes you just as gay,” I mutter to myself, but of course he hears me. 

“You want to know if I’m gay or not?” he says flatly as if I’m asking him a legitimate question. I’m screaming internally with frustration. 

“I don’t care, Levi,” I grumble, this is quickly all getting on my nerves, “I just want my bed back and I don’t want to go on any more ‘dates’ with you.” For a second, I think about bringing up how unenjoyable it was, but it’s probably not the time. And it doesn’t matter, because it’s never happening again if he keeps acting like this. 

He looks a tad offended, but instead of saying anything he rolls back to the wall and plays on his phone. I sigh and sit on the floor for a few more minutes before crawling up to his bunk, he doesn’t stop me. I furiously mess up his neatly folded sheets for good measure before laying under them. I let out a groan loud enough so that he can hear me. I take a deep breath, the sheets smell like him. I take another breath, is it bad that I really like the way he smells? Sort of like cloves, honey, tea leaves, bleach and a pinch of menthol cigarettes. After all the stressful things that happened, the soft scent calms me down. So much for not having feelings towards him. 

He gets up to go to the washroom, I pretend not to take notice. Seeing as we’re going to be locked in here for another day after this one, I’m probably going to have to go to eventually. The thought of shitting well in earshot of him makes me want to try to hold it for as long as I can. He’ll probably use it to mock me, knowing him. 

Soon after, he sits at the GameCube and plays Resident Evil 4 until we get our supper delivered through a slot in the door in bulky trays. I sit on the floor at eat mine, full well knowing that he will give me heck if I eat it on his bunk (or mine for that matter). It’s soggy meatloaf, and room temperature chicken noodle soup with mushy collard greens. I struggle to get through half of it by the time the staff come and pick up the trays. 

Levi goes back to playing his game and I sit on the floor next to him in uncomfortable silence. I watch the screen mindlessly, the nostalgia of the GameCube has since worn off, all I can think about is saying something to him. What, I don’t know. I don’t want to apologize for blowing up at him or anything like that, I sigh. Why does this have to be so stressful? 

“If you don’t like me like that,” Levi says suddenly without keeping his eyes off the screen, “what happened last night-“ he pauses, “that won’t happen again.” He caught me off guard, he didn’t seem like the type to give apologies willingly. I seem I’m guilty of misreading him when dealing with how conflicted I feel about him. 

“It’s not that, It’s just-“I can feel a headache growing behind my eyes in slow pulses, “this is too overwhelming, too much too soon.” It feels like I’ve walked into the kitchen and straight into the fryer. It’s been hours and the police are still outside, this place has been crap to me since I got here and it hasn’t even been a week yet. 

He nods, he drops the tension in his shoulders, “I could get you a job, a real one, if you want. Maybe some normalcy will do you some good,” That’s not a bad idea, even if it’s something menial, “What did you do before you came here?” 

“I was an architecture student but I gave piano lessons and bagged groceries to pay for school,” I thought my life was dull and predictable back then, but I would give anything just to have that life back. I try not to think about the outside, but it’s hard when it’s my default mindset, “I don’t think I would be of any use in the medical ward.” 

“I meant elsewhere,” Levi turns off the console and tidies up the area, “inmates don’t usually work in the medical ward, even I’m just a glorified secretary because the warden is too stingy to pay more staff. For you,” he takes a moment to think about it, he must know every available job by heart, “I don’t know if you’re religious, but they need an organ player in the chapel the last guy just left. It’s not paid, but it’s something to do on Sunday. For paid work, you could probably handle assembling furniture in the shop, you have to go through a bunch of annoying and pointless training, but I hear its a worth it.” 

“Those both sound good,” I smile slightly and nod, “Thanks.” I really do appreciate it. My feelings of anger towards him subside yet again, I’m starting to feel like maybe things will be ok between the two of us, at least while we’re in here. Out there, with Armin, Gunther, Jean and the others, things maybe won’t run as smoothly. Through the door, I can hear guards beginning roll call below. I look at my watch, this day felt like the longest in a while. A few minutes later Mike opens the cell door. 

“Ackerman,” Mike looks at a clipboard, “Dr. Smith needs you to come in tomorrow right after breakfast to help sort out some stuff in medical from the incident,” Levi nods and Mike checks off his clipboard, “Goodnight, Fellas.” He closes the heavy door and tightly secures it from the outside. I pull off my shirt and climb into bed, I just want this day to be over with, Levi looks like he feels the same. It could just be me, but he looked pretty relieved when Mike said Dr. Smith, maybe he thought something happened to his doctor-friend. I hadn’t even considered that until now. 

The following morning after our in-cell breakfast, Levi is called to go to the medical ward, he’s gone for a little over three hours before he comes back looking demoralized and physically drained. During that time, I finally took a dump and washed up in the sink to be best of my abilities, but I still feel gross and sweaty. He sits at his desk and stares blankly into the wall for several minutes as if it has said something to offend him. I wonder what happened, from what I could tell he was the only one in our unit to be let out this morning. 

“You’re creeping me out,” I say to him, unable to stand the silence anymore. He doesn’t acknowledge me and instead goes to the sink and washes under his nails with a brush violently.   
“What did they need you for?” I ask him, it’s annoying not knowing what’s going on out there. 

“I had to go clean up the medical ward, they didn’t clean it yesterday after the incident,” he scrubs furiously at his hands to try to rid them of invisible contaminants, “it probably wouldn’t have hurt anyone to drag a mop around at least, the place was full of stinking blood on the floor, the sheets, the fucking walls even. Knowing Erwin, he probably just thought ‘hey, let’s leave it to Levi, he _loves _cleaning,’” he groans despairingly after mimicking Erwin’s deep and cheerful voice, “as it turns out both the guard and the inmate were dead before outside help got here, so Erwin would have plenty of time to get a proper staff on it but know, he just sent them home for the day and realized he has no staff or other inmates to clean.”__

__“Gross,” I grimace, you would have thought they would want to clean up everything as soon as possible, but like everything here, they’re a little slow and cheap. I feel sorry for Levi, it must be taxing on him._ _

__“I’m going to wash up again, make me some tea, would you?” He asks hastily before stripping, but it’s more of an order. I get the kettle out of one of the bins stored under the bed and fill it with water, being careful not to look at him. He’s shameless about getting undressed, but I guess being in here can do that to a person. While I wait patiently for the kettle to boil, I notice the fresh hickies decorating his thin hips. I avert my eyes instantly, that’s probably something he would prefer I don’t notice. I wonder where he got those, they’re definitely not from me. Perhaps Erwin or someone else just now. He can’t be being fully truthful about the cleaning thing, that can’t be all that happened, my sympathy for him quickly fades into something else, betrayal? My heart sinks deep with in my stomach. I know the other night didn’t mean anything, he just got drunk and carried away, but I’m becoming bitter over it._ _

__“Erwin was fine?” I ask him, and he’s reluctant to answer. I’m sure Erwin is doing just dandy after their ‘meeting’, probably one of the best damn morning he’s had this week. I pour the piping hot water in a mug with a tea bag and watch the dark colour leeches into the water like blood. I put a spoonful of honey in it and stir it until it ceases to exist._ _

__He becomes defensive, “He’s fine, you don’t need to worry about him,” he straightens his hair once he’s got the rest of his clothes on and takes the cup in his hands. Connie was right when it comes to Erwin being a touchy subject around Levi. I fold my arms tightly into my chest, at least now I understand why now. Maybe that’s why he didn’t so much as make eye contact when we had sex, too much guilt or maybe he’s in the closet. Not that I’m one to talk. If he’s already with Erwin, then it’s best I ditch the small amount of feelings I have for him before I develop any more._ _

__“What are you scowling about?” Levi flicks me lightly between the eyebrows, I swat his hand away, I don’t want him touching me, not now anyway, “Your brow is getting all bunched up, you look like a troll. You didn’t have enough goats and small children to eat or something?” I grumble at myself and try to relax my face back to normal, but it’s harder than it sounds. I’m not the best when it comes to being discrete and neat with my emotions, everything always slips without my permission to do so._ _

__“Nothing,” You don’t need to worry about me, I want to say, but I don’t. He gives me a long and steady look before shrugging, “You should do some exercise, you’re going to get fat and lazy sitting around all day. You know in some Russian prisons the inmates aren’t allowed to so much as sit in their beds during the day.”_ _

__“Cool fact, Levi,” I say bitterly, “but I’m going to get a job, soon right?” I try to be smug, “This is my day off.”_ _

__“You’re in prison, Jaeger,” he puts his mug aside and pulls out a book and begins reading, “every day is your day off, you might as well try to do something.” He’s probably right about that. I’m starting to tell just how boring this place can get._ _


	7. Sharing is caring

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren is the birthday boy

We sit in silence until supper. I moan and groan every 30 minutes or so, my body aches to move, and my skin aches for proper sunlight and fresh air but Levi remains completely unaffected by it all. I’m starting to feel like time passes differently here, its slow for me but fast for him. A day to him must feel like only a few hours and a year feels like only a few months. I keep my eyes on my watch and try to entertain myself until food arrives. We have cheeseburgers, fruit cups and chicken pasta for dinner. And for once it’s not that bad. 

“That was good,” I sigh once my tray is free of a single morsel. For once it was something that looked and tasted like food, probably the best meal we’ve had since I got here. Levi nods in agreement as he wipes his face with a handkerchief. I push the trays back through the window when the staff comes back. I watch them go longingly, as good as the meal was, I still feel unsatisfied. 

“I wish I had dessert or something,” I jump back on my bed, “That would be perfect.” 

“The fruit cup was desert,” Levi sits back at his desk, “but if you really want, I could make you something to celebrate.” His words catch on my ear, I wonder what he could possibly make and what we’re celebrating. 

“What are we celebrating?” I watch him as he pulls the box of junk food out from under his bed. 

“It’s your birthday,” Levi looks at me as if I should have known that, “I looked in your file at work today, happy 21st, you’re an adult everywhere now.” He winks at me. I must look stupid, with everything else going on, I had completely forgotten about my own birthday. I only remember now that I should have known, Mikasa wished me happy birthday on the phone and was asking if she could bring cake into the visiting room. Sadness drifts past me, I feel bad that I missed that with her, but for now, this brings me some happiness and warmth. 

“Thanks, Levi,” I pull my pillow from under my sheets and put it against my stomach with my arms wrapped around it, “it nearly slipped my mind.” 

“Did it?” he laughs softly as he sets the water to boil again. He pulls out a bar of milk chocolate, 2 small metal mixing bowls, a plate, a bag of red liquorice, a bag of plain chips and a candy sprinkles. My eyes and appetite light up like a child’s. I don’t know what he’s making but I’m beyond eager to see (and taste) the finished product. I watch enthusiastically as he pours the boiling water into one small bowl before putting the other one on its surface. He crunches up the chocolate in the wrapper and puts in in the top bowl where it begins to melt and run instantly. Once the room is filled with the smell of molten chocolate, he begins to carefully dip the liquorice then the chips in the chocolately sauce once by one before setting them on the tray. But before they can cool he shakes the rainbow sprinkles tin over them, turning them into a child’s dream. It’s a pain to wait for them to cool and harden. 

“They look really good,” I fan them with my hand to speed up the cooling process by whatever I can, my mouth is already watering, “Where did you learn to make such a thing?” If I didn’t know any better, I would have thought they were store bought. They look delicious. 

“You’ll find that you become very resourceful in here,” he lightly touches them to see if they’re dried, when it doesn’t appear to stick to his finger he says, “They’re all yours,” he passes me the whole plate and props his head up with his hand to watch me eat pleasantly.

“Really?” I chirp with surprise, “all of them?” He nods and I waste no time digging in. The sweet taste fills my pallet with joy. As I chew, I feel like this might be one of the best things I’ve ever eaten, “Mmm,” I groan like a satisfied foodie and cover my mouth to speak, “These are so good, bless you, Levi.” 

“It’s no problem,” he smiles softly as if just watching me eat brings him some joy of his own. I haven’t had a proper birthday party since I was a kid and lived with my mom and dad. After that, things kind of fell off the rails for me. Apart from Mikasa, I had fewer and fewer friends as the years went but. With no one to invite, it was always just me, Mikasa and a clearance store-bought ice cream cake. The cake would always read something silly like “happy graduation” or “congrats you’re 11.” And no matter how many difficult years went by she was always there and I never really let her know how much that meant to me. 

“When is your birthday?” I ask him, I want to make a note of it so, assuming we’re still cellmates, I can make him something nice in return. What exactly, I have no idea, but there is still plenty of time to figure that out. Maybe I’ll ask Connie, the guy seems to really like to stuff his face. 

“Christmas Day,” he replies, that’s an uncommon one for sure. But, I get the feeling that he’s not just messing with me. 

“Oh, really?” I cover my mouth to hide my chewing, I wonder if having a birthday on Christmas as a kid sucked, or was great. I’m sure no one would forget it at least, “What was that like, as a kid?” 

He shrugs and sits back on his box, “my family was never too big on birthdays, or Christmas, or any holidays for that matter.” No celebrations at all? What a sad thought. Perhaps that’s why he’s such a strange guy, a funless household could easily suck the life out of anyone. But I’m determined to change that. 

“I’ll make sure you have a really good birthday this year,” I smile at him, he doesn’t exactly return the smile, but I can tell he appreciates it, “I’ll force you to eat whatever I can make and wear one of those pointy party hats with the pompom, it will be the best,” he looks like he's thinking about it as a possibility. With the face he’s making, I’m not sure if he loves or hates it, “you can’t say no by the way,” I add. It solidifies his likeness towards the idea. 

“Pointy hats with pompom,” his voice trails off, he’s a little tongue-tied, he’s must not be used to people throwing him parties, “that sounds like something I could get behind.” 

“How old are you anyway?” I ask, he doesn’t seem like the type to get offended when you ask them their age. It’s been bothering me for a while, I get the feeling that he’s probably younger than he looks. But with that being said, I could safely place him in the 26-32-year-old range. 

“29, I’m older than Auruo if you can believe that,” he looks at his watch before sprawling out on my bunk with his knees hanging off the end, “when I first got here, I was 21, same age as you.” It's strange when I think about it in that way, 8 years may not seem like a long time, but in prison that must feel like an eternity or like nothing, depending on who you ask. And I could have thought Auruo was at least 50, that’s the real plot-twist here. 

“Was it difficult, getting adjusted, for you?” I ask out of both interest and to maybe get some helpful advice from someone who’s lived through what I’m dealing with right now. He purses his lips and thinks about it briefly. 

“No, not really,” he puts his hands behind his head, “I came here with Gunther and another guy, but even without them around, I could hold my own, prison isn’t that different from the military. Eat the food, exercise, don’t let people shit on you, and do your own time, and you’ll have no problems,” he turns to me, “I don’t think you have too much to worry about.” 

“You and two other guys? What are you in for?” I ask him full well knowing that he would rather not answer my questions, “If you don’t mind me asking,” his focus tilts slowly to the roof of my bunk with mild disdain, “I told you what I did,” I frown and he says nothing. 

“Whatever happened to minding your own business?” he swiftly returns to his own bunk with an irritated groan. After a few minutes, I’m positive he’s back on his phone again, or back to pretending I don’t exist, but he suddenly clears his throat and speaks as if to try to absolve himself, “It wasn’t a violent crime or a sex crime, it was just a few poor decisions that ended badly. Whatever Connie told you, it’s probably not true, that kids imagination is too big for that little bald head of his.”

But even Connie didn’t know for sure. Perhaps, the other two who he was sentenced with would be more forthcoming, maybe then, I could get to the bottom of this. With little going on and little to distract myself, my mind wanders. Levi in a uniform, Levi with a gun, Levi on the deck of a ship. I roll idly on my bed, Levi shirtless, Levi in bed with me, Levi in bed with Erwin, Levi in bed with his wife, Levi killing a man with his own hands. I groan, why am I wasting so much energy on him?

“A puppy,” Levi speaks, I nearly jump out of my skin when I see him peering at me over the side of his bunk, “That’s what you look like.” 

I narrow my eyes at him, and say the first animal to come to mind, “you look like a lemur.” 

“Can’t say I’ve heard that one before,” he leaps off the bed silently and effortlessly, lemur for sure. He looks out the small window into the block, “why is it so cold here in here all of a sudden?” I hadn’t really noticed it, but he’s right. Sleet begins hitting the window with each gust of wind. Being a country kid, I should have picked up on it earlier. Out the window, it’s dark despite being it mid-afternoon, that’s a storm if any. I pull my thin blankets over me, but it dosent help much against the creeping damp cold coming straight from outside. 

Mike walks by, and Levi knocks on the door as he passes to get his attention, “Mike! Hey, what gives?” Levi says once the doors open, “why is it so cold? My nuts are going to freeze off in here.” 

“The boiler broke,” he looks up at the vent in the ceiling above Levi’s bunk, “I’ve been told that they’re going to replace it, could take a few days since the roads are all ice on account of the sleet. Until then, for health and safety reasons, they’re just pumping in air from the outside.” 

“That’s annoying,” Levi gets his jean jacket off the hook beside the door and slips it on, I get up and do the same. 

“it can’t be helped,” Mike looks over his shoulder, “dinner should be coming around soon, then roll call and lights out early tonight. The lockdown messed up all our shifts, so it looks like a temp C.O. is going to be here for the night.” 

“Good to know,” 

“Keep warm, holler if you need anything,” Mike rubs his hands together and exits the cell locking the door behind him. But just like he said, dinner comes around and soon after all the lights go out. I try to catch some rest, but the howling wind outside and the frigid air inside makes that difficult. Levi is reading a book, and every now and then I hear his curse at the cold. Can’t say I blame him, he’s right up next to the vent blowing all that icy air. 

After a while, it becomes too much for him and he crawls down from his bunk, “Eren.” I groan in response as if I’m asleep. He nudges me, “Move over would you, I’m cold up there.” He pulls his blankets and pillow off his bed and throws them on top of mine. 

“Not my fault you live upon Mount Everest,” I say to him, but I move over anyway, I’m too cold and tired to argue back with him. I face the wall as he squeezes in behind me. The bed is smaller than a normal twin, even though we’re not the bulkiest guys, it’s impossible for him to be laying parallel without touching me.

I can feel his warm breath hitting the back of my neck in little puffs when he speaks, “much better, no draft at least.” His chest presses up against my back, and his knees bow against my leg, I shift a little, why does he get to be the big spoon? But still, he is warm at least, pleasantly so. It takes him only a few slow breaths to fall asleep, I could only wish to be so fortunate. 

After a partially restful hour, my eyes snap open at the sounds coming in through the vent above. It’s not the crying anymore, it’s much more obvious as to what is going on here. A set of heated moans and the repetitive bed frame creaking bounce throughout our cell like angel’s voices in the Sistine Chapel. I don’t know if that’s a good way to word it, but its loud as hell. They’re going at it hard too by the sounds of it. I pull the blankets back over my head by it seeps through, it’s almost like I’m in the room with them. 

I feel my face go hot with embarrassment, though they should be the ones being embarrassed, not me. My sleepy brain unwillingly creates images of what’s going on, graphic images. I don’t want to be getting turned on by this but seeing as I haven’t jerked off once (properly) since I got here (not including what happened with Levi before), it’s starting to grow on me. I shift uncomfortably, as the moans and squeaks continue, I try to think of the least sexy thing. Carbonated pickle brine being poured into one nostril and coming out the other. I cringe at the thought, it only works for a moment before the pornographic imaginings circle back with a vengeance. 

“Those two,” Levi hisses as he’s pulled away from his sleep, “they must know and not care that the entire block can hear them banging. They used to do this every night, but I guess they got tired of doing laundry,” he yawns, “who knows. Fucking Bertl and Reiner.” Those two guys, I’ve seen them around from time to time, far less than the others, they seem to lurk and keep to themselves. I assumed it’s because neither of them speaks any English. I’m not really sure what they speak, something vaguely eastern European. Romanian, Serbian, Ukrainian, Russian or Polish, I really have no idea. 

I clear my throat, “Maybe but I’d wish they’d stop.” 

“You and me both, kid,” he rests his head back near the base of my neck. I shift around again, my pants are feeling tighter than usual. The boyish timbre in the one guy's voice keeps echoing in my head. I could only guess at what they’re doing but whatever it is the one guy is really into it. I reach down to loosen my pants and boxers, they’re getting tight faster than I would like. 

“Stay still, I’m trying to sleep,” Levi mumbles and moves to get comfortable, which inconveniently, is closer to me. I sense his eyes on me as his voice lowers to mock me, “don’t tell me you’re getting all worked up over those lovebirds?” 

“As if,” I toss around again and pray that this boner goes away as quickly as it came. But the longer I ignore it, the more uncomfortable it becomes. After several minutes of this restless tossing and turning, Levi starts to get annoyed with me.

“It happens,” he grumbles sympathetically, “just get rid of it so we can go back to sleep. I don’t care, as long as you don’t get any on me.” How could he just say something like that? But at least he’s a guy and he understands, still, that doesn’t make it less awkward. I weigh getting rid of it vs. waiting for who-knows-how-long for it to go away. It’s not a long decision process. 

“Fine,” I slip my hand under my waistband and wrap my fingers around my cock. It’s painfully hard and swollen by now, I curse at myself for getting so aroused over nothing. I can feel Levi’s eyes boring holes into the back of my neck, his bony knee presses up against my backside, could this situation be any worse? 

I close my eyes tightly and try to put him out of my mind while I try to take care of this. My body is burning like a furnace, and with each restrained stroke and breath my mind starts getting more and more focused on one thing. I ache for him where he touched my last, I stroke myself harder just thinking about how good it felt. His touch, he nearly drove me to the edge with just his fingers like some weird voodoo sex magic. The moans upstairs are coming to a climax, and my mind is racing for the right way to word what I want. But the words come out on their own, like an unexpected fart at a funeral. 

“Levi,” I say to the backs of my tightly closed eyelids, “could I borrow you?” It couldn’t have come out any weirder or less desperate. I instantly regret it. 

“Borrow, me?” He questions with amusement, shivers shoot up my spine like razor blades, “what part of me?” 

“You know, don’t make me say it,” I breathe, the air slipping past my lips is visible in the room, “j-just hurry up before I change my mind.” His tongue traces over my neck and shoulders, his hips press up against me as he slides my pants down, he doesn’t need me to ask twice. I reach behind me for his hair and move my hips until I can feel his bulge against my backside. He’s quick with his hands, the lube is extra cold from sitting out in the icy room, and when it hits my skin like Ice cubes, it’s like a shock. But in a good way.

I jerk myself off slowly as his fingers enter me. I bite my lip to keep from moaning, God. I don’t remember it feeling this good last time, I move my hips to force his fingers deeper into me, this time the moan slips past my lips, “More, I want you so bad.” I fear a little that it will hurt like it did last time, but as I struggle to contain myself, this time is different. Hes attentive and focused on getting me off. I really want him and as his erection slides between my sweat-soaked thighs I can tell that he wants me too. 

“You’re so hot when you’re begging for me,” he whispers as his fingers spread me apart, and dart deep inside of me, it turns my legs into jelly and my breath into steam. “Maybe Bertl and Reiner should fuck every night if it’s going to make you like this,” he murmurs into my neck. 

I curse at myself for giving in to him so easily, but I’m so turned on I can hardly take it. I tighten my thighs around his cock, I earn a moan from him, he’s probably glad that I’m not completely muscle like him. I’m still soft in some areas, at least. It’s starting to get warm under all these blankets, I can feel the sweat gaining on him as well. He slowly rocks his hips to rut in and out of my legs. 

He gets a condom from somewhere in his desk and puts it on. I don’t think I saw his dick at all last time, it’s thick, no wonder it hurt so much last time, “I want to put it in,” I tell him, he puts some more lube up and down his length and lays down. I take the rest of my clothes off, crawl on top of him and straddle him with his throbbing erection between my cheeks. He eats me up with his heavy eyes and his hands touch my skin as if it’s new and fascinating foreign object to him, “not bad,” he purrs, letting his hand crawl up me and grapple at the slight curves of my body. The cold air meets my flesh as do his lips to my chest. I run my hands through his hair, with all the hormones and feelings coursing through my body like a stampede of elephants I forget all that’s happened between us.

I put him in me, slowly at first, the stretching hurts but not terribly. His fingertips dig into my hips and thighs as I watch his face melt into pleasure. I had thought maybe that being on top would be more embarrassing then this, I’m naked and he’s still fully clothed after all. Yet, when I start moving with his hands guiding me, all I can think about is how good it feels and how much I want him to feel good too. I don’t want to moan like those guys upstairs, but when I take him to the hilt it’s hard to keep it all back, and that’s the same for him. 

“I like you like this,” he grins as he lifts his hips on the bed to hit me deeper. His sweat soaked hair clings to his forehead and shields his eyes. It feels so good, and in this position my body quakes with muscle strain and pleasure. For a moment, I lean back, giving him the opportunity to overtake me. He pushes my back into the bed frame, bringing my folded knees to my sides, momentarily jolting me before his mouth presses up against mine. It’s a soft and delicate kiss, unlike the hard and sloppy ones he’s given me before. I feel my head swarm with passion, I only break the kiss to speak, “I like you like this too.” 

“Good, now raise your hips,” he smiles before slide back into me, at this angle he hits my prostate hard, making my body turn to jelly beneath him, I instinctively call out for him, not caring if anyone else overhears it. I hold him close with my legs wrapped around his back and soak up his scent, I don’t want to him stop, not while I’m so close. I should have known this was going to be more than a one night stand. After that, I ask to ‘borrow’ him from time to time, and he asks the same of me. He gets off using my holes and I get off using his dick, we both comply with each other’s physical needs, it’s fair, in a way. We never speak about what this relationship is after, or even during. We always go back to our bunks and pretend to be just bunk mates the next day. While I’m glad to be spending time with him and getting off in the process, it always leaves me longing for more. Not more sex, but something else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> apparently i felt like writing a sex scene skjdfskdf


	8. Erwin and The Dirty Kiss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Literally just an entire doctors’ appointment

The rest of the first month passes slowly but surely. Things don’t really progress much with Levi, we’re still friends and bang on occasion but he’s still not interested in anything more than that. Its things outside of him that really start to pick up for the better. I manage to get a job in the furniture shop, it’s only two shifts a week but its something to start with. I also make a few friends other than Connie. Even Mikasa came to visit, bearing gifts that the guards wouldn’t let her give me. I’m relieved to find out what she’s doing ok without me, she has an apartment in the city with Annie and two new friends. They’re both continuing their studies in rapid succession. I’m glad for them, but being locked up in here feels like I’m not going anywhere. 

I end up leaving my shift only an hour. My crushing headache becomes bad enough to make me dizzy and feel sick to my stomach pulls me away from work. My whole-body aches something nasty, and every move is draining. It feels like one step forward and one step back. Hannes, the shop's inmate instructor, urges me to take some time to rest and drink some water. Perhaps its all the dust and whirling machines causing it. 

“Eren!” It’s Marco, he’s walking down the hallway carrying some boxes. He puts them down when he stops in front to me, his smile fades into concern when I slowly look up at him, “you don’t look so well,” he puts his hand to my forehead like my mother would do when I was a kid, “you’re warm, have you been to the doctor?” I shake my head and he frowns, he walks me down the hall to the medical ward, “It seems like everyone’s been a little crummy this week, hopefully, it’s not another one of those prison epidemics, I feel like we just had one. ”A Prison epidemic? That’s a little concerning, to say the least. 

“Yeah,” I say but my voice is scratchy, I cough feeling the phlegm roll around in my throat, “Hopefully not.” I’ve been thankful for not having visited the medical ward yet. When I get inside I’m surprised to see how spacious and clean it is compared to the rest of the prison. It has a high ceiling supported by dark wooden beams where natural light seeps in through thick orange tinted windows too high to reach. There are 10 hospital beds with 5 on each side surrounded by the newest hospital equipment. Only two of the beds are occupied, with light brown curtains drawn around them. I don’t know what I expected but it surely wasn’t this beautiful in my mind. 

“How can I-“The familiar voice stops speaking when I turn to him. 

“Oh hey, Levi,” I clear my voice. He’s sitting behind an gigantic old teacher’s desk with a computer and several old file boxes, he looks stressed out. The shelves behind him were probably once lined with inmate medical files but now they’re empty, “What are you doing?” I ask him out of curiosity, he never talks much about work. The topic is a little taboo with him. 

“We’re going fully digital, I’m just punching in all the old files, it’s very time consuming,” he takes off his reading glasses and rubs the bridge of his nose, and takes a sip of his cold black coffee, “I hope you didn’t come here just to flirt with me at work.” 

“No, not at all, I’m actually sick,” I inform before adding, “but you do to look hot in glasses and in scrubs. I’d let you do me in the on-call room.” I’ve watched an unhealthy amount of Grey’s Anatomy with Mikasa over the years, it’s warping my senses. 

“Everyone says that,” he replies flatly but he smiles faintly, “Erw- Dr. Smith is free right now if you want to see him, I just need your ID card, Miss….?” Oh? He gives me a playful look, so, I return the look. This is the game we’re playing, huh? I hope he realizes he’s met a worthy opponent. I narrow my eyes and shoot my voice up an octave and add one of those corny old-timey mid-atlantic movie accents to match. 

“Ariana Jaeger,” I say dramatically with a sense of desperate urgency, I lean on the counter and pass him my card, making sure to graze his fingers in the process, “I’ve come down with something dreadful, I need to see the doctor right away.” I bit my lip to keep from laughing or smiling too much. 

“Something dreadful, eh?” He speaks like a seasoned cop fresh out of New York, he looks at my ID and then at me several times, he even holds it under the light to inspect it some more. I suppose Levi can be funny when he wants to, he types the series of numbers and letters on my card into the computer, “Darn. A pretty little thing like you? Say, that just ain’t fair.” 

“The headaches, the fatigue, the fever, the sore throat,” I exclaim histrionically, and lean on his desk, “and Oh, the snot.” 

“The snot,” he nods and types something in, he looks over his dark glass frames at me, “I don’t mean to frighten you, darlin’, but sounds like we got something real serious on our hands.” 

“Say it ain’t so, Doctor,” I weep and sit myself down in the chair in front of his desk, it seems those theater and improv classes Mikasa forced me to take in high school with her finally paid off. I peek out from under my arm to look at him, “What about the baby?” 

“The baby?” Levi leans back to drink more of his coffee. Considering how utterly exhausted he looked a minute earlier, now he looks thoroughly entertained at all of this.

“Ours, you daft cantaloupe! I’m two months pregnant,” I exclaim and throw myself on the arm of my chair. He nearly chokes on his coffee, I’m almost positive I see it come shooting straight out of his nose and back into his cup. I’m not sure if that was a laugh or a moment of shock but he gives me a long glare as he wipes his face with a tissue. 

A curtain surrounding a nearby bed pulls back quickly off in my peripheral, “I’m tryna’ sleep here guys,” It’s Connie, he’s eating a banana with a sour expression, he waits until he’s done chewing to finish his piece, “you guys are friggen weird.” He closes the curtain while maintaining that same unimpressed look. 

“Well,” Levi looks down and laughs lightly to himself, he has tiny dimples in his cheeks when he does so. I smile back, it feels good knowing I’ve improved his mood. He’s such a grumpy cat most days, it can’t be an easy task, “Since the actual nurse is running meds now,” he stands up, and motions me to follow him, “I’ll take your height and weight to update the system to save Dr. Smith the time. Plus, I get to stop working like a dog for a second.”

He gets me on a scale, one of those old-school ones with the little sliding weights. It’s rusty and probably a safety hazard, but it seems to do the trick. He may think he’s a glorified secretary but balancing out the scale only takes him ten seconds at most. He measures me against the wall and with no one’s eyes on us he brushes the hair out of my eyes. His hand grazes my forehead, he pauses and his brow furrows with concern. Tilting his head, he mutters, “you’re burning up, hopefully, you’re not patient zero of something. Last thing I need is you bringing back the bubonic plague. You’d have to get a new cellmate, that’s for sure. I don’t bubonic-plague-level like you.” I laugh, I wonder what level epidemic he does like me for. 

He goes back to the computer and types in the numbers before proudly hitting send, “All updated, I just notified Dr. Smith, he’ll take care of the rest.” The future is now it seems. I only open my mouth by the time the doctor’s office door opens seemingly on its own. I wave to Levi when I go in. 

He’s rolling back to his desk and computer in his office chair when I come in. He looks at the screen first before he looks at me. Even though he’s sitting, I can tell he’s tall as shit. He combs over his flaxen hair to the side with his fingers and folds his hands loosely into his lap, his voice is deep and demanding, “Mr. Jaeger? How can I help you today?” His large, but tired turquoise eyes scope me out intensely, I gulp. 

“I have a headache and a fever, I think,” he motions me to take a seat on the paper covered patient bed, “my throat and nose full of junk, it hurts to swallow.” He gets up and comes over to me, as I thought earlier, the man is huge. He takes a thermometer off the wall and takes my temperature by putting it in my ear. 

“Any shortness of breath or fatigue? Are your muscles aching?” He says while waiting for the tiny machine to beep. He looks at it and unwraps the stethoscope from around his neck and puts it on my chest. I take a deep breath in and out when he asks. 

“Yeah, all of those, but the fatigue is the worst,” I nod, even though I’m a little intimidated by him, I feel like I’m in capable hands, no matter how large those hands must be. He asks me to take my shirt off when he goes back to the computer. I sway my legs from side to side idly, so, this is guy Levi spends all day with and gets all defensive over. The same guy who turned Levi into a giddy school girl back when I first saw him in the cafeteria standing there in his lab coat. He’s not a bad looking guy, but I don’t see the appeal. I feel the jealously expand in my gut.

“How’s your throat? Sore? Scratchy?” he asks before holding my tongue down with an oversized popsicle stick. 

“Eyah,” I respond to the best of my abilities before he pulls it out. I smack my lips a few times, I hate the way those things feel in my mouth. He shines a light into my eyes and ears. 

“I’m just going to feel your lymph glands, to check for swelling,” his cool large hands trace over my neck, “you’re Levi’s new cellmate, are you not?” His question catches me off guard, he looks up at me when I don’t respond right away. 

“Y-yeah,” I clear my throat. 

“How’s that been?” It seems he’s very straightforward, “I know better than anyone that he’s not the easiest going guy in this place.” I’m not sure how he wants me to answer this question, but it’s a little awkward when his hands slide under my pits. 

“Good, he’s been looking out for me,” he feels for something in my abdomen, it tickles, “showing me the ropes all that.” He’s been teaching me a lot of other things too, but that’s beside the point. 

“Is that so?” He looks pleasantly surprised, “It appears he can make friends after all, he’s usually not too good at that, you must be special.” He laughs to himself and I mimic him only enough be to be polite. Connie was right about him being a little weird, he’s got a slight aura of creepy about him. I guess anyone who voluntarily works inside a prison must be a little fucked in the head. 

“You don’t have any allergies? And you’re not taking any medication, is that correct?” he pulls away from me and passes me back my shirt, I nod in response. 

“Well,” he looks inquisitively at me, “you have a fever, and your lymph glands feel a little swollen, I want to say you have strep, but I’m leaning towards mono. We had a little outbreak of it here a month before you came, about 15 people throughout the facility fell ill, sometimes times it takes a while for the symptoms to show. But I’ll send some of your blood to the lab to confirm and run all the regular tests too. Your file tells me your last routine blood test was over 7 years ago, you’ve become sexually active since then?” I nod, the look in his eyes tells me he already knew that, I’m probably just over thinking everything, “I’ll have them run all some common STI’s just to keep them busy in the lab.” 

“I need to take antibiotics?” I ask, medicine is a hassle when you’re terrible at swallowing capsules. Which I am, I can’t help it that I gag every time. I need to work on that. 

“No, mononucleosis is a virus. Sometimes people call it the kissing disease,” he writes down some sort of a prescription, before taking my blood, “it’s not just kisses that causes it, it could be sharing cups, cigarettes, food, cutlery all that you’ll want to avoid to keep it from spreading further. You can’t do much about it other than wait it out, but I’ll give you some painkillers for the fever and aches until your blood test comes back. Make sure to eat all your meals and drink at least a cup of water every hour. I’m not too concerned, you’re a healthy young man,” he gives me a friendly smile, “I’m sure you’ll get over it quicker than the rest of us did, I didn’t feel right for weeks.” So, he had it too, at least I know he’s somewhat confident in his diagnosis. 

I thank him and head back out in the main room where Levi looks up from his computer at me, “how’d it go?” he asks soon as he see me. 

“He thinks mono, I got some painkillers though,” I say and he blinks. 

“Oh,” he says quietly, perhaps I’m wrong to think that he has a guilty expression, “that sucks. I’ll get you some lozenges and more honey from commissary later. Pick me up a quarter before dinner?” I nod enthusiastically. Maybe it’s just my fever but my chest grows warm when I think about Levi taking care of me. Making honey tea for me, making me instant ramen, checking my temperature with the back of his hand, putting a cool towel on my forehead. He would make the perfect wife. I sigh peacefully once I flop on my bed, if it wasn’t sick as a dog, it could be heaven. It’s a shame he must leave those cute form-fitting scrubs at the medical ward. 

“The medical ward is really nice looking,” I say to him over dinner in the cafeteria, I don’t have much of an appetite but he urges me to eat anyway, “I can see why you like working in there, it looks like a church.”

“It used to be a church,” he informs me, he knows a lot about this place, “there were two churches up on this hill, the other one is smaller but older, it’s the nicer of the two, in my opinion. Even the library used to be part of the medical ward church, that’s why they’re so close.” 

“You’ve been to it?” I ask, “The other one?” 

He nods, “It’s the prison chapel, I can take you there., if you’re feeling up to it.” Is this a date? The excitement of it all is enough for me to regain the energy and strength to go with him. The chapel is separate from the other buildings, you must go out a narrow hall to get to it. I’ve only heard about it, but since I got a job a week ago, I haven’t been too bother to go even after Levi told me they needed someone to play the organ. Truthfully, in retrospect I’ve been forced to go to church all my life, I wasn’t overly enthusiastic about it until now. 

Levi opens the heavy solid wood door with its copper barred window. The only thing that I liked about church, was the way it smelled. Incents, wood, candles, old books it hits me with a wave of nostalgia in the first inhale. Seeing that it’s already into the evening, the churches long dark pews are empty. The sun casts long shadows on the floors intricate wooden tiles. Stain glass windows that depict hardworking farmers, generous nobles and flourishing greenery line both sides of the long but narrow building. The organ with its massive brass pipes sprawl against the far wall like a second sun or maybe a golden octopus. If I close my eyes I can almost hear its soft hymns. 

“You like it?” He’s been keeping his eyes on me this whole time, when I smile and nod he pulls me by my sleeve off down the aisle. The high vaulted ceiling is painted with fluttering cherubs, fruit-filled trees and men and women brilliant clothes from a time gone by. He knocks twice on a door that blends into the oak paneling at the far end of the structure, when no one answers he pulls me in. 

“It used to be a study of some sort,” he slowly walks through the barren room to a large bay window with a built-in window seat only large enough for two. I’m awestruck, just outside window past the prison fence is paradise. I rush like a child at Christmas to look out through the glass, I don’t even notice the rusted steel bars over the window. A crystal clear rocky brook lined with small trees gently carves its way through the landscape. When I close my eyes, I can almost hear it, the soft pitter patter of water and the sounds of wildlife. Beyond that there are picture perfect fields of grass and brush all of which are framed by grand sun-kissed mountains towering off in the distance. 

It’s so peaceful, and calm compared to the crumbling concrete chaos of the prison. I exhale and drop the tension in my shoulders and lay my head on Levi’s lap, fingers run through my hair. When I look past the barbed wire-topped fence, I could imagine I’m out there. I’d take off my shoes and let the cool water run over my bare feet and dig at the rocky stream bed with my toes. 

“I’m sorry you got sick,” Levi leans on the window and looks out, “it’s my fault really, I should have known I could still be contagious, after that outbreak, I got carried away with you.” With all that late-night spit swapping, it probably only took one dirty kiss to do me in. 

“It’s not your fault, it was a while ago, it was probably long since out of your mind,” I pause, and fidget with the hem of my shirt, after visiting Dr. Smith he still lingers in my mind. I don’t know if I should ask him, but I need too, for my own sanity, “are you with Erwin?” I ask quietly, it comes out as less than a whisper. His face fills with guilt and his muscles become tense. I don’t feel bad for asking the question, I feel worse not knowing. I’ll find out for anyway whether he tells me directly or not. A few minutes go by until he lets out all the air in his chest. 

“Yeah,” his voice is timid like I haven’t heard it before, he scratches his neck, “I am.” I knew before I asked, all the signs were there but to get confirmation, it hurts more than I thought it would. My heart sinks into my stomach, I feel powerless and childish for thinking that I’m more than a late-night screw to him. I’m upset but I’m going to keep it together in hopes that I’m wrong. 

I swallow hard and press forwards, “For how long?” 

“Over 7 years now,” he sighs deeply, he’s hesitant to speak about it and I can’t blame him, “it was nice to have the company at first, but now, it’s different. Inmate-staff relationships are-,” he sighs, “complicated to say the least. Honestly, I’m sure he’s getting tired of me.” His words carry a lot of weight, they build up on my chest like bricks. 

“What do you mean?” I ask cautiously full-well knowing he has little interest in continuing the conversation. But, to my surprise, he candidly speaks. 

“I’m not good at this-” he moves his hand around in circles trying to find the right word, but comes up empty handed, “whole relationship thing, he wants more out of me, and it’s never going to happen. Love letters, cuddling, romantic dates, sex toys, spilling each other’s hearts out, sexy lingerie, all that shit, it’s too cheesy for me to take seriously and it’s fucking dangerous in here. Plus, I’m getting too old for him, he likes them young and every day he’s doting over other inmates who are younger, cuter, fresher,” he groans tiredly, “he was even going on about you today after you left, it drives me insane.” 

Other than bringing up my and Levi’s friendly relationship, he didn’t seem overly interested in me when I spoke to him earlier. Levi traces his fingers on my chest, I wonder if he considers this to be cuddling and spilling out guts out because it sure seems like this to me. I’m too inexperienced with relationships to be able to relate to the complexities of his, but I know what I want out of this. 

“Then why are you still with him?” My question catches him off guard, he looks down solemnly, perhaps he hasn’t given it much thought. 

“He makes me feel safe and wanted, he can get me whatever contraband I want, whenever I want it. I feel snapshots of normality when I’m with him and the sex is good-” he presses his temple against the window and curses at himself, “can talk about something else? I don’t like talking about this stuff.” 

I smile at him, but only as a front to keep my tears back. I’ve never wanted anything as much as I’ve wanted him. Its agony being so close yet so far, knowing that he’ll never be with me as long as Erwin is in the picture. Maybe its juvenile of me, but if I can’t have him fully, I don’t want him at all, “I think you’re doing good. I’m sorry about all the questions,” I avert my eyes hastily but his eyes follow mine, “I just wanted to know why he’s better than me,” his face drops, “that’s all.” 

“Eren,” his voice goes soft and concern spreads across his face, “It’s not like that.” I don’t believe him, I can’t stand to be here anymore. I storm out of the room like I always do and he doesn’t chase after me.


	9. Jean

It turns out it wasn’t mono but strep after all. With the proper medicine, I’m expected to full recovery by the end of the week. The unfortunate thing about it is that while the medicine works, it makes me sick as a dog for a couple days. As a result, I find myself unwillingly spending more time in the medical ward than not. At least the beds are comfy.

I notice the change of pace and air is here is completely different than in the rest of the prison. People who are normally loud and chatty out in general population become quiet and keep to themselves in here. Most noticeably, Connie, I see him come in frequently to see the nurse, sleep, eat ice chips and chat with Levi. 

“Could you put on another pot of coffee?” Erwin speaks quietly to Levi, “I’m going to be a little longer. Paperwork.” it’s well into the evening and I’m still in the medical ward with an IV drip since keeping food and water down has become impossible since this morning. My whole body aches, this is worse than the strep in the first place. A few minutes later, the curtain around my bed opens to reveal Levi with a clipboard and a nurse. I turn the other way, it’s embarrassing being this pathetically sick like this in front of others, more so him.

The nurse takes my temperature, blood pressure, pain levels and dictates them for Levi to write them down and then she takes out the IV and is gone as quickly as she came. Levi stands there for a moment in silence, I can feel that he wants to say something but he’s not sure how. He closes the curtain and comes closer to me, so his voice doesn’t escape into the room. 

“How are you?” It’s the first time he’s spoken to me since I left the church. He holds the clipboard tightly into his chest and sits on the edge of the bed. I can tell from the tone in his voice that he’s coming from an open place, he wants to talk about what’s happened the other day. 

“Tired,” I respond, I have a lot of time to think about Levi and the future and now I decide to unload it on to him, “I’ve given a lot of thought about our last conversation, and I really like you, but if you’re going to be with someone else, we should just stay friends.” I’m too monogamous and jealous to think about sharing Levi, if he wants to stay with Erwin, I’m not going to stop him, but I’m also not going to continue our friends-with-benefits type relationship if I’m the only one getting hurt. 

He nods slowly, perhaps it’s not what he wanted or expected to hear, but he responds with understanding, “Alright, I understand, I’m glad to still have you as my friend,” he stands up, stretches his arms and back before looking at his watch, its reached the end of his shift, “the nurse said you could leave or stay you wanted, are you going to stay here again tonight?” 

“Yes,” I respond clearly. 

“Ok,” he nods again, his lips slowly part as if he’s about to say something but he stops and sighs, “feel better, ok? I’ll see you tomorrow.” He closes the curtains and leaves, I take a deep breath once he leaves. Now that we’re on the same page, things quickly go back to normal. In a few days, I regain my appetite and my strength and go back to general population. But still, even with Levi and I being friends I still miss being in bed with someone, as bad as it made me feel, physically it was enjoyable and it’s a good way to kill time around this dull place. If he’s going to be with someone else, what’s stopping me from doing the same? I’m sure there are plenty of guys who would gladly be with me. 

“Connie,” I say to him, we’re sitting in the library at our usual table, “why are you always in the medical ward, if you don’t mind me asking?” 

“I’m diabetic, type 1, it’s a good excuse to go hang out in there for no reason,” he smiles dreamingly, and teeters on the back two legs on his chair, “the beds are so comfortable, beats old smelly pita bread things they give us in our cells, plus they have Jell-O and ice water with the crunchy ice cubes.” As a devoted ice eater, it sounds about as close to heaven as one can get here. 

I huff, “that’s true.” Even though I was sick, I was sleeping better in the medical ward than I had slept in weeks in my own bunk. But then again, Levi was always keeping me awake back there. I’ve been looking at this one novel for almost an hour, but I don’t think I’ve read a single word, I close it and use it as a pillow, “Just between you and me, I think that I want to date someone.” 

He’s quiet for a moment, “so you fell out with Levi?” 

“There’s nothing to fall out of-,“ I pause, my heart skips a beat, I haven’t mentioned anything about me and Levi to him, “How do you know about that?” 

“It’s not exactly a secret,” he cracks his knuckles nonchalantly, “you guys always give each other these looks of longing when you think no ones watching. Plus, Levi has been smiling all the time,” he shakes his head and flips through his book which is an old copy of Guinness World Records, he stares wide-eyed at a picture of a woman bending herself into a ball, “I’ve known Levi long enough to know that’s not like him at all, it’s starting to weird me out.” 

I wonder if that’s true. We still spend a lot of time together, but just as friends. Making jokes about people we observe, playing video games, doing crosswords and hold each others’ ankles while we do crunches. He does smile, probably not as much as the average person. I wonder what he was like before I got here. But still, it’s embarrassing knowing that Connie picked up on it. 

“We’re just friends now,” I close my eyes and yawn, “you were right about Erwin and him. They’re in it for the long haul, Levi get’s so weird when I talk about Erwin or when Erwin talks about me. I can’t even tell if he likes him or if he’s just possessive over him.” 

Connie lays it down like it is, “Levi thinks he’s cool and all that but he gets attached and jealous easily,” Connie looks around before he leans in closer and speaks quieter, “When Jean first got here, him and Levi got along good for a long time until Jean started getting too close to Erwin. The two would disappear into Erwin’s office for an hour doing who knows that, and Levi,” he sucks his teeth shakes his head with disapproval, “would get so mad, boy oh boy, the would kick me out of the ward so they could bicker at each other about it. Levi said that he doesn’t like Jean because Jean is a smug SOB but really it’s because he was bending over for Erwin jeopardizing their working relationship and Levi’s supply line. Erwin smuggles things in for Levi every now and then, gives him dope to take the edge off things.” Dope? Like drugs? Levi mentioned earlier that he says away from that kind of stuff. 

Jean is a smug SOB, that’s for sure, but when he’s around Levi he’s a different person, “that’s why Jean is so mousey around him?” 

Connie nods with discontent, “He was Levi’s cellmate and Levi made life a living hell for him after all the Erwin business, and when that wasn’t enough some guys kicked the crap out of Jean, put him in medical for weeks, everyone just assumes it was ordered by Levi. They moved Jean in with someone else shortly after that.” 

“Shit,” that explains a lot. 

“Jean can be a little rough around the edges, to say the least, but he’s a nice enough guy when you get to know him, but Levi still hates his guts.” Connie looks at the clock, he has somewhere to be, so once again I’m alone and bitter in the library with too much to think about. So, I go out to the yard to get some exercise, but I end up sitting against the wall watching everyone smoking, lifting weights and playing football. 

I’ve never been a relationship person, I’m usually content with being on my own but in here I feel different. It’s like a void that grows bigger by the day, and as needy as I feel, I want to be close to someone. I need to find somebody, who’s not Levi, and maybe then that feeling will go away. Not to mention having all that sex with Levi makes me crave more of it. My eyes search my mind and the faces of those in the field. Bert and Reiner are obviously taken, not that either of them are my type, whatever my type is (my type is Levi). Marlo and Auruo are too weird and creepy. Marco turns out to be celibate by choice, no fun there. Armin thinks I’m annoying and pretends I don’t exist. Gunther is a psycho. Connie is my friend. All guards and staff are off limits, and everyone else is straight, far too old for me, or not of interest. Well, that’s just great. 

“You’re being extra creepy today, Jaeger,” It’s Jean, sits beside me and lights up a cigarette, Newport’s, how classy, “lurking like this. Did Levi get bored with you? Too loose for him?” 

I groan, it feels like I’ve been squatting out here for so long that I’ve lost all my patients and my mind, I ramble on sarcastically, “this is where all the fun is. The yard. The highlight of prison life.” This place isn’t nearly as exciting or dangerous as I thought it would be, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t profoundly disappointed with how people amped it up in movies and whatever. Everyone’s just doing their own thing, sure some guys are a little sketchy and keeping lookout for other guys, but I’ve seen people sketchy-er at 7/11 at three in the afternoon. 

He raises his brow and takes another drag on his cigarette before passing it to me, “Amen to that.” I nod my head and take the cigarette between my fingers and pull the tobacco and chemicals into my lungs. I blow the smoke up to the sky with a scowl on my face and look to Jean who looks unsuspecting of my motives. I move the cigarette between my fingers, I hadn’t considered Jean. He’s not a bad looking guy once you get past the attitude problem, the fact that he probably smokes a pack a day, the hair (don’t even get me started), the smug look, and his peculiar fixation with Levi and I’s sex life. But still, his opinions of me aren’t very high, I doubt he’s interested in me even just for a hookup. 

I pass the cigarette back to him and keep my eyes on the guys kicking a ball around in the field. Some of the guys play football every day for years, and they’ve managed to hone their skills. It’s like watching a pro match, they’re planning on having a tournament tomorrow, I don’t care much for sports, but maybe if I have the free time I’ll go. It’s so boring around here, unless I shake things up, it’s bound to remain the same. Jean may be annoying at times but perhaps it could work, my words come out sounding weird, “Jean, do you want to go out with me?” He gives me a confused glance, either he thinks I’m delirious or he thinks he’s misunderstood me. I try to make myself a little clearer, “for fun.” He gives me a long uncertain look before he silently joins me in looking off mindlessly into the field while he smokes his cigarette down to the filter allowing several minutes to pass silently. 

Eventually, he does speak, but it’s only one word, “Sure.” 

It doesn’t take a whole lot of convincing to get him undressed and seated against the bay window Levi first showed me. I grind against him, before getting down on my knees and taking him into my mouth. He already thinks I’m a massive slut, so who am I to prove him wrong? I get the sense he’s experienced, he’s a horribly good kisser, it makes my body burn up from the inside out, but I want it quickly and hard. He’s far too gentle at first, but soon I make him realize what I want. I wasn’t carrying condoms and lube in my back pocket for nothing. 

I’m horny as hell, and I’m tired of waiting for the foreplay to be over. I pin him to the window, so he can’t move and lower myself onto him, he moans and tells me how hot I am, how lucky Levi is, how nice it is inside me and he assures me he’ll make me come harder than Levi, but I tune him out and move my hips to get myself off on his cock. For someone who hates Levi, he sure talks about him a lot. The small room fills with the sounds of skin on skin and constrained moans. I wrap my arms tightly around his back to steady myself, and put my head over his shoulder so I can look out the window. Between the puffs of fog from my breaths and moans on the glass, I can see that little brook lined with little trees just beyond the prison fence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh no, baby! what is you doin


	10. Peace offering

Soon as we finish the buzzer rings for dinner, “you’re full of surprises,” he says with a sickly-sweet smile when he pulls on his clothes. I get up off the seat to get my clothes, legs are wobblier than expected after taking it so hard in such a position. When I nearly lose my balance, but before I could topple over he reaches over to swiftly catch me, “good surprises, I hope,” I say as he helps me to my feet, he’s hot and sweaty just like me, “Let’s go eat dinner, I’m hungry as hell.” 

He grabs my jaw and kisses me, but I don’t properly kiss him back. I close my eyes and curse at myself for using to use another person to get back at Levi. It’s the guilt that takes away my appetite. I don’t know why I did this, I don’t feel any better, and if anything, I feel worse by giving Jean the wrong impression. At dinner, Jeans sits across from me but I can hardly look at him knowing Levi is sitting beside me. I wonder what Jean is thinking, even when he’s talking to someone else he keeps grinning and glancing over at me as if I’m sitting here naked with my legs still spread for him. I stir my meal into a mess trying to think of what would happen if Levi found out. 

“What do you think about that, Eren?” Levi’s voice enters my mind. I wasn’t listening at all, my own thoughts overwhelm my ears. With everyone’s eyes on me, including Jeans, I buckle under the pressure. I avert my eyes away to the food in front of me. It feels as though everyone must know what happened, why else would they be staring at me. This all feels like a mistake, I just want to get out of here. 

“Sorry,” I poke at my mostly untouched tray, “I kind of zoned out, what did you say?” 

“You alright?” Levi’s brow furrows, I’ve gone and worried him again, “you look a little flushed and sweaty. I hope you don’t have a fever again.” He reaches out to touch my forehead, but I unwillingly flinch and he withdraws his reach with a tinge of hurt on his face. I want to say, No, I’m not okay, you broke my fucking heart and I banged Jean because fuck it and fuck you, but that wouldn’t do any good. 

“I’m fine,” I hastily take the milk and pudding off my tray, “I’m just going to-“ I leave before I finish my sentence leaving everyone at the tabled baffled. How could I be so stupid? When I don’t have Levi around, I don’t know how to cope with being in this place. It makes no sense that in a small cramped building packed with guys that I could feel so fucking lonely. I used to be good at being alone and keeping myself closed off, as much as it was a sad thing to be good at, I truly have been fine all these years. But in here without Levi, all I feel is the empty pain in the pit of my stomach. Maybe I should talk to someone to try to get my head straight, I go where all the inmate phones are kept in our unit near the guard box and dial the only number I know by heart. It rings several times before it picks up. 

“Hi, Eren,” the voice filters roughly through the receiver, since they record everything the sound quality is terrible but still I listen past it to hear the sweet voice on the other side, “I’m glad you caught me at a good time, I just got back from dinner. How are you?” 

“I’m doing alright,” I lean against the wall, just hearing the sound of Mikasa’s voice temporally erases my isolation, “I just had dinner too, what did you have? Tell me in detail, don’t spare anything, I want to live vicariously through you.” Unless I tell her to tell me the details she’ll avoid it, she understands how some topics can make anyone in here feel strain. 

“Well, if you’re sure,” her laugh is so sincere fills me with warmth, “I just went out for pub food, nothing fancy. We got some sweet potatoes fries with a sweet honey sauce, some buffalo chicken wings and deep-fried pickles as starters. Then I had a roast beef sandwich, a dark beer, and onion rings, the beer battered kind, it was really good.” She’s always been a big eater, but still, it never ceases to surprise me. 

“Mmm,” my mouth is watering just thinking about it, what I wouldn’t do for some wings and deep-fried pickles right about now, “I bet it was. Who did you go out with?” 

“Annie, and our new roommates, Ymir and Nanaba. They’re awesome, they know all the best places to eat. Plus, Nanaba is dating one of the guards from your prison, Mike Zack-something? Do you know him? I’ve never met the guy, but she says he’s nice and tall. I don’t know how true that is, I wanted to make sure he wasn’t being a dick to you guys.” It’s sweet that she still gets worked up about my well-being even when I got myself into this place. 

“Oh,” until she brought up prison I momentarily got lost in her voice and gleefulness that I forgot I’m in here, “yeah,” I clear my throat and take in my grim surroundings, “I know him, he works with us. He’s a really nice guy compared to the other CO’s, and he probably the tallest man I’ve ever seen.”

“That’s good, I’d be beyond pissed if he was a jerk to you, I’d tell her to dump him by text,” if I know her, she would go after him if I said otherwise, “Last time I talked to you, you said you were going to try to make some new friends, how’s that going?” 

I feel that hollow feeling set back in, but for her sake, I’m going to half-lie through my teeth, “It’s been going better than expected, I’ve made at least one new friend. Jean, I don’t think I mentioned him, but we play football in the yard most days.”

“You? Playing sports?” She sounds shocked but also impressed, “that’s good Eren, sounds like he’s a keeper if he’s getting you to do anything remotely physical,” she couldn’t possibly understand the irony of all of this, “you play far too much video games in there, it’s not good for your health.” 

“Yeah, yeah,” I laugh, its refreshing, she sounds so much like my mother sometimes. I see Levi going up to our cell out of the corner of my eye, it looks like he’s looking for me, “I think we’re going to become good friends. But I got to go, I’ll call you some other time?” 

“Sure thing, Eren,” I can hear the smile in her voice, it seems this new living situation brought out the best even in her, compare to how suicidal she was before, me being here almost feels worth it, “take care.” 

“Thanks,” I catch Levi’s attention with a wave and motion that I’m going to head up, “you too.” The receiver on the other side clicks off. I head up the stairs, Levi is sitting on my bed with some more food from dinner pilled up on his desk in beeswax cloths. He’s been making them out of cloth and beeswax candles he found in the church, they’ve come in handy a few times. 

“You didn’t eat much at dinner or at lunch,” he looks at his watch as if he has somewhere to be, “You’re not feeling sick again, are you? You looked like shit earlier.” I guess this is his way for caring about me. 

“I’m fine,” I sit an arms length from him and he moves closer to me, “I’m just kind of- aarrG,” I groan, I don’t even know how to word it, so I don’t, “but thanks for the food, I’ll eat it later. Maybe once I chill for a bit my appetite will come back,” I tried to be as vague as possible, but I’ve said too much. 

“It has something to do with Jean?” he asks unknowingly, I nearly have a heart attack, “He was talking about you excessively after you left, which is weird because he never talks to anyone but Marco. You didn’t borrow him money or something? He seems to like you, Jean doesn’t like anyone.” At least (I think) he has yet to catch on to what happened, hopefully, Jean continues to keep his fat mouth shut about what happened, but he’s not too good at keeping his mouth shut.

“No, no,” I shake my head, “I don’t know why,” he looks at his watch again, I can see impatience in his eyes, “Do you have somewhere to be?” 

He nods and groans, “I need to explain the new computer system to Erwin. Now that it’s almost ready to go, the warden and a bunch of government people are coming but two days from now to see how things are running. He’s basically a 100-year-old granddad when it comes to technology,” he taps on his watch face, “I might run over my usual time, but we’ll see how far we get, also,” he speaks as if what he is saying has little significance, “I’m going to break up with him,” he says matter of factly. My eyes grow as large as dinner plates, I cannot believe what I’m hearing, is this real life, “it has nothing to do with you, so don’t flatter yourself. Frankly, we almost got found out by another staff the other day taking up _actives_ in his office, and since I’m a third into my sentence I realize how not worth any of it is. That goes for all the hustling too, I’m just going to sell off what I have and be done for good. I just want to do my own time from now on, not anyone else’s.” The finality in his voice tells me he’s stone cold serious. 

The sudden change in his actions has me momentarily stunned like a deer in headlights, “Ok, see you later.” Once he leaves, I fall lifelessly onto the bed. I wonder if he’s actually going to do it, he has a lot at stake. He’s currently working in the medical ward, one of the most privileged jobs in the prison, and who’s to say once they split up if Erwin’s next play-thing will be working there too? But still, does that mean I should go for Levi again?

I roll around mindlessly on my blankets until I become entombed in them like a caterpillar in its cocoon. It’s a warm and comforting place to daydream in. I like him a lot, but maybe it’s better if I wait for him to make the first move again. I don’t want to seem desperate or crazy for him. Mikasa says that when I get obsessed with something, good or bad, I get absorbed into it until it’s all I see, like a sniper looking at a target down his scope. Now, I see what she means. I’ve got to keep it cool and find some middle ground until he approaches me. 

I stay in the cell until they do roll call and lights out. I don’t plan on saying anything to him when he gets back, he might be upset about it or upset with me. Even if he said it has nothing to do with me, I find that hard to believe. I must have impacted his sudden change of ways in some manner or another. I should stop worrying about it and try to get some sleep. A quarter to midnight, Levi is chaperoned back to our cell. He says something to the guard quickly before crawling up to his bunk. I lay deathly still. 

He’s usually quick to fall asleep, but this time he’s tossing and turning straight from the get-go. He moves around every few seconds showing no signs of getting comfortable. I can hear him breathing. Quick but shallow breaths, he’s trying to ration his breaths out so I don’t notice, something is clearly going on. Could it be that he’s upset about all of this and can’t get back to sleep? 

“Something the matter?” I ask quietly to the bed frame above me, he stops moving. 

He lets out a deep sigh of frustration, whatever is bothering him, he is apprehensive to speak his mind about it. But when he does I see why he was hesitant to trouble me about it, “yeah, actually there is. Come up here, I need to borrow you.” His call is desperate, like a cat in heat. Talk about a quick rebound, what a shocking twist. They only just broke up, or well I’m assuming they did. But I’m apprehensive about sleeping with him again. I know he likes me and is (likely) Erwin Free, but I still want a proper relationship on just booty calls. He may think he’s incapable of that, but I’ll fight against that any day. 

“I’m tired,” It's late, and I already went hard with Jean earlier, but I’ll omit that for now, “come down here, unless you want one of us to fall off the edge of the bunk and crack our skulls open on the floor.” 

“What’s life without a little danger? Don’t you want to join the mile-high club?” he makes a poor attempt to convince me, “just come up here, I need you.” This feels different the other times he wanted sex from me. He usually speaks with his actions long before his words, same as me. Don’t tell me he’s getting embarrassed about it now. I make the decision that I’ll only do it for him as long as he confirms with me that they’re split, with that, I call him down. So much for holding my ground.

“I don’t think that’s what the mile-high club is, come down and get your half-assed handjob, ,” I ask him one final time, “or forget it, I want to go to bed and you’re keeping me up.” I hear a groan from above, but finally, he does show and really show. He’s only wearing his boxers, and his erection is pressing hard against the waistband, I can see the tip glistening with pre-come as it soaks through the thin material. His skin is red hot and dewy and his neck sports a few hickies, he looks like a hot mess. 

“I broke up with him,” he pushes his overgrown bangs out of his eyes and approaches me, crawling slowly over me. That’s the kind of news I like to hear, I caress him wherever I can, dragging my hands along the contours of his body until his mouth is in reach of mine. He pulls me into a kiss. Any annoyance and grogginess I have quickly fades upon him grinding his erection against my inner calf, I can’t say I’ve ever seen him this horny. I wonder what Erwin did to get him like this. 

“I thought he took it fine,” the deep grain of his voice tickles my ear and makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up. He gropes at me through my clothes, “but he wanted to have sex with me one more, for old times sake. I went along with it,” he sounds annoyed as much as he is turned on, his eyes are swirling mercury-fill pots of anger. He pulls off my bottoms and takes my cock in his hand before sliding back to take it in his mouth. I take a quick breath in as my head goes light, it’s the first time he’s done that. It feels so unfamiliar and it feels so good, I run my hands through his messy hair and fight back my natural urge to push deeper into his throat. 

“But,” he wipes the saliva off his lips with the back of his hand, and holds me firmly at the base, “he threw me out, like this. The bastard is trying to kill me with blue balls AND get my sentence extended, I had to walk from the medical ward to here like this. He’s trying to punish me.” He goes back to sucking, dragging his tongue, fingertips and occasionally his teeth up and down my length. I throw my head back, I didn’t think it was possible to get hard so quickly, but here I am pulsating on his tongue. For someone who’s such a clean freak, I’m surprised that he’ll suck me without a condom, I guess I was wrong about him. Still, I’m not going to ask any question, so much for holding my ground, I don’t want to wait. 

“Eren,” he brings his mouth to mine, I can taste myself on his tongue, his soft yet serious tone of voice speaks to how he feels about this situation, I get the sense there is more beyond the surface he’s not telling me, “you can’t tell anyone about this ever. Keep it just between us, promise?” I don’t know what he’s talking about in the slightest, but the anticipation is killing me. His eyes search mine, for a moment I see a flicker of awkward embarrassment in his face. I nod, and respond, “between us and no one else. Till parole do us part.” 

“Good boy,” he takes my hands and gently presses his lips to them before putting directing them to his chest, down his sides and them behind him. My eyes shoot to his and he nods and kisses me, my hands grip his ass, “Just this once, Ok?” he whispers heatedly. He wants me to top him? I kiss him back and bite and tug at his lower lip, my heart swells up in my chest and my hands dig into his clothes and I rock his hips gently against mine. I let my body do what feels natural and try to not to overreact. I don’t want to mess it up with him, with this. Erwin’s ability to get him aroused like this is something I want to learn for myself. I want to and know I can be better than Erwin to Levi in every way. 

I gently lower him back to the bed with my lips. I drag my tongue over his chest like he does to me, he melts into my every touch. I try to be cool about and not show how nervous I am, I hope he doesn’t notice how fast my heart is beating or how much sweat is pouring down my neck and back. I pull his boxers down without looking, in doing so my hand grazes over something silky and smooth. It catches me off guard and I drop my eyes to see and immediately feel as if I’m going to fall victim to a brain aneurysm. It takes me a moment to realize what I’m looking at. 

“It was his idea, I just wanted to ride his dick into the sunset one last time,” he groans and slides one leg off the bed, giving me a better view. It’s underwear, specifically women’s underwear. Black satin panties with equally black heart-shaped lace. They’re tight on him and hide little, they can hardly contain his throbbing erection. The silky fabric clings to his skin, it looks strange and unfitting on him, but it’s erotic in a way, “I’m not into the whole lingerie thing,” he closes his legs, ”I wanted to take them off, but,” he lets his action explain the rest. He slides the underwear off, revealing the cause of his problems. 

It’s the dark violet coloured smooth base of a dildo lodged inside him. Another surprise, I kiss his hips and give it a light tug. His whole body responds, from his curling toes to the sweat forming on his brow. He probably wanted Erwin’s dick, not this, it seems cruel. I pull it out of him slowly, letting him feel the knots stretch him as it comes out, I haven’t seen a whole lot of these up close. It looks to be about life-size, must have been torture to walk all the way here from the medical ward with a guard. I’d love to use it on him, but undoubtedly, he’s had enough of it. I get the lube and put it on my fingers and press them firmly into him, his body willingly accepts them. It all makes sense as to why he didn’t want me to tell anyone about it, if word got out, who knows what would happen. I sink my fingers keep into him and scissor them inside, he tightens around me. His whole body reacts when I touch him here, the sweat on his skin, the moans on his lips, and the way it feels so good it’s almost like he’s trying to get away from me. For someone who has a rough personality, he’s soft and warm here.

“For God’s sake, stop teasing me, Eren,” he quietly says between breaths, “Just put it in, I can take it.” I kiss him and do ask he asks. I never know what to expect with him, maybe that’s why I like him so much. When I slide into him, I didn’t think it would feel as good as it does. My vision goes blurry and my head gets heavy with ecstasy. It’s all so overwhelming, I can hardly move as the pressure from inside of him envelopes me, “It feels good without a condom, doesn’t it?” he moans with satisfaction, putting his head back. I look down between his legs to confirm that this is really happening, sure enough, I’m really inside him, I guess that means I’ve properly lost my virginity. 

His fingers pull up my hanging head, “focus on me,” his parted lips, blushed face and chest tell me I’m doing something right, his eyes search mine and he whispers it again, “focus on me.” I can’t form words or coherent thoughts, so I wrap my arms around him and pull him closer. I kiss his neck and breathe him in, anything to get more of him. I angle his hips to hit him where I know it feels best. I bring my mouth to his, feeling him try to steady his breaths while I’m deep inside him. His body and breath both tremble when I strike him there over and over again, our moans mingling in each other’s throats and mouths. He’s jerking himself off, ”harder, harder, fuck-” he cries out, and as I move my hips as fast as I can, thrusting deeper inside him, I can feel the pressure building inside me. My motions aren’t smooth like his, they’re jerky and all over the place indicative of my lack of experience. It’s all too much for me to handle, I’m not going to be able to last long at this rate. It all feels too good. He tosses and turns, I must be doing something right because he can hardly stay still or quiet beneath me. 

“Levi-“ I try to warm between moans and labored breaths, “I’m going to-“ 

“Come in me,” he staggers his words past his patched lips and his insides wrap tightly around me, “inside.” I hold him as tightly as I can, I’m glad I’m with him again. All the muscles in my body go tense in anticipation for the release, I can feel tears building up in my eyes. I don’t know why I must get so sentimental over this, it’s just sex but I feel too much to even begin to categorize the feelings im experiencing. When I come, it feels like the whole world is on pause for us. Even if I hated him at first, now, he’s all I’ve ever wanted. As long as I have him, I know these next fifteen years will be possible. I only stop moving once my muscles are unable to perform any more work. My semen is running between his thighs with each of my weak thrusts. It spills out from inside him and onto the sheets as he moves his hips to get all he can out of me. He comes hot and heavy into his hand. 

For moments, we lay in the company of each other, feeling the weight of our bodies and limbs still unable to catch our breath. Out of the dimming silence, Levi laughs under his breath. I look at him curiously from his chest, he looks so messy but pleased at the same time, “that was really good.” I make a trail of kisses from his chest to the dimples on his cheeks. He laughs again, it only makes me want him more, I could easily go another round with him tonight but he looks satisfied and exhausted as it is, I shouldn’t ask. 

“Let me wash up,” he kisses me and I roll off of him so he can get up. I watch him clean himself off with a warm face cloth from the bed. It’s hypnotizing watching him dragging the wet cloth all over the contours of his body. In the low light, he looks strikingly like a dewy marble statue. Only his dick is bigger than most of the statues I’ve seen. He pauses to rinse out the cloth, he speaks what’s on his mind softly as to not upset me, “I was your first, wasn’t I.” 

I’m hesitant to respond, I wonder what gave it away. I worry it was because I was bad or didn’t last long, “yes, first everything, really.” 

His face drops when he recalls the first time we were together, his own actions painfully come into question, “even then, after the Smash tournament,” he pauses at looks up to meet my eyes, “you’d never-?“ I bite my lip and shake my head, I don’t know why I feel bad about it, but I can’t help it. He frowns and shakes his head in disgust in his own actions, “I’m really sorry, Eren, I had no idea. If I’d known that, I wouldn’t have-“ I reach out and touch his hand to steady him and to relax his grief-stricken face, “I’m sorry.” 

He gets back into bed with me and pulls the blankets over us. I know he can’t stay here for the rest of night, but I curl up to him, I want him to stay and continue to feel the warmth radiating from his skin. He closes his eyes and makes himself comfortable against me, he takes my hand in his, interweaving our fingers. It seems he has more on his mind that he wants to say. 

“Let me make it up to you,” he kisses my knuckles, “I work this evening against so let’s do something first thing together, after I get rid of those God-awful peace offerings from Erwin,” the black lacey underwear and the other thing are still in the sheets somewhere. For a guy who has a lot of contraband in his cell, these two particular items stress him out a lot, but still, I’m glad he wants to spend time properly with me. It’s touching that he cares about me, it’s rare for me to find anyone who gives half a fuck. 

I hum into his shoulder, “let’s go watch the football game tomorrow, they’re having a tournament after lunch. It will be a date, a proper one, without sex this time.”

“The soccer tournament?” He responds and I cringe. My dad, one of the most unfortunately German guys I know, would kick my ass straight to Hölle if I ever said soccer in his presence. Its football and American football, the NFL, which is garbage, as far he’s concerned. When I was a kid and mom was still around, he’d drag me to games and make me watch the ones we couldn’t go to on TV. I never really liked the sport but I had an appreciation for the player’s skill and fans dedication. 

“The rest of the world calls it football,” I pat his stomach and he laughs in a way that’s painfully cute, “you should get on the same page.” 

“Ok, ok,” he gives in, he stretches to give me a peck on the cheek before he reluctantly gets up to go back to his bunk, “let’s go see your football tomorrow. Goodnight, Eren.” 

“Goodnight, Levi,” I say as he disappears above me. What I would give to be able to lay in bed with him for a little longer, never mind the rest of the night, but it’s forbidden for inmates to sleep two to a bed, even in overcrowding. But still, it’s starting to feel normal in here, and it’s scaring me. I should be more on my toes, more aware of my surroundings not falling head over heels for my cellmate. I pull my blankets over my head to drown out the sounds ricocheting around the moonlit prison, at least for once it’s easy to fall asleep. 

I dream about watching a pro football game, then eating some tasty steak and later biking home with Levi to our apartment where we drank beer and fell asleep on the couch watching a horror movie. His smile and his laugh are all I want to see and hear. I wonder if we would have met elsewhere in the world. He was in the army fighting overseas and I was a student majoring in architecture with an understudy in music composition, our career paths have little crossover. So, if we had met, it would have been by chance at glance, but maybe in a better situation. The dream is so normal, and pure, I don’t realize I’m dreaming until I hear clamoring like chaotic church bells ringing in my ears and Levi panicking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: i should chill with the sex scenes, people are gunna think there is no plot!!!!!11  
> also me: writes 4 page long sex scene in single sitting
> 
> I"M DIVING RIGHT BACK INTO THE PLOT NEXT, I SWEAR


	11. Shakedown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And unexpected consequences 
> 
> CW: Rape & violence

“They just shut off the water,” Levi races around the room and me like a madman. The small part of my brain that has just woken up as no idea how to process any of this. I can hear the ringing coming more and more into focus, it’s not the normal buzzer or alarm bell they use, it sounds like other inmates banging metal against their bed frames and door bars. It sounds like absolute chaos. 

“What’s going on?” I rapidly blink to try to wake myself, “What does it mean, that they shut the water off?” He pauses dead in his tracks and looks at me like I asked a question to the most painfully obvious thing in the world. He has to momentarily wind back his brain to be able to even begin to respond to the question. 

“It means they’re doing a shakedown, they shut off the water so we can’t flush any contraband. They’re gathering the whole works out there as we speak, guards, dogs, you name it.” He goes back to searching through his desk as if it owes his money, “I should have fucking known,” he curses at himself for a brief moment, “those government people are coming tomorrow to have a look at this shit-tank and Erwin’s new computer system,” he nervously pulls at the dead skin on his lips, “I must have got distracted.” We exchange looks, he’s talking about me. I hope he doesn’t get into trouble on account of it. I go to the door and look through the window, I’m amazed I had managed to sleep through all this mess. 

There is garbage and all kinds of items littering the floor below, it looks like people are launching things from the food slots and from between the bars of their cell. Likely contraband and choice body fluids. I can see a hoard of guards wearing heavy duty clothing and a couple of scary looking dogs, they take orders from Petra and split up veering off into organized chaos. I turn back to Levi, I understand his state of panic now, “Can I do anything to help?” 

“Well,” he stressfully looks around the room making sure everything is in its place, “just don’t look suspiciously at anything, and don’t look so scared, stay cool” he straightens out the room once more to make it look as clean and orderly as possible. The lock to our door rattles and opens with a bang. We rush to stand to attention as Mike and an unfamiliar guard enter our cell. Levi’s expression and demeanor change the instant the unknown guard walks into the room. His eyes widen as if he’s seen a ghost, he stands stiffly like a corpse. 

“Ackerman,” The unfamiliar guard takes a hard step towards Levi, “long time no see,” he looks downwards at Levi with a condescending gaze. The two of them have history, that much is clear but what exactly happened, I have no idea. I don’t like this guy, not one bit and neither does Levi. The man scratches at his dark overgrown facial hair while awaiting a response. 

“Nile Dok,” Levi addresses him, he stands up straighter with his legs parallel, he speaks with his jaw clenched, “it’s been a long time indeed,” I swear that I can see Levi’s hands trembling with anger. 

“Prison suits you well,” he admires Levi’s desk with all his books and belongings well organized on it’s surface and the shelf above. He drags his finger along the top shelf and pulls back his hand to find it spotless. “you haven’t changed a bit, immaculately clean, as always,” With one foul sweep, he sends everything on the surface of the desk clamoring to the ground, before turning to Mike with a sickening grin, “Zacharias, let’s get to work.” Levi doesn’t even flinch, as if he was expecting that, he stands there as he was. It momentarily stuns me and soon after my blood is hot with rage, my hands ball into fists. He has no right to do that. 

Levi’s hand firmly wraps around my arm and he leads me to the doorway, the look in his eyes tells me not to do anything about it. I watch them as they rifle through what little belongings we have and toss them aside as if they’re worthless garbage. Mike isn’t as harsh as this Nile guy, but he still tears apart our beds like a kid on Christmas morning. Mike pulls a half-empty carton of cigarettes from under Levi’s mattress and tosses them on the ground along with two lighters. He looks at them with disgust, “Menthols, those things have crushed up glass in them, you know.” 

“So, they say,” Levi looks despairingly at the mess. Potential glass shards in his cigarettes seem to be the last thing on his mind. Nile dumps out the box of games and DVDs and begins opening them one by one until he gets to the bottom and notices something peculiar, a false bottom on the cardboard box. First, he pulls out rolling paper, loose tobacco followed by the black silk and lace panties from Erwin. Nile let’s out a low whistle and shows them to Mike, I feel like I’m going to vomit, “These look a little small even for you, Levi.” 

Levi sucks at his teeth in annoyance, “probably because they’re for someone else.” 

“Zoe’s?” Nile looks at them, and runs his fingers through the lace with his gloved hand, “she’s flinging you sexy lingerie over the fence or did she French kiss them to you at visiting? I always knew she was a kinky one.” Levi stays silent, he’s not interested in carrying on a conversation with him. Mike puts all the seized items in a zipper bag with our cell number written on it. They’re just about to leave when Nile turns back to examine the desk once more. Levi quickly turns his head to the side away from the scene, when my eyes fall to the desk legs I see why. 

One of the legs near the back is hollowed out and the purple toned base of the dildo is poking out at its feet. It’s hiding in plain sight. Yet, it doesn’t look like anything other than something to even out the height of the table but still, the bright colour draws attention. Nile shines his pocket light behind the table and under it. My heart is racing, I would rather them find anything else but THAT. His light flicks over it, for a moment it stands illuminated as Levi and I hold our breaths. Nile stands up with his search now exhausted, “Looks like we got everything we need, let’s leave these fine gentlemen to it. See you later, Corporal.”

I expect them to haul us off for collecting the tobacco and lighters, I brace for impact but instead they walk right past us and lock the cell without saying another word. Levi groans and gets down on his hands and knees to organize the chaos spread out on our floor. It looks like an impossible task. 

“They’re not going to arrest us, or whatever?” I’m still riled up but equally confused at this point, I had anticipated at least some kind of punishment, I thought for sure a few says in seg, “For the contraband?”

“Nah,” Levi grumpily throws my blankets back on my bunk, “the guards know better than to punish us for having cigarettes, they’ve tried enforcing it before and they earned themselves a riot of livid withdrawing smokers, now they just take them and smoke them themselves. Anything weed or harder will land you a special place in the hole.” I help him pick up things off the ground, nothing around here makes sense, there is much I still don’t understand. 

“You know that Nile guy,” I ask him, “from the outside?” 

He shakes his head in disgust, “we served together, he was dishonorably discharged after only a few weeks overseas once he decided to take justice into his own hands. Needless to say, we didn’t get along well, that guy is about as twisted as you can get, it’s a wonder how he got clearance to work here given his history. They must be desperate for staff,” he looks disdainfully at a ruled paper with a dirty boot print embossed on his surface before crumpling it up, “he’s the sole reason why I got court-martialed and why I’m in here and he’s positively delighted about it.” 

“What did he do?” I ask, but it comes out overly pryingly. 

Levi takes a deep breath and wipes the sweat off his brow, he’s exhausted and I’m not helping in the slightest, “I’ll tell you later,” he says not taking his eyes off the mess, the topic makes him uneasy, “I need to clean up, I don’t want to talk about it now.” I nod, I respect his privacy and don’t press him any further as we clean up the cell in silence. 

Because of the early morning shakedown, we miss the 5 am shower we’re forced shower with the whole unit. I can see why Levi makes us go to the early one, I can hardly take a step without someone ‘accidentally’ coming in contact with me. I push my way into the end shower and Levi slides in behind me and pulls the curtain shutting off the sweaty-mildew dressed pandemonium outside. 

“God,” I groan and crank up the water to the max, the water pressure is so low it comes out like a steady drizzle, “this is the true punishment of jail,” I exclaim but my outrage is drowned out by the sounds bouncing around the tiled room. Levi gently leans on me from behind, I can feel his forehead pressing into my shoulder blades, sometimes I forgot how petite his is. 

“At least the water is somewhat warm,” he hums giving me an unexpected dose of optimism, “and last night, I’m still sore thanks to you,” his voice lowers and his fingers crawl up my sides sending electric current to my brain, he had better not be trying to seduce me here, but when he groans all I can think about is how he groans like that during sex, “but I’ll think about doing that again in the future, as long as you don’t forget that I’m the one in charge.” 

I turn around and he pins me against the shower wall, his narrow pale eyes trace mine as water drips from my head to his. He looks like a fox about to strike, I’m about as presently scared as I am turned on. I’m dying to kiss him, every ounce of me wants to feel his lips on mine, but for now, I resist it, as painful as it might be. 

“Inmates,” Petra rips back the curtain with a baton, she’s wearing a green rain poncho with the hood pulled over her head, smart move, “one to a stall, lads,” she doesn’t look surprised to see us nearly going at it, she looks more annoyed than anything, but then again, she always looks like that, “unless you want to pick every pubic hair out of every drain with your fingers after. Move!” I cringe at the thought, who knows how many miles of hair an hour worth of showers can rake up in here. 

“Yes-er, no, officer Ral,” I jump back from Levi and aptly leave him alone in the stall. Out in the open without so much as a towel is still a little unsettling, I rush to the far end to try to find an open stall with my bottle of shampoo combo body wash before shower time ends. I push past likely a million naked guys until I find an unoccupied shower stall and can finally get to work. The water pressure is a little higher now so I can wash the suds off my skin more thoroughly. As much as I like spending more time with Levi and the others, it’s nice to get some quality alone time. 

But in a place like this, it doesn’t last long. When I hear it at first, it’s not instantly apparent to what it might be. The tiles change the way things sound in here, something that is on the other side of the room sounds like it's in your ear, while someone right next to you sounds like they’re talking down a concrete pipe. It sounds like crying, or whimpering, like someone in pain at first, but then my ear picks up on the second party. The cries are paired with uneven grunts and the sound of skin on skin. I keep to myself and wash the shampoo out of my hair, what other people do isn’t my business, but if they’re going to fuck they should at least do it somewhere more private but quickly the cries stop.

“It’s a little early in the morning to be playing with Pretty Boy, ain’t it?” An unfamiliar voice jeers. 

“Nah- he’s like a 24/7 cum dumpster,” another one laughs wickedly, “I just finished, you want to go? We got him all warmed up, you’ll probably want to use a rubber, who knows what he’s got.” The cries start up again but weaker, it’s like he’s scarcely hanging on. My whole body freezes up. I remember what Levi and Connie said about not getting involved, but even with everything I know and don’t know about how this place works I can’t stand by while this happens again. I can’t undo what Gunther did, but now I can do something. I wrap a towel around myself a sprint to where I think the sounds are coming from. 

It’s like a labyrinth of noise, and even if only half the thirty or so stalls have curtains it feels impossible to locate it. My frustration further feeds my anger as I slide past naked men on the wet tiles. When the cries stop, there is a clamor of bottles on the floor. I see a shampoo bottle slide out of the corner of my eye from under a double-wide stall followed by a guy pulling off a condom and lobbing it back into the stall with a sadistic smirk. I don’t think about what to do next, it’s like my mind goes blank and my body gets taken over by someone else. I can’t stand this, this goes against everything I believe. 

His face becomes a skewed mask of my uncle. A worthless human being to preys on those who cannot defend themselves, he doesn’t deserve to live. My eyes become blacked with rage, I don’t think of the consequences, all I want to see is red and feel red. It’s impossible to stop pounding my fists into his skull and every inch of his exposed pathetic body, even when I can feel bone cracking beneath my knuckles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yASSS FUCK HIM UPPPPPPPPPPPPPppp


	12. Hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe beating someone senseless wasn't a good idea after all ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

My blows become weaker and weaker as I draw the remainder of what little energy I have, but it takes someone to pull me from under the arms to realize what I’ve done. “Simmer down, Eren,” it’s Jean, he grips tightly on me, binding my back and shoulder blades to his chest so its difficult for me to fight him off me, “you’re going to kill him, you crazy bastard.” I see the person laying below me, what used to be his face is bloodied, broken and grotesquely distorted. His swollen eyes turn to gaping saucers when he sees me back off, despite looking nearly dead, he gets up and scurries in the opposite direction of me. With the threat gone, I slowly come back to my senses, I fall limply against Jean. 

“Wash your hands up, Eren,” Jean says quietly as he lugs me into the shower stall and runs the water, the blood forms a crimson river from my fists to the drain. I can see my knuckles infront of me, they’re torn up from the repetitive collisions with that mans face, but I can’t feel the pain. I’m burning hot but my body won’t stop shaking. What have I done? At the rate I’m going, I’m going to spend my entire life locked up in this place. 

“I’m going to go get your boyfriend,” Jean shoos off a couple of onlookers, but it seems like everyone scattered like ants the minute I jumped him, “I’ll be right back.” A hear a guard’s whistle, that means there are only five minutes left. 

Armin. I can’t lose focus. 

I rinse all the blood and broken skin off my knuckles that I can and go over to the double-wide stall and slowly peel back the curtain being careful not to further frighten him. He’s sitting in the corner of the stall with his legs pulled into his chest and his soaking wet towel wrapped around his shoulders. I expected to find him crying but instead, he’s still and wide-eyed, like a statue only to flinch when he sees me. 

I turn off the running water and take his towel from him, replacing it with mine. He keeps his head down staring at the ground with his frozen expression and doesn’t look at me or say a word. When he stands up, the fresh bruising on his backside and on his hips become apparent. The spent condoms and wrappers on the floor tell me exactly what happened. I feel nauseated enough to throw up, but I keep it together for his sake.

Nobody gives me up, instead, it’s my knuckles quickly give me away. Petra doesn’t waste a second slamming me against the wall and binding my wrists with zip ties the instant Levi rushes into the room. He watches helplessly and regretfully. I’m completely lethargic, I don’t even hear the words she yells at me when she drags me like a cow to slaughter down the hall to her office. After some time of listening to her talk to me and me not being able to respond, she brings me a tray of breakfast and I slowly come back. 

“Tell me what happened, Eren,” She taps her pencil against a clipboard with an incident report form attached, “why did you attack Dirk?” 

Dirk. So, that’s his name, what a stupid fucking name. A guy with a name like that deserves to get his ass handed to him. I mindlessly stir my yogurt, “he was attacking Armin, I don’t know him personally, I don’t think I’ve noticed him until today.” 

“You saw this ‘attack’?” she asks seriously while writing. 

“No,” I say, full well knowing how this sounds, “I heard it, they were raping him in the double-wide stall when I got there I saw him exiting the stall, take off a condom and throw it at Armin.” Speaking of it draws up the image in my mind, I flinch. I look down at my knuckles, they’re covered in gauze but blood is already beginning to seep through. As I come down from the adrenaline rush, I begin to feel pain. 

“You said they,” She looks over her clipboard, “Who else was there?” 

“I just heard another guy, no one I know, and saw other condoms, three or four in the stall,” my annoyance spills out, “none of the guards do enough to protect him, it must have gone on the whole time we were in there. If a staff was getting raped and harassed, you would do something about it right away.” I glare at her, she remains unphased by the accusation. She asks me several more question pertaining to the incident before she sends me to get a psych evaluation. The psychologist is sympathetic towards me, I made sure to cry and apologize profusely despite not actually giving a shit about Derp. I still get a strike, but instead of moving me to another unit they send me to the ‘tombs’ for a week to think about what I’ve done and put me on special observation for a month. Whatever that means. 

The tombs are in the oldest part of the original prison, it’s dark, dingy, cramped and cold. The pipes above the halls whistle and creak as they carry water through holes in the crumbling brick walls. This place feels like a torture chamber, and the only thing that’s worse than the halls are the cells themselves. The solid steel door closes and all I’m left with is a chewed up wooden bench with a paper-thin mattress, one blanket, a hole in the ground for a shitter and a sink that drips. In this room, I can spin and touch all 4 walls with my fingertips from the centre.

I lay down on the mattress and wonder what happened with Armin, Dirk, and the other rapists. Petra didn’t mention anything about what was happening to them, but I feel like I’m the only one who got to see any punishment. I curl up in a ball and try to rest. 

My light rest is disturbed by my dinner being thrown through the floor slot and slid across the ground, some of the contents roll off the tray and onto the filthy brick floor. I’m starving after missing lunch and I eat everything on the tray but I’m still hungry for more when I send it back to the guard with the contaminated food. I crack my neck, my back, and my arms. Laying on this solid surface has already done a number on my body. It’s only been a few hours out of seven days. 

At night, I learned they keep the lights on, probably to keep us from hallucinating in the darkness. The guards come by and frequently peek into the sliding window, it’s rusty and lets out a piercing squeak loud enough to keep me on edge. I thought I was accustom to the sounds of this place by now, but it’s worse in here. I can hear the wailing, the cussing, and the banging as if it was coming from inside my own head. I use the blanket to try to drown it out but it’s no use and I end up being unable to sleep. With no watch, I have no idea what time it is or how many hours have passed. The sleep deprivation is getting to me. 

I spend hours walking back and forth in my cell trying to keep my body from going jittery on me. I do anything to try to focus my mind, I whistle, act out entire movies and hold imaginary arguments with myself. Because when I close my eyes, horrible faces form in the bricks, the walls close in, imaginary shackles drag me to the ground and voices of demons’ echo in my ear. I’ve heard stories of people who have spent life sentences in solitary, only now could I even hazard guess at what that must be like. This is beyond inhumane to do this to anyone, I fail to see how this helps me become a better person, all it makes me want to do is bash my head against the wall to feel something. 

I must have fallen asleep at some point because I wake up face down on the ground with a breakfast and lunch tray in front of my face. I sit up, feeling the pain shoot up my back, they didn’t even bother to check on me all morning. I eat most of the food and carefully wrap the rest of it in a napkin to save for later. I lay properly on the bed and breathe, I miss being able to inhale fresh air and seeing Levi. All this time stuck in here only made me realize how much I like him. Maybe more that like? Perhaps that too much of a stretch, I hardly know him. I can hear his voice in my head calling for me, I put my hands over my ears to cut it out. I know he likes me too to some degree, but it feels unmatched to how I feel about him. But it could be that he doesn’t know how to handle his feelings, either way, I can’t get his voice out of my head. 

“Eren,” I hear clearly, “please answer me, I know you’re in there, I see your stupid face.”


	13. Tear in the wall

Maybe it’s not in my mind after all, his voice is coming through a gap in the brick. I press my face up against it and peer through the cobweb-laced space, I can see a sliver of him looking back, he looks relieved to see me. It’s as if I had my prayers answered and for a moment I’m pulled out of hell and into heaven. It takes me a moment to realize that him being here isn’t actually a good thing, they must be punishing him for something. I fall limply against the gap, my brain can’t handle thinking about this right now. 

“Don’t you get all boozy on me, Jaeger,” he calls me back, “how long are they going to keep you down here?” 

“A week,” I groan, it feels like I’ve been down here forever, “How long has it been, and why are you here?” 

“It’s been a little over two days, it’s around 3 pm,” I can hear him shuffling around angrily, “I’m here because I yelled at Erwin at work, I’ve had it with him and his shit. He’s already fucking some twinky bastard from a different unit, not that it matters,” he groans despairingly, he’s clearly still pissed off about it, “They sent me down here for two days to think about what to say to him next I suppose.”

“But,” he continues in a normal tone, “after I let my mouth run, I bribed the guards to send me down here instead of seg,” he speaks honestly, he put himself here for me? “I know how this place can fuck with you after a while, you seemed really messed up when I last saw you, I just wanted to make sure you’re ok. Are you?” 

“I’m-“ I feel unaccustomed to speaking to another person, but now at least I can try to feel normal, “I’m just trying to get through this week. I know it’s selfish but I’m glad you’re here. I really appreciate it.” I want to put my hands through the wall and touch him, but I make do with pressing my fingers to the rough wall and peering at him. 

“Yeah, yeah,” he shrugs it off, but he’s flattered, “it’s no big deal. Be thankful that you’re only in here for a week, there is one guy who’s been down here for over a decade, poor bastard.” How horrible that must be. How could they expect a man to live a normal life outside after spending that long down here alone? It would ruin him. 

“What of Armin and Dirk?” I ask him. 

“Pretty B-,” he pauses to correct himself, “Armin was a little shook up more than anything and was in the medical ward for a few hours to get patched up, he’s a bit of a frequent flyer so I think he’ll be ok, and Dirk, I don’t know, I haven’t seen him since he left medical this morning, I think they transferred him to a higher security unit because he’s not down here and he’s not in seg, I wanted to tell you,” He speaks quietly, “everyone is starting to rethink the inmate code after what you did. They think Dirk got what was coming and they want to start to look out for one another more, even if that means ratting out another inmate to get a rapist kicked out of our unit, but it does feel safer without him around since he preyed on others too,” I take in a deep breath, I hadn’t anticipated that my unplanned actions would have any sort of impact, never mind a positive one. It’s a good feeling knowing something is coming out of me being locked up down here. 

“Jean was going on and on about you and telling me you went ham on his ass, I saw Dirk’s face, he looks fucked,” Levi continues, “Jeans in here for life for killing an off-duty cop in fist brawl and then driving his car into the river, if you didn’t know. I guess that’s about as much of a compliment as you could get from Jean.” 

“Jean? Fighting a cop and carjacking? No way,” I laugh, but it does make sense. He seems like the type to settle things with his fists since he’s not too good with his words. 

“Yeah,” Levi continues, I feel at ease listening to him talk, even if it’s about Jean, “he was all about that life, he used to pick fights with everyone when he got here, like some wannabe. He’s from a pretty wealthy family too, probably why he acts like such a punk, speaking of which, I’m pretty sure he has a crush on you, he gets all weird and blushy when he talks about you.” I hang my head and groan, that sounds about right. 

“You’re not surprised?” I can sense him peering at me. 

“Well,” I guess deserves to know the truth, but that doesn’t make it any less shameful, “I may have slept with him, when you broke up with me, I was jealous of you and Erwin I guess,” I say quietly enough in hopes that he doesn’t hear. There is a moment of silence on the other side of the wall. Well, there goes his sympathy for me. He hangs his head lowly and bites back what he really wants to say. 

His voice sounds unsympathetic, sarcastic and disappointed but also not overly surprised, “did you now.” He probably had his suspicions but when they’re finally confirmed he tries to save face by acting as if he knew all along. 

“It was just once,” I try to regain my dignity, but it feels like grasping at straws, “I thought I didn’t have a chance with you since you were with Erwin. It kind of just happened, I was just lonely, I didn’t actually mean anything,” I curse at myself, “it was stupid.” 

He pauses and straightens his hair, “I’m not mad because you slept with someone else, we never said we were exclusive, I’m more mad because its Jean, I can’t stand that guy,” He goes silent again before taking a deep breath, and speaking in an ever so slightly lighter tone with genuine curiosity, “was he good at least? Please tell me it was disappointing, so I can feel better about myself.” 

“I guess, he’s a good kisser. But really, he just sat there and I did all the work,” I groan with embarrassment, “it was weird, he kept talking about you even when he was having sex with me, are you sure you’re not the one he has some weird angry crush on?” I remember what Connie said about him and Erwin, Levi has this confounded look on his face as if he hadn’t given that much thought until now. He suddenly looks away with muted embarrassment, a flash of pink jets across his face, “Hold on,” I get closer so I can look at him, I’m as shocked as I am curious, “Don’t tell me you slept with Jean too.” 

“He was cute when he came in,” he admits self-consciously, “trying to be tough shit n’ all when he would cry just about every night, and listening to him whine about not having pussy drove me insane,” he shakes his head disapprovingly at his own past actions, I can’t ever see Jean being described as cute, it must have been some time ago, I’m completely stunned. He puts his hands up as if he’s under arrest “and I may or may not have jerked him off and finger banged him a couple times to shut him up, I have good technique, why waste it? I let him blow me once, he was terrible but he always wanted more, but I never gave it to him. I only started truly hating the guy once he started spreading his legs for Erwin,” he pauses and covers his mouth to hide his expression, he’s laughing, “but really, I’m more surprised that he fucked you, seeing how much of a massive bottom he is.” 

I’m stunned, in more ways than one, “Well,” I don’t bother telling him how hot I think that is, the finger banging Jean part, “in a way, I’m glad we can share our Jean embarrassing stories.” I can laugh about it now that the bandage is ripped off, but it was weighing really heavily on me. I’m glad that he’s not too upset about it but that leaves another thing I really wish to discuss, so,” I swiftly change the topic, to something on my mind since day one, “are we a thing now?” 

“Sure, if that’s what you want,” he answers coolly. It’s one of those moments where it feels like things are finally falling into place. Even though we’re in this dreadful place, we managed to pull through and make something good out of it. I’m glad he's not looking through the wall, I’m grinning and blushing like an idiot. 

“I don’t think I’ve said it,” he continues gently, “but I really do like you, beyond the mind-blowing sex. You’re so comfy and easy to be around and you’re brave as hell too, easily more than you give yourself credit for. The way you stood up for Armin, that takes guts. More than I have.” 

My heart swells, I’m someone who hasn’t been praised much in life it so means the world to me to hear that, “Thanks, Levi. I like you a lot too, you’re cool and funny, you have looked out for me since I got here, I really appreciate that.” 

“I’m really not that cool,” he scratches his neck, “I’m in here for military crimes, that’s just about as not cool as you get but I guess I could tell you how I ended up here, since we have the time, and I’m feeling particularly ready to spill my guts to you today, if you want to sit for it,” he pauses, and clears his throat, “you know, this feels an awful lot like confessional.” 

“Now that you mention it, it sort of does,” I lay down with the gap of the wall to the crown of my head, “in a weird way.” I can hear him shuffling to make himself comfier too. 

“Yeah, might as well get to it,” he yawns, he takes a moment to ready his words, he could have waited longer to tell me but no amount of time would have prepared me for the words to come, “I guess, I’ll start from the beginning,” the picture he stars off painting is a light one, “I first joined the army at 17 with Hanji, she started just before me. I excelled in training and became a damn good sniper and cross-trained to become a decent corpsman but I got injured only a month after we got to the warfield. My ankle was shattered during a parachuting drop, so they kept me at the base until I could get around on it. I basically got swapped like a joint to where ever needed me the most. When I got to medical, I got along well with the head Doc and Hanji were working there too, she wanted me to stay and continue more with field trauma like her. It was disgusting and hard work every day, but I grew to take pride in what I did it until they started bringing in detainees by the truckload,” he sighs deeply and his voice becomes filled with regret, his tone grows darker and harsher, “they were mostly civilians, people who farmed poppies and crops who sold their goods in the market, they brought in children too. They had no reason to detain them, but Nile and his company were convinced that they knew something and he did everything he could to get information out of them.” 

“It made me sick,” he blindly pounds at the floor with his fist, he clenches his jaw and speaks through his teeth, I can almost feel his anger on my skin like scorching grains of sand, “ he and my other higherups were torturing and humiliating them. The people who I should have been reporting this shit to were the ones taking part. It went on for months and it was myself and the others in medical who had to deal with their carnage. Broken fingers, lacerations, burns, and rape were there top ways to extracting information from them. It was pointless, all the information was coerced and utterly worthless,” his voice sinks in his chest, he sounds like a man who’s had his heart ripped out, “this one little girl, maybe 14-15 from holding came in with one of my fellow marine’s initials burned into her hip, I just couldn’t stand for it anymore. That night, I went in there and let all the civilians out. I drove them out of the camp to the nearest town with Gunther and Eld and I set them loose,” he covers his eyes with his forearm to snuff out the images circling in his head, “I thought it was the right thing to do at the time, but it was the night after that one of the people who I had freed returned and shot my commanding officer dead and injured several others including the Hanji with our own hand grenades,” his eyes open wide and shake at the corners, “I was radioing in for help when he said ‘thank you’.” 

“Needless to say, they shot him dead before he could pull the pin on another grenade, I turned myself in right away, but Gunther and Eld commandeered a helicopter and escaped into the desert. They got far, but there was a big dust storm and they were forced to land and take shelter. Some of our guys out in the field caught up with them and held them in a cave camp for a week since the storm damaged all their vehicles. When they came back, both of them were barely alive they had been beaten so badly I didn’t even recognize their faces. I know it’s hard to believe, but Gunther and Eld used to be good and trustworthy guys, I don’t know what happened in that camp, but when they came back neither of them were the same,” his voice trails off, “in the end, I got ten for the unlawful release of prisoners, ten for obstructing operations and three for damage to military property. Eld and Gunther both got a few life sentences for mutiny, resisting arrest, dangerous flying, desertion etc. It was about as much as a shit show as you can get.”

How horrible, my heart shatters to think of how he must have felt and how he feels now. I want to tell him that he couldn’t have known, that he did the right thing but that fate was out his hands. But I know he knows this well by now. To do nothing would have been wrong, do something turned out bad, there was no way this could have worked in anyone’s favor. 

“I’m sorry you went through that, nothing about that is fair,” I’m getting choked up over it, rubbing at my eyes, “the other guys, your superiors and Nile, they got nothing for treating the prisoners as they did?” 

“They got dishonorably discharged,” he scoffs, it hardly seems like enough punishment compared to what he received, “if they court-martialed them it would mean an entire investigation into the treatment of prisoners from the top down, that would look bad and the military doesn’t like looking bad.”

“It’s just shitty that you guys were the ones they decided needed to take the blame,” I shake my head in disgust. A dinner tray comes slider out from under the door, the food looks unappetizing but at least this time all the food stays on it. We eat together in silence. Once we’re done, I speak softly to him, “I’m glad we can be open with each other.” 

“Yeah,” he responds gently, “me too. It’s not easy for me to let anything go, everything I’ve let go has claw marks on it if I’m being honest, but it does feel better to talk about it, even the Jean thing.” It hits me first under the ribs by surprise, then my stomach and chest, when it comes out it’s a horribly childish explosion of laughter. I don’t know how my life came to this point, bonding with another man over a mutual male sex partner. When I start laughing, I really can’t stop, it almost hurts. I can hear Levi laughing too, as wild and almost outlandish as his laugh may be, it really makes me realize that all this time I thought making him laugh would make him like me more but in reality, it’s his laugh that has me falling for him.


	14. Paper and Ink

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> CW: Rape

I don’t want him to go, but I know he can’t stay down here with me any longer. When I get out of here I want him to be the first person I see. With that goal in my head, I aim to get through solitary with my dignity and sanity still in one piece. It’s harder than it sounds, this place could eat you up if you let yourself go but I hold him and the others in my mind. It’s that tangible goal of seeing them all again that keeps me from slipping back into a living nightmare. When I’m finally released from the cramped cell and walked back to red unit, it’s a huge relief to see Levi and the rest of the motley crew sitting together. Since we’re in front of everyone he doesn’t run up and hug me, but I can see in his eyes that he’s glad to see me make it out in one piece. His eyes light up like he’s looking at the thing most precious to him and I’m sure mine look just the same. Marco moves out of the way so I can sit beside Levi. Levi smiles at me when I sit down, his leg gently presses up against mine as if to say welcome back. 

“Hi, guys,” I greet everyone at the table, they all ask how I’ve been, complain about the poor conditions in the tombs and pat me sympathetically on the back. It’s a nice feeling to know that I’ve been missed. But things quickly go back to normal, Jean continues the prior conversation on his get rich quick scheme to make butter from commissary milk and sell it to others for a profit. My eyes drag along the group, I hadn’t noticed it at first, but Armin is sitting at the table. He’s sitting kind of awkwardly with his hands folded in his lap, now that I think of it I’ve never seen him sit with anybody. He’s remaining silent, but his focus gaze says he’s engaged in the conversation about Jean's silly milk scheme. 

Suddenly, his eyes jerk to me, he looks a little confused, I’m probably being creepy without knowing it again. I give him a friendly smile, and it takes a moment, but he returns it just slightly. I lean in his direction as if I could talk to him for a sec. He nods, and I follow him away from the table. He takes me to his cell that he shares with Marco. If I thought Levi had a lot a stuff, these two have even more. Baskets and shelves full of assorted magazines, books, drawing supplies and art. On the bottom bunk proudly sits a makeshift laptop drawing table complete with a built-in battery-operated light. On Its surface, a partially complete graphic novel page. 

He silently watches me look at all his stuff, when we make eye contact again it’s clear that he has something to say to which he has given a great deal of thought about, “I’m sorry that I was kind of being a jerk to you,” he leisurely sits down on the bunk and speaks softly but he has an air of confidence about him, “I thought you were like the other guys because you were hanging out with Levi but I see now that I was wrong. I’m sorry I misjudged you, what you did, it means a lot.” 

“Oh,” I guess that means he’s not mad at me, I was a little worried that I may have spooked him, “thanks, but I’m just glad you’re doing better.” He nods, but he holds a sorrowful expression, I wouldn’t expect anyone to be 100% after what happened. 

“I guess what I mean to say,” he continues, “they’ve pulled those other three guys out of red unit, I feel safer now. I don’t know if you meant to do that but thank you, you didn’t have to do that.” 

“I’m glad I could help you get some justice,” I nod reassuringly, “it seems like we lack that in here.” 

“It’s funny how things work in here,” he ties his hair back, he looks more grown up with a ponytail. He normally looks like a high school student, but now I’m starting to think we might both be similar in age, he speaks profoundly, “it’s all so ironic, isn’t it? Inmates heightened sense of justice? It’s different than out there.” 

I nod in agreement, even though I’m not 100% sure of what he means. He’s suddenly reminded of something and digs through a file folder of artwork. It’s bursting at the seems with paper shaded with black marker and pen. Once he finds what he’s looking for, he pulls out a paper and hands it to me with two hands. I accept it and examine it as he speaks, “It’s the brook out of the church bay windows,” that it is, drawn to the exact pebble in the stream, even though it’s just black and white the details pop out so vividly. The longer I look at it the more I see, tiny birds singing in the trees, fish kicking in the stream and deer prancing in the woods. It’s almost like I could hear it and without the fence, it’s truly beautiful, “Levi said you liked it, you could have it, if you want.” Its really amazing, but even still I feel a little sad knowing I soiled it a little by bringing Jean back there.

“Really?” I wasn’t expecting him to give it to me, I’m a little flustered, “I mean, I really like it, you’re a really gifted artist, Armin.” 

“It’s all yours then,” he smiles. I try to find a place to put it soon as I get back to my cell, Levi comes in the cell and watches me struggle to roll tape into loops to put it on the wall, “Is that one of Armin’s?” He asks, keeping his eyes fixated on it. 

“He gave it to me,” I successfully put it up on the wall, it looks nice. Levi puts his head on my shoulder and joins me in looking at it, I take the most relaxed breath I’ve taken in a while, “Nice, isn’t it?” He nods in agreement. 

“He gave it to me because he said you told him that I liked that window,” I say and look to him. He looks a little confused as he tries to recall the exact conversation without success. 

“I didn’t say anything like that to him,” he shakes his head, “I haven’t talked to him at all actually, other than some small talk. I’m still hesitant of him. But,” he stretches his arms and cracks his neck, “Since everyone started being nice to him he’s always around, maybe he overheard something. He’s quiet but attentive.”

“Could be,” I think out loud and then shrug. I turn towards Levi, but his head still stays rested on me. He leans into my chest forehead first and just stands there, it’s a strange gesture but I guess it’s his way of asking for affection. It’s kind of cute. I put my arms around him and pull him closer, he does the same. It’s a simple embrace but it puts me more at ease than anything else in the word. His arms tighten around the base of my back longingly, “promise me you won’t do something stupid like that again, they let you off really easy,” he murmurs into my chest, “I was really worried about you, I thought they were going to take you away for good.”

“I’m sorry,” I didn’t realize how much my actions it hurt him, it wasn’t my intention but I’ll vow never to do it again, hurting him feels worse than hurting myself, “it won’t happen again, I’ll be good from now on.” The tension drops from his shoulders and he sighs. Sighing seems like something we do a lot here. I want to keep hugging him forever, but the alarm in his watch goes off, signaling that it’s time for him to go to work. He groans and slowly parts away from me. 

“You should go to work too,” he straightens my hair and dusts off my shoulders and chest, “I know Hannes and the others were missing you at the shop, first you’re sick, then you’re in jail-jail, you’re a terrible employee.” 

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” I mock him and laugh, “I’ll go, I’ll see you at dinner?” 

“You can bet on it,” he stands up in his tippy toes to kiss me before he leaves, “see you then.” 

I can’t help but smile to myself once I’m alone. I exchange my flip-flops for boots and whistle to myself as I head down to the shop. Hannes looks surprised to see me. 

“Mr. Jaeger,” he pulls off his ear protection and stands with his chest puffed out as always, “nice of you to join us.” 

“Sorry about all the absence,” I feel guilty since not everyone in this place can get a job and I never show up for mine, “but I’m here now, and I’m ready to be worked like a dog for pennies on the hour.” 

“Easy, easy,” he laughs, “I like your attitude, kid, but,” he leads me off the shop floor and to a system of letterboxes on the far wall, he pulls out a paper and passes it to me, “you need to be cleared by medical before you can work here again. Just get Dr. Smith to sign this, and you can make up as many as your missed shifts as you like.” 

“I’m doing great, really,” I assure him, but it seems my obvious well-being is still overruled by bureaucracy and legal issues. It probably has something to do with me being kept under special observation. I guess I gotta take this thing and go talk to Erwin. I don’t want to, but It’s got to be done, I groan outwardly at the thought of looking him in the face again. 

In the medical ward, Levi is sitting at the desk as usual with a date stamper and ink stains all over his fingers as the printer shoots out more pages at the speed of light. It looks like some sort of incident report. I was thinking about making a joke to him, but he looks like he doesn’t need another distraction. The ward is packed today, with each bed filled, “So many people in here today,” I say to him over some of the noise, assorted coughing, vomiting and groaning, “Something happen’?”

“Bad drugs,” he looks unsympathetically towards them, a few of which are bound to their beds with wrists cuffs as they twist in agony, “ecstasy or at least that’s what they thought they bought. They’re lucky they didn’t die off that stuff,” his eyes see the paper in my hand and raises and eyebrow, “What do you have there? Not divorce papers I hope.” 

“Of course not, it’s the insurance I’m taking out on you,” I grin and hand him the paper and he looks over it with a light smile, “Hannes needs Erwin to sign off on it before I can work again.” 

“Sure thing,” he passes it back to me and types something into the computer, “he’s free if you want to head in.” The door to Erwin’s office opens slowly, I nod to Levi before entering the adjoining room. 

He’s sitting in his chair with his legs crossed, he glances at me over his reading glasses. Perhaps, it’s because he’s overworked, but he has a strange and hungry look in his eyes, “Eren, how are you doing?” 

“Good,” I give him the paper, “That’s why I’m here, I just need you to sign this so I can go back to work.” He looks at the paper carefully through the thick part of his glasses probably longer than he needs too, surely he’s seen these slips before. Why is he acting like this is the first time? He slowly set the paper and his reading glasses down and eyes me for a moment before asking me to remove my clothes, all of them. He locks the door. I don’t know why I comply with his orders when it can’t possibly be necessary. My father, a doctor himself, made sure that I would obey him and his colleges, it’s my default and I only freeze up when I think about telling him off. The words are lodged in my throat like a cluster of spiders, I can feel them swarming inside of me but I can’t cough them up. 

It’s suffocating.

He leans over me and presses his lips hard against mine. It hits me like a panic, my mind and body go blank. I don’t know why, but I’m paralyzed, I can’t move a muscle as if my body isn’t my own anymore. His hands and tongue are all over me in places where they shouldn’t be. It seems like he knows how to force a response out of my body better than I do, it just happens without my saying so. He sucks on me hard until I come down his throat and he leaves bites marks and hickies along my hips like filthy brands. Once he’s done, I hear him asking me how the sex with Levi was after they broke up, he jokes about Levi being ‘too loose’ and being a whore, it seemed like throwing him out the way he did was all part of his plan. He knew that they were going to do the shakedown and he’s disappointed Levi didn’t get caught up in it. My mouth moves, to say something, but nothing tangible comes out. He lays me back down, this time inserting his jelly coated fingers inside of me. 

It doesn’t feel good, it doesn’t feel like anything. I close my eyes as tightly as they will go and beg to a higher power to wake up from this nightmare. I want it to stop, it’s worse than torture. This man is the devil, that’s the only possible explanation as to why I can’t move or cry out. I can just hear my own heart racing in my chest like a jackhammer until it fades out into the sound of a table saw whirling millimeters from my fingers. I whip my hand back and shut off the blade just in time to save my fingers from sure destruction. 

It makes me wonder if I had just daydreamed the whole thing. I shake my head to try to snap back to reality, maybe I’m not as sound as I thought I was. I finish my shift and try not to give it any more thought. Even at dinner with Levi, I laugh and smile, as usual, I ignore the bruises forming on my skin like the truth I want to ignore rising to the surface. 

At night, Levi crawls into bed with me. When he kisses the top of my ear softly, I involuntarily flinch at his touch. It like I can feel the doctor’s hands on me all over again, constricting my body like the jaws of a great beast with jagged barbed fangs. I feel disgusting, and even though he didn’t physically hurt me much my entire body feels as though I’ve been struck by a train. I pull the sheet over my head and my hands over my mouth. I feel guilty about all of this, it would kill Levi if he found out. Tears run out of my eyes without my permission, when I start sobbing it’s impossible to stop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> D:


	15. Discarded Magazines

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Justice?

"What’s the matter, Eren?” Levi calls quietly to me, his voice is filled with concern, it only makes me more emotional and inconsolable. For a second he panics he must have thought the worst happened and I guess he’s not wrong, “Did someone hurt you? Eren, please talk to me, what’s the matter? Tell me, let me help you.” When I try to talk, my words are blurred by sobs and sniffles leaving him even more confused and worried. He hugs me in hopes of cooling me down, it takes a while but soon I’m too tired to continue anymore. My crying fades out into hiccups and copious amounts of snot, Levi sits me up with a warm cloth and a box of tissues. 

“Feeling better now?” he rubs my back gently in a circular motion ignoring all the snot and tear stains I left on his shirt, “did something happen to make you this upset?” he searches my eyes desperately for an answer but I look down and pull my knees into my chest. 

“You’ll be angry,” I sniffle, letting my words by muffled by the tops of my knees. I don’t even know how I would word it even if I was to say it. I didn’t want it, that much I know, but I also didn’t do anything to make him stop. I’m so shaken up by it all that I can hardly gather my thoughts, I just want to cry again but I don’t have the energy. My body doesn’t feel like my own, I don’t recognize myself, I don’t recognize any of this. 

“I won’t be,” he says softly and sincerely, “tell me what happened, maybe I can help make it better”. I think about making something up, a fake dead aunt, a headache or homesickness, but I can’t lie to him, he deserves better than that. I can’t bear to look at him when I speak. 

“It was Erwin, he-“ I curl up, my soul aches terribly, “he made me-“ I can’t get my thoughts into coherent sentences, all I can do is cry again, “I didn’t tell him to stop, I froze up, I don’t know why. I didn’t want to do it but I just couldn’t-,” Levi looks petrified at the words coming out of my mouth, “I don’t want you to think I cheated on you, you’re all I have. I didn’t want it,” he doesn’t need to hear any more, he understands what I’m trying to say, “I didn’t want any of it, I got scared, I was so scared,” I sob into his chest, I want to go back to feeling nothing because when I start to feel emotional pain it overtakes me. 

“I’m so sorry, Eren,” his voice and body are trembling when he embraces me once more, “I’m not mad at you at all, it’s not your fault. If you say you didn’t want what he did I believe you-” his hot tears soak into my skin as his heart shatters, “I’m so fucking sorry, I don’t know why he’s like this. I’ll fucking murder that bastard for laying a hand on you.” 

“Levi-“ I try to beg him to stay with my eyes, “you can’t.” 

His faced warped with anger and grief slowly relaxes. He closes his eyes tightly, he knows it’s not an option if he ever wants to get out, but he’s smart, especially in here. He knows how things work in here and I know he’s already thinking of a way to get him back, “he didn’t hurt you at all? I can call a nurse to bring some supplies from medical, she’s trustworthy.” 

I shake my head. Yet, every inch of my skin burns with a type of pain I can’t explain. It feels as though my body is trying to reject its own skin for coming in contact with that monster. I raise my wrist to look at it, its bruised from his grip. The clear imprints of his thumb and forefingers are seared into my skin and mind. I touch it, it doesn’t really hurt but looking at it causes me to flinch. I clear my throat, “he left marks and spit all over me, it doesn’t hurt, but I feel disgusting. I haven’t showered, maybe I should-“ 

“Wait,” Levi rubs his eyes, he takes a deep breath and takes his hands in mine. He’s thought of something he knows I’m not going to like, “don’t, he hurt you, and if its ok, we have the chance to do something about it. If I get the nurse, she’ll take care of this, no one is going to protect him but I only want you to do it if you want to, doing something like that isn’t easy, it’s your choice.” It takes me a while to process it, but I know I’ll have to do it. He calls the guard who brings the night nurse. Levi talks quietly to her before she returns with a camera and sterile swabs. It’s awful having her swab and photograph me, and as kind as she is, she asks me all sorts of questions I wasn’t prepared to answer. Having to recall the event in detail is worse than I would have imagined. She gives me a look when I say that I didn’t yell or try to fight him off. I can’t explain it myself, but there was no way I wanted this. Levi holds my hand and listens patiently the whole time. Even when I start blubbering and shaking he’s there to assures me, it’s the only thing that gets me through it. 

The ordeal isn’t over until the early hours of the morning. The nurse and a guard take me to the showers where I can properly wash up. They’ll tell me I can take a long as I need, but a lifetime wouldn’t be enough. It’s a relief to get into bed where Levi is waiting for me. Even though I’m clean, Erwin’s fingers tips still cling on my skin like a putrid curse. He holds me apologetically, we both know there isn’t much he could say to help me feel any better, but he tries to sooth the sad out of me. And, to my surprise, his smell and his touch help me feel safe in a way I didn’t think was possible. My heart takes over control of my mouth when I speak to him in the darkness. 

“I think that I love you, Levi,” I say into his chest with his hands combing through my dampened hair. I know how risky it is, but after today, I want to make sure he knows how I feel about him. His body grows warm under me. I’d never thought that I would say something like that to anyone, especially to a man in here, but here I am saying it. I suppose I would have thought saying how I felt would be awkward or even scary, but right now, it’s comfortable and feels right. 

“I think that I love you too,” he replies simply, he seems pleasantly surprised at his own words, as do I. This place may not be real, but what I’m feeling is. Up until now, the fear of having nightmares was keeping me on edge and I was dreading going to sleep but now I feel like I can sleep in peace as long as he’s here with me. 

In the morning before lunch, I’m called away from work and brought down to the warden’s office by Mike. He doesn’t have to tell me why, I already know. I stand tall and ready to take what may come. But I surely didn’t expect to walk into a room with only the Warden and Erwin. It feels like I’m talking into a principles office, as though I’m the one in trouble. Erwin smiles at me before his eyes drift to the warden’s desk. As I sit down, I see the photos of my bruised naked body spread across the warden's desk like old discarded fashion magazines in a dentists office, this is beyond horrifying, I feel like I’m going to be sick. Erwin’s glace at them tells me this is entertaining, knowing the sick fuck, he’s probably getting off on all of this. I try to cut Erwin out of my vision as mind as well, but he’s sitting nearly shoulder to shoulder with me. I’m not going to let them scare me, I didn’t go through all of the trouble of getting here just to get tongue-tied again. I sit up straight and become prepared to stand my ground.

“Mr. Jaeger,” The warden, Shadis, looks crossly at the photographs on the table and combs his fingers through his scraggly facial hair, “I take these sorts of accusations very seriously, but Dr. Smith has willingly admitted to his wrongdoing. But we would prefer to keep this under the radar,” he wants me to stay quiet about it? “Mr. Smith will be leaving his position in three weeks time and will be transferred to another facility, is that to you’re liking?” 

“I-,” a million thoughts race through my brain, nothing about this seems ethical or right. You don’t get to do this to someone and walk away scot-free, but as I look around I remember where I am and who I am. My power and voice are limited, I’m nothing in here. “I don’t know,” my words surprise them and myself, “what if he does it again? I’m sure I can’t be the first, in fact-“I cut myself short, when I look up I can see the flames flickering behind Erwin’s icy eyes, he can’t be ignorant enough to think half the prison doesn’t know what he does in his office by now. I swallow hard and look the warden in the eye unwaveringly, “I need him to be gone, effective immediately, if not, I’m calling lawyer.” The two of them look stunned, for a moment they look at each other and consider their options.

“That can be arranged. Right, Doctor Smith,” the Warden looks down at Erwin, I sense he’s angrier at the commotion he’s caused for the prison rather than the harm he’s done to myself and others. I imagine people who want to be prison doctors are few and far between, if anything, the Warden probably knew about Erwin’s behaviour and chose to keep him to avoid looking for a new hire. 

I can hear Erwin’s foot tapping on the floor at my feet, he’s nervous and pissed. His tongue flicks over his teeth like a starved beast, and he smiles with only his eyes, “Certainly, Warden.”   
The legal and social threat that is posed is too big for them to ignore. I’m not happy that he’ll be working in another prison just on the shallow promise that he’ll be on his best behavior. I wonder if I asked for so little because I felt like that’s all I deserve or because that’s all I can get in here. When I get back into my cell I throw up, nothing about this feels like justice, but at least I won’t have to see him again. He can’t hurt me or Levi anymore. 

News gets around the prison faster than a brush fire, but thankfully my name isn’t attached to the gossip. I’m just a nameless inmate who reported him for something everyone knows he does. No one really seems to have anything positive to say about him or comes forwards in his defense, and those who tolerated him did it on the basis of a ‘working relationship’. It’s funny how once Erwin leaves, the drug overdose cases come to a standstill. It seems I did everyone a favour, too bad it came at such a personal cost.


	16. Meet the wife

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A cheerful Christmas special (feat. abnormal turnout of the hips)

“I met the new doctor,” Levi walks with me down the hall shoulder to shoulder after supper, its been about a week since Erwin has been gone, it feels final now, “His names Moblit Beaker, wait, Brenner,” he tilts his head to think before waving it off, “Berner, something or other, I guess this is his first gig inside, he’s a little jumpy and stressed but I think he’ll do just fine,” he puts all his weight on to me and we slowly slide towards the wall, until my back is up against it and he can face me “I know I’ve said it before, but you’re brave and I’m proud of you,” he looks over his shoulder before kissing my nose, “do you want to go do something to celebrate?” 

“I want to play Smash, I think I can actually beat you this time-“ I see Jean walking down the hall, he scowls the moment our eyes meet. Two of his crushes getting close together in the hall? I can’t possibly waste an opportunity to bug him, “and then we can have crazy sex,” I say loud enough so he can overhear. Levi spots Jean too, he grins and quickly catches on. 

“Naked sex,” Levi exclaims, trying to hold back childish laughter, “with our dicks because we’re a couple.” 

Jean’s face turns red as he speed-walks to run past us growling up a storm, “get a room, Jesus.” We can’t help but burst out laughing after, I know I probably shouldn’t harass him too much, but Jean is just such an easy target. We go back to our cell a play Smash until lights out, I manage to snag a whopping 30% of the wins mostly due to me nudging Levi’s arm and making him miss a roll or fall to his death. Levi knows I was just kidding about the sex bit, my sex drive took an understandable dip the last week since what happened with Erwin. Still, Levi makes sure I feel special and cared for. After Levi gets into bed with me and we try to fall asleep with little success, but I can tell something is on his mind. 

“I wasn’t completely honest with you about something,” he says quietly as if in hopes that I wouldn’t hear, “about my wife, Hanji.” 

Oh yeah, that, “Hmm?” I’m tired, but I still listen to him with closed eyes. 

“We’re not really married,” he says with defeat as if this should be a surprise to me. 

“I figured that much,” I chuckle tiredly. Other than occasionally looking endearingly at her picture, talking about her genius brains and skill with a scalpel she never really comes up. For the entire time that I’ve been here, he’s never had a visitor. Not even a lawyer, and certainly not a pretty lady. In the back of my mind ever since he told me what happened, I sort of imagined she passed away, but I was too afraid to ask him. 

“Don’t get me wrong,” he spouts, “I love her to death and if I never committed my crime we would be married with cats by now, but,” his voice trails off, and he clicks his tongue, “she’s still working overseas in the military and I’m in here, it would be too shameful for her to bear my name or even be associated with me. I know it’s dumb but I feel like I’m still a danger to her.” 

He sighs deeply and looks at his finger that bears no ring, “we agreed that neither of us find anyone once I get out that we’ll spend the rest of our lives together as life partners. I hope that doesn’t happen, for her sake. She deserves a good future, with out me.” 

I muse over it the idea, rather than the people involved. It’s a dreamy thought, it sounds like something straight out of a Harlequin novel, a shameful and painful attraction. But, without it being said, I want him to myself, “that’s sort of romantic, life partners,” I let it roll off my tongue like smooth weighted balls, “locked up and at war, just waiting until their paths cross again.” 

“Don’t get all sappy about it,” he nudges me with a smirk, “she found someone, I don’t know if they’re going to get married or anything, but they’ve been together for two years now, the longest since me. I know this person way back from basic training, I trust that they can take care of her.” 

“Are you happy for her?” I ask softly, meeting his eyes. 

He nods, “I am,” he says candidly with a tinge of regret, “I screwed up, and I want her to have a normal life, even if it’s not with me. Look at me,” he chuckles melancholically at his own words, “Griping about my sad hetero problems, as if we don’t get enough of that in here.” That much he has right, everyday all we hear is guys whining about missing their girls. 

“Hey, Levi,” I shift around in his grasp and he moves a little so I can become more comfortable, I know this is probably going to sound like a weird question, but I ask it anyway, “Did you always like girls? How did you know you liked guys?” A half expect him to laugh at me, but instead,he sinks back into thought. 

“I’ve liked girls from when I was a kid,” he says nodding, he recalls some old memories and laughs, “when I was a kid I was a total player. I had, like, so many girlfriends all at the same time and they would get in fights over it. When I met Hanji in junior high, we just clicked instantly, I didn’t have eyes for anyone but her for a long, long time,” his tone of voice changes, his words become thicker, “but when I got into the military, I noticed right away how a lot of the guys looked at me. I don’t know how to describe it exactly, but it’s like a hunger, a few of them wanted me really bad,” he swears and laughs in the same breath, “and that’s about when I realized that I like that attention, especially when it was my betters. I messed around a little with a couple of the guys, but nothing serious or romantic even, just sex. I guess that’s why I liked Erwin, he looked at me like those guys did-” he cuts himself off and switches the conversation to me, he’s not interested in dredging up Erwin for both our sakes, “I never really thought I could be romantically involved with a guy, until I met you,” he places a gentle kiss on my forehead, “so, what about you?” 

“I think I’m just gay,” it still feels weird saying it, even just to Levi seeing as how we’ve had sex on several occasions, “I tried liking girls, I mean, they’re beautiful and soft, what’s not to like?” he bobs his head in agreement, “but I guess I’m just not wired that way, and I just didn’t want to admit it until now, I guess.” it does feel good to say it out loud, and Levi receives it warmly without any judgments. 

The longer we’re together, the easier things become. Even in our tiny cell, we’ve managed to build a little life together. I have plants growing in the window, he teaches me how to crochet and knit (a skill I didn’t know he. He had gained from a discontinued prison program). It’s a bit of a hassle to get the needles since they’re under tight control from the staff and I have to sign them out like restricted library books but soon I get almost too good at it, I make all my friends hats, gloves and slippers. Quickly, I find myself running out of patterns offered in books and start to make my own. We do crosswords while crochet almost every night, we’re like an old married couple. What we have is all kind of funny but it’s so whole-hearted yet simple. Months pass by and before I know it it’s Christmas Eve and there was no way I would forget his birthday. 

Outside, snow is falling in large clumps just like in Christmas globes I’d shake as a kid. And, since it’s a special occasion the heat is turned up extra high, so it’s nice and warm compared to the normal frigid conditions were subject to. Levi is sitting on the bed across from me, “happy Levi-mas,” I pass him his gift wrapped in the comic section of the newspaper, “I know it’s a day early but I’m dying to give it to you. 

He thanks me and unwraps it carefully, when he sees what it is a smile spreads across his face, “No way, how did you-“ he’s at a loss for words. He pulls it out of the package, it’s a blanket. I crocheted it myself. Since sam-coloured yarn is hard to get here I improvised and built a deep chevron pattern in a multitude of colours, “When did you manage make this? And how’d you keep it as a secret from me?” he stares at it in awe, it makes me glad knowing he likes it. 

“I worked on it before, after and on my breaks at work, I threatened everyone not to tell you, it took a while,” I make it sound easier than it is, but I know he knows how hard I worked on it. 

“It’s beautiful,” he throws it around himself, , “I think, I-I think,” he stutters, he’s become wholly delighted, “it’s the best gift I’ve ever gotten. I totally corrupted you with the whole crocheting thing,” he leans over the bed and kisses me gently. 

“In more ways than one,” I grin and playfully elude to something other than knitting. He grins back and overtakes me before following up with tongue filled kiss. It’s the middle of the day the day before Christmas, and we’ve both kept our selves so busy and ultimately exhausted this whole week that we haven’t had sex in at least two. But it’s been the brief periods apart that have brought us closer together. When he pulls off my shirt and brings his mouth to my chest, even if it’s the middle of the day, I’m made more than eager to make up for lost time and so is he. 

“Inmates,” I didn’t even hear the door open, it’s Officer Dok, just the sound of his voice makes the two of us groan and pull away from each other, he’s been giving us a chiefly hard time this week since Petra went on vacation for the Christmas break. She doesn’t care if we sleep in the same bed at night, make out during the day in our cell or hold hands while we’re sitting in a corner, but Nile cares all too much about all of that, and he makes a point to use his power to keep us apart when he can. 

“Do I need to tell you how sexual relations between anyone are forbidden again?” He growls like a rabid beast, everything about the two of us together rubs him the wrong way, “or should we all stop by the warden’s office and hear it straight from him?” 

“No, Sir,” we both say at the same time with stifled irritation. But now we know his words are just words, he doesn’t have much ability to lay down the punish us. Earlier in the week, he had brought us to the Wardens office over us sleeping in the same bunk, Shadis didn’t care in the slightest. He even went as far as to say that we’ve become model prisoners since becoming ‘good friends’. Though truthfully, I think it’s his way on going easy on me, so I don’t spill about the Erwin thing. I thought Nile’s eyes were going to melt out of their sockets, but still, he hasn’t given up paying extra close attention to us. He has it out for Levi and me, if I stand in his way. 

“That’s what I thought, now,” he looks at a clipboard and speaks more like a proper C.O. rather than a sadistic bastard, “you have guests in the waiting room, I’ve come to retrieve you.” It must be Mikasa, she said she would visit me for Christmas and bring me cake and crochet patterns. I stand up and put my shirt back on, grab my gift for Mikasa and follow Niles out into the main room, Levi goes back to sitting comfortably on our bunk with his new blanket wrapped around him like a hug.

“You too, Ackerman,” Nile orders. Levi looks as though he may have misunderstood him, but he soon comes to his feet with a puzzled look and together we leave the cell. He looks anxious about it, it looks like he wasn’t expecting to see anyone. Perhaps he’s imagining the worst. Nile searches Mikasa’s gift extra hard as if he expects to find me smuggling something out. He goes out of his way to tear the wrapping and bow. I try to straighten it as I walk into the waiting room, but its unsalvageable and I just toss it. Fucking asshole.

I grumble about it until the moment I see Mikasa sitting at a table, soon as I’m allowed in I rush towards her and give her longest hug I can give before the guards can say something. She’s grown out her hair since I’ve seen her last, it’s past shoulder length. I can’t help but notice how soft she is and how nice it smells when I hug her. 

“Merry Christmas,” is the first thing I say to her, she smiles and her smile grows larger when I give her gift, “Sorry it’s not wrapped.” 

“Damn, Eren,” she slides her gift onto her hands and head. I crocheted her a pair of fitted gloves as well as a matching hat. They’re cream coloured and made of wool, to decorate them I stitched a dark winding branch with pink cherry blossoms on each of the pieces. She’s always loved the tiny light pink flowers since I’ve known her.

“You really are serious about the whole crocheting thing,” she hugs me, before feeling the delicate material, “they’re really beautiful, Eren. Thank you so much. I’m sorry my gift isn’t as good as yours,” she has a thick folder of papers, when she opens it up my eyes light up at the dozens and dozens of crochet patterns from the internet, “I looked for the hardest and most unusual ones I could find, because you said on the phone that its what you wanted and also,“ she pulls out a piece of carrot cake enclosed in a clear container, “extra spicy, just as you like it.” 

My mouth salivates just looking at it, “your gifts are great, thank you so much. This looks so delicious, can I eat it now?” She gives an approving nod and I dig in. The sweet icing and rich cake light up my underused taste buds like a wondrous supernova and I am instantly transported to somewhere beyond heaven.

For a moment, I let my attention wander to voices coming from behind me. “You’ve aged so well, Levi, you hardly look thirty,” A woman’s voice from somewhere behind me catches on my ear, “God,” she laughs wholeheartedly, “how did we get so old? It feels like just yesterday that we were teenagers skipping school to get high.” I eavesdrop on their conversation, to try to pick up every word they speak in the room full of chatter and noise. 

“Tell me about it,” it’s Levi’s voice, “I wish I had known you were coming, I would be lying if I said I didn’t nearly shit my pants and cry at the same time when I saw you through the glass. And of course you had to come all dressed in your service uniform,” Levi laughs, “I bet you still don’t own anything that isn’t military issued.” 

“Got that right,” she laughs following his, “and you always said you liked a lady in uniform, plus it’s all I have that’s clean.” 

She goes on to update him on their mutual friends and others in service. She’s got to be Hanji, the sort-of wife. I slowly turn my head with cake still in my mouth and look at them. Her neatly pressed khaki coloured uniform is decorated with countless medals and insignias. Her dark brown hair is pulled back into a messy ponytail under her cap that frames her strong olive toned face. Below the table, I notice she only has one leg, the other from below the knee a is a very complicated and mechanical looking prosthetic. Levi is looking at her with a lovie-dovie look in his eye, and she’s looking the same way back. I wonder what this all means. For a second her eyes lock with mine then my eyes meet Levi. I panic as my eyes jump between the grey and brown sets. Without saying anything in whip my eyes back to Mikasa who is talking about Annie.

“You know her Annie, she’s just a stubborn as ever, but-“, she stops talking dead in the middle of her sentence and looks sternly over my shoulder like a guard dog, when she speaks it’s hushed, “I think the people behind you are talking about us or you, they’re starring. Don’t turn-“ 

I ignore her advice and instinctively turn once more. The instant I turn I meet a set of warm brown eyes from behind a pair of dirty glasses. Her mouth opens widely as if she’s going to scream, “THAT’S HIM?!” she whispers as loudly as possible, surely everyone in the room can hear her, “EREN?” She knows my name? I see Levi sitting beside her, he smashes his face into the table and mumbles with embarrassment, “Now I’ve done it.” 

“Hello, Eren,” she rushes over frantically first on her own, but before she sits down she goes back and drags Levi who’s limp with regret and embarrassment, “I’m Hanji Zoe,” she sticks out her hand with an overly friendly smile, as I give it a firm shake she whispers to Levi while still in my earshot, “he’s so cute, and you weren’t lying about him bein’ young,” I’m blushing terribly just thinking about whatever she knows, I feel like I could die, “Levi has told me everything about you,” she spouts joyfully, further confirming my worst fear. 

“Are these your friends?” Mikasa looks eagerly at them both. I haven’t told her anything about Levi and I’s relationship other than that we’re friends and cellmates. I can feel the sweat coating my neck and palms and the blood rushing through my veins, I never thought this would come up, I don’t think I’m ready for any of this. 

“Yeah,” I laugh and cough nervously, “and I hope Levi has told you good things about me, Hanji.” 

“All kinds of things,” she looks enthusiastically at Mikasa’s hat and gloves, “that you’re obsessed with crocheting, that you have managed to grow three seedlings from orange seeds, you like vintage video games, you play piano but he’s never heard you play and that you have excellent turnout in your hips-“ Levi kicks at her under the table, and she grunts, “good things,” she winces and stops herself from going any further, appearing to get the message. 

“That sounds about right,” Mikasa laughs, seemingly unaware of my stressed situation, “I don’t know about the hip thing though, that’s a good thing? Levi, you’re a doctor, right?” I feel as though I could die, the corners of my eyes and mouth are twitching trying to keep my smile up. 

“I’m not really a doctor,” he clears his throat and desperately tries to cover for her slip-up, “I was a corpsman. I just noticed the hip thing,” Hanji snickers and Levi nudges her again, they really are a funny pair, “it’s not a bad thing, it’s sought after by dancers and those in artistic sports at least. I don’t know why I felt the need to mention it to Hanji, just med-nerd speak I guess.”

“Interesting,” Mikasa smiles and Levi returns the smile, awkwardly. Mikasa sticks her hand out and shakes both of their hands, “I’m Mikasa by the way, Eren’s sister.” Levi looks surprised, I suppose that I’ve never showed him a picture of her or described her to him. Perhaps he was thinking she might look more like me, that’s what most people think anyway. 

The four of us end up making small talk until our visit is cut short by the ever-growing line of awaiting visitors. Hanji, to my surprise, is far more interesting, tall, funny, attractive and brighter than Levi has ever made her out to be. I could be that he didn’t want to make me feel bad, which may have happened earlier on in our relationship but now I just really like her, and I would love to spend more time with her. Mikasa likes her and Levi too, she’s glad to have finally met at least one of my friends in here. 

Hanji is in a town about three hours away with a cousin for Christmas before she needs is to do more training and attend a few conferences before going back overseas to some country I’ve never heard of. At dinner, I can’t stop asking Levi questions about her. He answers each of them thoughtfully with a light smile, just her short visit has lifted his spirit even higher. The food helps with that too, turkey, mash, cranberry sauce, ham and mixed veggies really make this place feel like home for once. I savor every bite, I don’t think I’ve ever had a meal that tasted so good. They even put out decorations all over the place, it seems like they’ve sprung up overnight. Paper snowflakes, trees, and strands of lights adorn the hall back to our unit. With the lights dimmed and his hand in mine, it makes it feel really special. 

“Sorry about Hanji,” he rolls on the bed before I join him, “I didn’t know that your visitor was your sister and that she didn’t know about all of this.” I never mentioned that I was never out to her, but it seems he’s able to tell from my deflection earlier. 

Bringing it up with her has been on my mind since our last meeting, “I think I’m going to tell Mikasa anyway,” I’ve given it a bit of thought and as difficult as it may seem to approach I know that she’ll be supportive, she always has been, “about me and you.” She’s always encouraged me to be myself, even if its counterproductive at times. 

“She seems like a really nice girl,” he speaks as the lights flick off, “but tell her when you’re ready. There’s no rush, I’m not going anywhere” I roll on top of him as smile as his goofy face I’m so accustomed to kissing. 

“Hey, Levi,” I smooch his nose, “What’s hip turnout anyway?” 

He groans and covers his face, I’m starting to like making him embarrassed. He should have known it was going to come up, “It’s just nerd talk, she was just asking what you are like ‘physically’, it’s not important. You’re the picture of health.” 

“Hey,” I pout, I really want to know, “you’re the one who brought it up.” 

“Fine,” he gives in, “but Hanji was the one who brought it up, I only helped,” he gently shoves me off of him, “let’s go to the floor.” He thinks about how he’s going to do this, and when he comes up with a way he carefully instructs me with his words and his hands, “lay on your back, and bend you legs at the knees so they make a triangle shape on the floor. Don’t arch your back, keep it straight,” he nudges my legs until my knees rest on the floor, once I’m in the correct position he nods approvingly and sits on the bed, “that’s turn out.” 

I lift my head to look at my hips, it doesn’t look like anything. I sit up, “I don’t understand.” 

“It means your hips are remarkably flexible and mobile,” he looks down at me with a grin in the darkness, “so are other parts of your body, I noticed it the second time we had sex, it’s Impressive and kind of hot,” I’ve always known I’ve had double jointed joints all throughout my body, which were kind of fun in middle school but soon after everyone thought they were creepy and weird including myself. I was glad to eventually out grow most of it, but now, Levi seems attracted to it. 

“Is that so?” I slide closer to him, with him sitting on the bed and me on the floor his waist it at eye level, I’m starting to get ideas I want to act on. He surely wouldn’t object to me giving him head, I want to get better at it, and like they say, there is no better time than the present. I don’t think too much about it when I kiss the bulge in his shorts, he moves his hands to my shoulders and slowly winds them up my neck and to my hair. He gently tousles my hair gently, feeling the strands pass between his fingers. It feels nice, like a massage to the brain. 

I’ve been so turned on since this morning, it’s been a little bit of a struggle having him in such close proximity to me but having to wait until dark. I grip his thighs and try to speed the process along quickly by lowering the hem on his bottoms just enough to pull him out. 

He’s still soft, but I take what I can I into my mouth, he moans hoarsely in response. I’ve noticed the last few times we’ve had sex that he’s been more vocal, he moans more and tells me exactly what he wants, while being less concerned with maintaining power hold over me. I suck him harder, pulling the blood from his body to fill his cock. I like the sounds he makes, particularly the ones he makes when he’s in my mouth. They’re less restricted, messy and slutty at times. 

Levi has told me frankly before he’s not a huge fan of having a dick in his mouth. Strained jaw, trying not to gag, being forced to breathe through your nose, saliva everywhere, etc, he would rather eat me out and give me a handy by a long shot. I respect his opinion and I agreed with him at first, but slowly I’m starting to come around to getting used to it. The way he pulses on my tongue when I look up at him, the way his hip’s shake to fight their urge to move, the way his hands touch me and how his toes curl when he’s about to come. I can read his body before even he can. 

“I’m close,” he utters in a feverish breath with his knees twisting and moans pouring out of him. He let’s go of my expecting me to trade my mouth out for my hand but instead I suck harder, “seriously, Eren I’m--“ he’s on his last legs when gives me a second warning before shooting down the back of my throat. The unexpected sensation and taste makes me almost gag, for some reason, this seemed like a better idea in my head. I cough and swallow the rest of them semen hesitantly, my face must give away how I feel about it, he laughs quietly. “I could have told you it would taste bad,” he wipes the sweat off his brow with a satisfied grin. I suppose I already knew that, but I wanted to test it for myself. I quickly go to the sink and rinse out my mouth with mouthwash. It was really good until the last second, but it’s ok because it’s Levi’s. He laughs and say something about him corrupting me when I jump back into bed with him. He kisses me until my back is to the bed so he can return the favour. 

He’s just so happy, not about the sex, but about everything. It’s the night before Christmas and I’m spending it with the person I care most about the world about under the crocheted present I was so excited to give him. I was dreading spending Christmas in here, but things worked out after all.


	17. Christmas episode

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ho ho ho (evil 90’s anime girl laugh, not Santa)

Waking up next to him warms my heart in a way I didn’t think was possible. He must have awakened before me, he’s probably been silently watching me this whole time, what a nerd. His warm eyes narrow into a thoughtful smile, “Merry Christmas, Sunshine.” His toasty arms caress me in a shawl of affection, I hug him back. Even though there’s no Christmas tree, freshly baked cookies, crackling fire or holiday music, I can feel the spirit of the holidays deep inside.

“Merry Christmas,” I kiss him good morning. It’s early in the morning and judging by the fluffy snow piled up just outside the window it must have snowed all night. Somewhere past our door, I can hear the faint and peaceful sounds of someone whistling a familiar Christmas carol with a vibrato as soft and gentle as the snow outside. Today is going to be a good day, I can feel it.

“I got you something, but if you shake it, I’ll kill you dead,” he reaches under the bed and carefully produces a small cardboard box to me proudly. It’s got a delicate bow that looks like a chrysanthemum made from dyed printer paper sitting proudly on top. I thank him and accept it and begin to open it as carefully as I can, I can’t remember the last time I was this excited on Christmas, I feel like a kid again. 

“It’s not much,” Levi says as humbly as ever, I slide the gift out of the side of the box, “but I know how are about plants.” It’s a bonsai tree, small and perched delicately on its above-ground roots wrap around small pebbles in what looks to be a painted sunglass case. It’s endearing in its size and character, so much so that it almost doesn’t look real. It’s like something out of a documentary or a Disney movie, I can hardly believe I’m holding something so small yet gorgeous in my hands. My eyes threaten to tear up, “Levi,” I’m at a loss for words, “it’s beautiful, how on earth did you get it?” 

He passes me a nearly folded hand-written care instruction, “It was Marco’s, he’s leaving next week, and he has a few of these thingies in his window. I bugged him to give one to me for a while now, but soon as I told him I was going to give it to you he said you’d like this one the best,” Levi hugs me from behind and looks at it over my shoulder, “I think because it was the smallest one, he said it’s a dwarf juniper bonsai, if I remember correctly. He said it's his favourite one, he must have a soft spot for you.” 

I set it on the desk and pull him into a hug that I wish would never end. The morning goes by slowly but in the best way possible. Pancakes and half-frozen blueberries for breakfast, most inside jobs have the day off, the showers and the yard are open all day and outside is covered with a thick layer of frothy snow. I put on my jacket, two pairs of pants and the sweater I crocheted for myself and run outside through snow up to my calves with Levi. We must look like idiots wearing all these clothes, chasing each other around like puppies and hurling poorly formed balls of snow at each other, but we’re having too much fun to stop. Levi throws one that hits me square in the face and he topples over laughing. His contagious laughter catches on me quickly and makes me laugh until my stomach aches. I lay in the snow beside him and look up as it gently falls down from the sky. I want to stay out here forever. It’s only when we can feel the melted snow seeping into in our boots and inside our clothes do we come in to change. We’re greeted by Christmas music playing over the sound system. Silver bells, my favourite. 

At lunch, everyone seems to be crowded around the table we usually sit at. And by everyone, I mean literally everyone in our unit and then some. Naturally, once I get close enough to see what’s going on Its Auruo who’s enjoying being the centre of attention. He’s balancing on the back legs of a chair gloating and tossing something back and forth in his hands nonchalantly.

“If it really was real, why would you be showing it to us?” I overhear Jean say before I peak over someone’s shoulder to see what the fuss is about. Auruo’s holding a black canister or sorts with yellow printing all around its face. I can’t tell exactly what it is, but everyone seems curious about it. Knowing Auruo, it could just be a can of hairspray or canned cheese, but because those are both contraband he could be showing off to get a little attention. 

“What are you doing now, Maybelline?” It’s Levi, he pushes through the crowd to see what’s going on. Some of the bigger taller guys move out of his way as he pushes past their shoulders. He only gets about halfway into the crowd when his demeanor changes. He freezes dead in his tracks once he see’s the object of interest bouncing between Auruo’s clammy hands, “is that-“Levi blinks hesitantly, and takes a heavy step back. His jaws drops and his eyes widen in disbelief. Whatever it is has made Levi completely speechless, I don’t understand what this is all about, but the suspense is killing me. 

“I found it outside in the snow,” he looks around at everyone with a sly expression, he’s just living in the spotlight, “someone must have thrown it over. We’re trying to figure out if it’s real or not if so, we might have some real firepower here, boys.” He holds it high in the air and lets out a howl, his audacious action gives me a good opportunity to read what is written on the outside of it. ‘Offensive hand grenade, MK3A2’. What the hell is he playing it? It can’t be real. 

“Yeah,” Connie speaks up, “he said he pulled the pin, threw it at the fence and I didn’t go off. It can’t be real then.” 

“Yeah, that’s really reassuring,” Marco groans stressfully, he doesn’t seem to like the idea of this. 

The corner of Levi’s mouth quivers, his tone is threatening but also ripe with fear. His voice comes out slow and bumpy, he’s trying not to scare anyone by speaking to quick and roughly, but it’s clear he’s petrified about what he’s seeing before his own eyes, “so you’re telling me, your stupid inbred ass is holding live unexploded munitions right now?” The room goes deathly still and silent. Everyone exchanges concerned looks, the smiles and laughs fade away and the new tense atmosphere takes over like a shadow. I feel it rippling through my body like a low gong, the unmistakable sense of fear. 

“I’ve seen enough of those to know that what you’re holding is a demolition grenade,” he points at it, everyone’s eyes hold tightly to the black canister, he speaks sharply and to the point, “if the pin is gone that means it could detonate at any second, it would shred all of us to nothing.” It can’t be, things like this don’t happen. It feels as though all of the air is pulled out of my lungs. It can’t be real, who would have something like that in here? 

Auruo pauses, he laughs but it comes off as weird and nervous, he’s trying to salvage his pride but also keep the fear out of his voice, “It’s probably not real, Levi, stop being so dramatic.” 

“And what if it is?” Levi’s eyes widen, and he addresses everyone now that he has their full and undivided attention, “Auruo, stay still, everyone else take slow steps back,” he turns to me, with sweat running down his temple with a look of terror in his eyes like I’ve never seen before shouting, “Eren, go get a CO, NOW!” He doesn’t need to tell me twice. I spin on my heels and get the fuck out of there. How is this happening? How is this actually fucking happening? 

I pull off my sandals and I run as fast as my legs can carry me down the hall. I see plenty of guys lounging around, they give me surprised glances when I skid past them, but I don’t pass any CO’s, not a single one. Where is everyone? On a normal day, surely at least two CO’s would have told me to stop running in the halls by now. I rush all the way back down to our unit before I see Mike talking to Nile in their office. I bang on the plexiglass window desperately to grab their attention, they slowly rise out of their seats and approach the door. They open the door and peer at me as if they would rather I’d leave. This situation is about a bad as it gets and I need them to listen to me, but even when I speak, I know how crazy I must sound. I try to catch my breath as I talk, “there is a live grenade, probably,” I brace myself on my knees and try desperately to speak coherently, “in the cafeteria, someone,” I stagger towards them desperately to communicate the gravity of what’s going on, “found it outside, I think you need to do something about it.” 

The two officers look at me then at each other. Mike’s brow furrows as he reaches for his walkie-talkie but before he can remove it from his belt Nile bursts out into manic laughter as if I’ve just told the funniest joke of all time. I stare at him in horror while he giggles about it, he wipes the laughter-induced the tears out of his eyes, “What would an inmate do with a-“ 

I had hoped I had just imagined it. This can’t happen. This isn’t happening. The explosion rips through the building like bullets shooting out of a thousand guns followed by a hoard blood-curdling screams.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SORRY (not sorry) NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO BE HAPPY


	18. Battlefield Corpsman

Nile’s and Mike’s expressions switch to distress as the fire alarm emits the most piercing sound I’ve ever head. They shift around trying to figure out what to do first but ending cursing and yelling nonsense. They try to tell me to go back to my cell but my feet take over. Levi was there, he was right there and I left him. He could be hurt or worse because he stayed behind, I left him, why did I leave him?! It’s Christmas, he can’t die on Christmas. I scream like a maniac as images of his mangled corpse shoot through my mind and run towards the horrible sounds I had just heard. With each time my feet pound into the floor, the cries from others join mine and get louder as the dust and smoke get thicker. When I get to the cafeteria I push past a crowd a coughing and yelling men straight into the darkened underbelly of hell. 

People stagger past me coated in dust and blood. From inside, others call out for help somewhere in the distance, “Levi!” I scream into the abyss and listen as carefully to the chaos as I can for a response, but it’s pointless over the hellish fire alarm,“Levi!” the fire sprinklers that are undamaged rain down, and clear the minute fires and airborne particles allowing everything to come into view. The sprinklers that are broken shoot out jagged spouts of water in every which way and do little but slicken the floor ripe with destruction. The icy cold water hits my skin and throws off my senses, I’m disoriented and even as everything comes into view I struggle to be able to tell what’s up and what’s down. 

People are laying and running everywhere. The water from above mixes with the blood and dust on the floor, the icy water soaks into my socks dying them a deep ashen crimson. The shock hits me like a freight train and brings me to my knees. A section of wall that looks into the yard is missing and snow blows in while furniture, that was once mounted to the ground, is thrown and charred black as if it was simple paper and not steel. It’s impossible not to think of the worse. People around me must be dead, there is no way anyone could have fully survived that. And Levi was here, he must have- 

“Somebody turn off the fucking sprinklers and the fucking alarm too while you’re at it,” I hear his voice cursing from somewhere in the chaos, “I can’t hear a fucking thing,” I see him stagger to his feet and then collapse under his own weight. He’s alive, I hurry to my feet nearly tripping over my own two legs. I throw myself at him but not too hard he looks like he’s in pain, he’s soaking wet and shivering, “God, Levi,” I hug him as if we’ve spent an eternity apart, I’ve never been so grateful to see someone injured in my life, “Are you ok?” his clothes are stained with blood and the pale skin on his face and neck looks nearly translucent under the coat of water. 

“I’m fine,” he urges me to help him to his feet, he stumbles and winces, but he manages to stand, “I just twisted my ankle, I’ll live,” he looks around the room with gaping bloodshot eyes. It looks like a war zone. The sheer destruction is enough to make anyone pause, but he doesn’t get lost in the devastation for long, “we need to get everyone out of here, now, find the doctor and get someone to turn off th-“ His head whips around before I can even register the sound. There is another explosion somewhere off in the prison. Everyone cries out again in a panic and throws themselves to the ground fearing the worst. Who’s doing this? There is another, that’s louder than the first, the whole building strains painfully to absorb the shock. More dust and ash rain down from the already weaken ceiling. It could crumble and kill us all without warning. The screams, the explosions, It sounds like what I imagine passengers on the Titanic heard as the ship was fatally self-propelled into the deadly ice burg. This situation is looking worse by the minute. 

The stress overwhelms me. I look around to try to focus on something, if I can’t focus, I feel like I’ll pass out. Everything and everyone is seared with the grenades destruction. The alarm, the cries for help, the smell of blood and vomit – it’s all too much and painfully overwhelms my senses. I can’t focus. I can’t focus. 

Levi pulls my attention back to me with his freezing hands on either side of my face, his hands tremble as he asks for my help, “find the doctor and get someone to shut off the sprinklers and the alarm, I’m going to try to get everyone out of here, this place might-“ he cuts himself off, probably to keep me calm. His eyes beg for my action, “can you do that for me?” 

My joke comes out shakier than expected, “y-you’re asking an awful lot of me today.” 

He smiles but only as much as his soul allows, “I wouldn’t ask you if I didn’t think you could handle it. You can do this, I know you can.” I don’t want to leave him here, but he needs me to do this. I take a deep breath and close my eyes momentarily before I run off down the hall to find anyone that could possibly help me. The CO’s have all scattered, but I can hear one shouting fuzzy messages over the intercom telling us to return to our cells. There are smears and pools of blood all down the hallway like a trail, people must be heading to the medical ward. 

“Eren,” It’s Mike, I almost run straight into him while turning the corner, “go back to your cell immediately, it’s not safe out here.” That much is apparent. 

“Mike,” I breath, “Thank God, where are all the other CO’s?” 

His face crunches with disbelief, whatever is going on, it can’t be good, “they’re all hiding while they call this in, no one knows what to do. There is no protocol for this kind of thing, I can’t say I blame them,” he wipes the sweat off his forehead, he can’t wrap his mind around any of this, “I’m just trying to do what I can for now, which is to get people out of harms way, I need you to go to your cell right now.” 

I ignore his orders as if they were never spoken, “what about the doctor and nurses?” I ask him but his sour expression gives me an answer before he speaks. 

“The nurses have gone home for the holidays and Dr. Berner barricaded himself in his office, people are there trying to get him to come out, I was just going to see the damage-” He inquires but stops the moment his eyes meet my once white socks dyed red with blood. 

“I don’t know, Levi was starting to clear it out, but many people are injured, maybe gravely,” I still can’t believe the words coming out of my mouth, Mike motions for me to follow him but I stop him, “Mike, if you could turn off the alarm and the sprinkler system, that would be a great help.” He nods strongly before running off in a different direction with his radio in hand. 

I go off back to the medical ward, several people sitting on the floor near the doctor's office, some of them banging on the door and yelling for help. Mike wasn’t lying when he said the doctor locked himself in, it’s a metal door, it would be hard to break through. The Coward. I want to join them in yelling at him and banging on the door but I know it won’t do any good, I have a job right now that I need to do. I don’t know how badly anyone back there is injured but I know I need to bring some supplies back. 

“Eren,” Connie come sliding into the room in his socks and nearly falls, I’m grateful to see he looks unharmed except the bruises and minor cuts on the side of his face, “Levi said to get him a clean pair of clothes, gloves, aprons, bandages and a wheelchair,” he looks at the door to the doctors office, “and the doc.” 

“The Doctor isn’t coming,” I open the medical cabinets and put whatever supplies I see into a washbasin, “we’re on our own.” Connie shakes his head in disgust, it appears it’s a truth he had already anticipated. There isn’t much in the medical cabinets, at least the ones we can open. Thankfully, Levi picked the right person to ask for help, Connie can pick a lock with just about anything in a matter of seconds. He rifles around for paper clips and begins to open the supply cabinets one by one. We take as much as we can carry back to the cafeteria as the alarm finally goes off. I sigh with relief. 

Levi and other-abled bodied people are moving people into the hallway just outside the cafeteria. It’s worse than I could have imagined. Burns, lacerations, fractures, breaks, embedded debris and as they bring out another person missing the lower half of their leg, amputations also makes the list. I turn away feeling as though I’m going I vomit. 

“Hang in there, Eren,” Connie sets his things aside and puts his arm around my shoulder to shield me from the scene, it seems he has a stronger stomach than me. He calls over Levi and fills him in on what’s happening with the doctor. Levi doesn’t look surprised in the slightest, but he’s thankful we’ve brought supplies back. He quickly changes out of his thoroughly soaked clothes into one of the spare set of scrubs we brought. I take notice of the intense bruising and swelling around his left ankle and calf. He can scarcely put any weight on it, I worry he’s going to injure himself further by taking on so much responsibility. 

“Eren,” Levi speaks to me, I feel like I’ve been hearing my name an awful lot today, “get Gunther if you can, he can help me with this and also get me a wash bin full ice from the medical ward as soon as you find him, it’s important that it’s clean and has a lid.” I nod and soon he’s shouting out orders to anyone else. For now, as bloody as things may be, he’s doing all he can do to get it under control with what he has. With bandages and gauze at his disposal, at least he can help prevent people from more losing blood. I run down the hall again, I have faith in him to handle this.


	19. The waiting game

“Gunther!” I scream soon as I see him, he’s staring at something out of a window with a lit cigarette hanging out of his mouth. He only turns to me for a second before turning back. I call his name again but he’s completely transfixed with a lifeless gaze. I’ve been running around the halls for at least twenty minutes looking for this guy and he won’t even give me a second glace. I get up close to the window to have a look. In the distance his eyes are on the church. On it’s side closest to the fence rises a great dark tower of smoke. 

“They got out,” he says as if he’s speaking to no one, “Berthold, Reiner, and a few others. Straight into the woods. All of this, just so they could escape. They must have thought it through,” the ashes fall from his cigarette to his fingers, he ignores it at it sears his flesh, “We’re down over a third of staff because of the holidays, I suppose they had a better chance of making it today more than others.” Those traitors. They must have had help from the outside, someone to get them the grenades so they could escape but they were careless enough to allow one of them to get into another’s hand and as a result, people are injured and dying. 

“Gunther,” I try to pull his attention away to the matter at hand, “people are badly injured, and Levi needs your help in the cafeteria,” he looks confused, could it be that he doesn’t know what’s happened, “a grenade went off there, at least a dozen people are hurt.” He takes one hard look outside, I get the feeling he was thinking of trying to make a break for it. I can’t blame him, he’s going to be here for the rest of his life, a chance like this will never come again. 

“Gunther?” I call to him once more, time is of the essence, “will you help him?” 

He groans and stamps his cigarette out on the windowsill with bitter resolve, “take me to him.” I think about what he said, I wonder if they will actually make it. I wonder if people getting injured by the loose grenade was part of their distraction strategy or if they were unplanned victims. Still, this act is beyond unforgivable. 

When we get back to the hall leading up to the cafeteria, it appears that they’ve succeeded in evacuating everyone to the hall. The door to the cafeteria has been sealed with tape and people are slowing making their way back to our unit. Like casualties’ war, they’re wearing blood-stained bandages and slings. They walk slowly past me, not even looking up. Levi isn’t anywhere to be seen. Connie passes me with a bin of ice, wheeling it away off to the corner near the cafeteria doors. I see him carefully set something into it and put the lid on before sealing it with tape. I put the back of my hand to my mouth, I didn’t see what it was, and I’m not sure I want to. 

“Now that Gunther is here, he can help with the guys going back to our unit,” Connie clears his throat, it seems that in all the chaos he has risen to take control of things, “I think we can manage here ok, could you take Jean to the medical ward, Eren? He’s getting worse by the minute.” Jean is sitting slouched against the wall, he looks pale as a ghost and he doesn’t look happy to hear that I’m going to be giving him a lift.

“I can walk there by myself,” Jean’s arms and legs shake as he brings himself to his feet while keeping all his weight on the wall, he clutches his ribs in pain and stumbles against the wall, it doesn’t look like he’s going anywhere. Thankfully, Hannes comes around the corner wheeling an office chair just in time. It’s covered in fresh cling wrap, probably one of Levi’s ideas. Jean reluctantly sits in the chair and lets me push him down the hall. He has several fragments of jagged metal and wood embedded in his legs and in his shoulder. It’s no wonder he couldn’t get more than a step in. 

“I never lost a fight, yunno,” Jean scratches his head and tries to play off how much pain he’s in. He pulls his fingers back only to see them with blood on the pads. His hands are trembling, likely from the adrenaline and blood loss, “this-this is nothing, really. Just another day in the office.” He’s not fooling anyone with this act, he’s clearly hurt, but if I pity him too much it will only further damage his pride. Normally, I wouldn’t care but this time is different. 

“Remind me to never visit you at work,” I say as I get him safely to Medical. There isn’t any yelling and its so quiet I’m expecting to find Dr. Berner assisting people but instead, I see Levi in a surgical mask and glasses standing over a bed with forceps and a needle. He’s putting sutures in Auruo’s forearm, without any anesthetic by the looks of it. Each time the crescent needle sinks into his skin he winces, but at Levi is good at what he does, and he leaves a trail of sutures stitches. There are still too many people in here, clutching their arms, legs, and stomachs but aside from people groaning in pain and the off-station radio buzzing in the corner, it’s quiet. I softly close the door. 

Levi looks up at me from his work and nods before looking backdown, he’s too focused to peel his eyes away much longer, “what’s his condition?” His resolution never ceases to amaze me. 

“I’m fine,” Jean clears his throat dryly and unconvincingly, “just a little beat up, nothing I can’t handle but fuck you Auruo, stupid crusty rat faced bastard. You can rot in hell.” He groans under his breath. Levi shakes his head disapprovingly at the two of them, I guess some things never change. 

“Well,” Levi knots off the final stitch and admires his work while he snaps off his gloves, “you should be fine, Auruo, not that you deserve it. Go help in our unit, everyone with minor injuries should be there now,” His eyes quickly switch from Auruo to two men sitting on a bed gripping their stomachs, he’s about to get another word in when the door to the medical ward bursts open, with Mike standing in its wake. He looks mortified, whatever news he has to share, it must be bad. 

“I just got off the phone with my higher-ups,” he closes the door and everyones eyes are on him, but he speaks only to Levi, “they won’t let anyone in or out of here for medical attention until the place has cleared by the bombs and weapons team, they’re flying them in now, maybe another four hours until they get here-“ all Levi can do is gawk in utter disbelief. Mike scratches his head and exclaims, “I did everything I could, they just won’t listen, they don’t care about us.” He means it, I can tell he is just as stressed as anyone one of us but right now the outlook is looking grim. 

Levi takes off his glasses and rubs the red marks on his nose, he’s trying to do everything he can to keep his calm over this, “did you tell them that I have a leg on ice and kid with burns over his entire body? They don’t have four hours,” he curses as his frustration looms, “I’m not a surgeon, I can’t do anything to help them, Mike.” The radio on Mike’s waist spouts something to the extent of more inmates are escaping. 

“I’m sorry Levi,” he takes a deep breath, “I’ll come back when I have better news.” And he leaves as quickly as he comes. Levi paces back and forth tirelessly as he tries to work out a solution for an endless list of problems. It looks like his brain is about to implode in his skull. 

“Let me help you, Levi,” I speak up and he stops pacing dead in his tracks, his maddened and desperate eyes meet mine, “tell me what you need me to do, I’m here for you,” I feel everyone’s eyes and ears on me, “we all are, you can’t do this alone.” It takes a moment, but a splash of relief passes over his face. He nods, then he nods again, and then he nods for a final time, “ok,” he clears his throat and takes something small out of his pocket. 

“It’s the key to the drug closet,” he holds it up to me and urges me to take it, “get a bottle of T3’s and pass them out to people in pain in our unit, to keep everyone happy. Not generously, I might add, since they don’t stock much of anything in this place... When you get back, I’ll show you how to clean out a wound and stop bleeding, so I can take care of some of these breaks.” He makes it sound like he’s going to teach me how to bake cookies, if only it was that simple. 

Handing out drugs is easy, everyone likes the dope man. But helping Levi clean wounds is harder than it sounds. When the grenade went off, most of the guys were far enough away that the blast didn’t hit them directly. But it kicked up a lot of metal and little chunks of cement which get easily lodged into skin and bone. It’s a lot of water, dirt, blood, and fussing. We work on three guys together before he lets me work on my own. It takes me the same amount of time that it takes Levi to stabilize two breaks as it does for me to clean out one wound on Jean's leg. But, with the amount of blood and insults pouring between the two of us, eventually, Levi has to intervene. 

“Jeeze,” Jean groans as Levi pulls a shard of metal out of his leg and I run a spray of water over it to clear Levi’s field of vision, “you guys are going-getting off on this, a-aren’t you? T-t-torturing a poor and injured soul, how sa-sick. “ Jeans been taking some morphine to make ripping pieces of metal out of his skin less painful but that combined with the blood loss, has him talking in circles. While Jean enjoys being high, Levi stresses over the possibility that Jean has one broken rib, a fracture in his arm and a piece of metal possibly embed in his tibia, without x-rays he can’t do much but keep an eye on his blood pressure to make sure he’s not bleeding internally. I can tell he was wishing he had seen Jean sooner, but Jean kept saying he was doing fine, but since then he’s lost a lot of blood. 

“Don’t flatter yourself, Kirstein,” Levi meticulously picks out rubble from the bleeding gash on his leg. He’s bleeding more than the others we handled, Levi can hardly get under the compress for a second complete another stitch without more blood coming out, it’s as if it refuses to clot. Levi puts all his weight into it to try to slow the bleeding but it does little. 

“It’s because you’ll-you like me still,” Jean’s speaking in loops and about his feelings, something is wrong, “both of you like me still. That’s why wer-you’re doing this, it’s good,” his licks his cracked purple lips, and takes some shallow breaths, “because I like you two to because you still a-and- you like me too still, r-right?” I look at Levi, even through his mask and his glasses I can tell he’s concerned. Jean is looking paler by the minute, he’s too beat up and he’s losing too much blood.

“Of course, we like you Jean,” Levi speaks clearly, he knows keeping Jean conscious is important in keeping him alive, “we like you a lot,” Levi leans harder on the leg wound, he keeps his cool better than I ever could, but I wouldn’t have expected any less from him, “that’s why we’re trying to save you. But, you’re going to have to stay with us so we can do that. Okay?”

I take Levi’s place and hold down the gauze while he works on bandaging the other wounds that have stopped bleeding for now. Levi had told me there are two people seriously injured in the private room in the back of the ward. He’s been refusing to tell me what’s going on back there in detail, and even when Connie or Marlo walk in and out of here, he’ll keep me out of it. I know he’s trying to protect me, but it’s easy for me to become more and more worried when Connie keeps coming out and whispering things to Levi that doesn’t sound good. 

Jean still isn’t doing any better, the big wound won’t stop bleeding. Plus, between the loss of blood and morphine, it keeps keeps him talking but not in a way that makes sense most of the time. But, Levi said that if he’s talking that’s good, I’ve given him some water and it seems to have helped a bit, but he’s still rattling on about some vacation in the tropics. I’m nervous when Marlow calls Levi over to the other room, leaving me alone out here. 

“Hmm,” Jean hums and looks at the neat stitches on his hand, at least he doesn’t look like he’s in much pain anymore, “Do you-ya think Marco is g-gonna lose his-uh leg? Cuz’ that would suck for all-a us.” Marco? That’s who’s in there? I feel my heart sink deep into my chest. But then again, I’ve been so kept in the dark and Jean is barely lucid, so I probably shouldn’t take his word for anything. 

“I d-didn’t see what-what happened, ya know, it all happened so-so quick. But,” he loosely taps on his temple as he tries to recall what happened, I take what he says with a grain of salt, “after the grenade fell off the t-table, Marco grabbed it and c-carried it away-away from us, I was like FUCK,” he shouts at the top of his lungs with such vigor that I jump, “he did that and when he started to came-come back it went off for no r-reason, and no leg. Gone! like L-Levi’s girlfriends and Levi is suuuper high,” he rambles on about how high Levi is, it’s amusing at least. I let him talk until he starts to tire himself out and his words become slow. 

“I think you’re the one who’s high, Jean,” I bring the water and straw to his mouth and he drinks without fighting me on it. 

Machines beyond the door beep wildly, and there’s a clamor of instruments and shouting. Nothing about that sounds good, I fear for the worst. I want to know what’s happening, but at the same time, I’m scared to look. I’m clearly not cut out for this. I turn my head away, as Levi shoots out of the room, and out of the medical ward like an arrow on fire. In the hall, I can hear him raising his voice to someone like I’ve never heard him do before. I didn’t think it was possible for someone to sound so terrifying yet terrified all at the same time. 

“Is he de-gone?” Jean’s eyes widen, and he tries to get up, for a moment his face is painted with the fear and vulnerability he’s been suppressing since he got here. I follow Levi’s orders to make he doesn’t move and I gently nudge him back down when he tries to sit up. He’s too weak to move much more anyway. Levi comes storming back in, but this time Mike is trailing behind him like a beat 224-pound dog. 

“He’s not going to make it another two hours, I can’t do anything for him here, don’t you understand? We can’t just play the waiting game with peoples lives! ” Levi speaks to him just outside of the room where the machines are beeping rapidly, “if the ambulances are outside they can do something, you could wheel him out there.” 

“I don’t think I could,” Mike’s turning green in the face, the prospect of dealing with casualties turns him off to the idea, “I couldn’t do it by myself even if I wanted to, it would be impossible with how the doors work in this place-“ he groans thinking about how much trouble everyone’s going to be in either way. But people’s lives are on the line and he has to make a decision, “I could let you do it with me, we take the two of them out.” 

“And him,” He points to Jean, who seems blissfully unaware of his own dire situation, “he’s lost a lot of blood. There are two others who have some abdominal bruising and decreasing blood pressure, that suggests internal injuries, I don’t have the equipment to know how bad, they can walk on their own for now. I need to get all of them out as soon as possible.” Levi makes a strong argument, if things keep continuing as they are, we’re at risk for losing people. It doesn’t leave Mike with a whole lot of options that he can live with. 

“Fine,” Mike picks ups his radio and holds it hesitantly in his hand for a moment before letting anyone listening that he’s taking inmate casualties out of the building with the help of inmates. Once he takes his finger off the receiver, he’s met with a flurry of yells and insults from another guard hiding still in the prison. He shuts it off and tells Levi to grab the injured inmates. 

Levi shuts me out of the room once more, he tells me it’s for my own good. When he comes out pushing the bed with Marco laying in it, I could see why. They had just tossed a clean sheet over him, all I can see is his head chewed up by bits of debris. Though he’s unconscious, his face is twisted with pain. On the shelf under the bed is the bus bin with ice and a secured lid. If he lost a leg, it must be in there in hopes of reattaching it. 

But what I hadn’t expected was the second bed. Another person as injured as the first, with a smaller figure and wrapped in a sheet. I take a step closer, to see who it is. The side of his face is covered in gauze as is the rest of his visible neck and shoulder on the same side. He reeks of burnt flesh and hair even this long after, and unfortunately for this poor soul, he’s awake. 

“Eren?” He whispers, through parched lips and dry lungs, he sounds relieved, “You’re ok.” It’s Armin, I could recognize that voice anywhere. I rush to his bedside, as Marlow slowly and calmly pushes him as not to disturb the dressings. My heart aches, it’s painful for me to see him like this. 

All I can do is offer him any hope I have left, “Don’t you worry about me, we’re going to get you out of here, people outside can help you,” They move ahead along with two other inmates hobbling on foot in need of care. Levi intends to bring me with him outside. He slides me the office chair and tells me to put Jean in it. They can’t spare another bed and at least Jean is well enough to be moved. Once again, he isn’t happy about being pushed by me.

When I was coming into this prison, it felt like there were a million unlockable doors. Each one sealing my fate inside this place, but upon leaving, I see how few obstacles stand between us and freedom. It’s a strange feeling when Mike holds open the final door out of the visiting lobby and into the parking lot in the front. I can hear a crowd of people clamoring for our attention past a police line. The lights from cop cars and ambulances and flashes from the press are blinding in the low sun of the late day. To look around without seeing any walls fills me a feeling I hadn’t realized had existed. What it feels like not to be caged anymore, it’s as terrifying as it is freeing, it is all too over whelming. But that feeling is short lived as the flurry of sound and movement hit me. 

“We need to get them in the ambulance,” Levi pushes Marco with the help of Connie, “Move your butt Eren.” I wheel Jean up to a pair of paramedics, when they ask me about his condition and name, I realize how little I know about what’s happening. I don’t know anything about Jean's condition other than he’s lost a lot of blood and is high as a kite. Thankfully, Levi is there to step in to tell them everything they need to know. 

Mike had instructed me not to talk to the press, but they’re everywhere. A news lady with a familiar face approaches me against the orders of the paramedics but they’re too overwhelmed with trying to talk to Levi and get Marco stabilized. They’re using words big words I’ve never heard, and I wonder what any of this means, but I want Marco and the others to make it back. 

“Are you an inmate?” She asks, pressing a fluff-covered microphone in my direction. 

I flick my head back to them, the dark lens of the television camera hones in on me like a sniper, “Yeah,” I say after I nod. You’d think it would be obviously seeing as I’m wearing an inmates uniform. 

“Is it true that the prison and the prison's chapel was the site of a terror attack or hate crime against worshippers?” She says firmly, for some reason I had expected it to be a joke, but she continues to stare at me with a straight face. I’ve been purposefully avoiding news media as much as I can since I’ve been in here, the ideas they come up with could drive you bonkers. 

“No, uh,” I wipe the sweat off my forehead, despite being out in without a jacket I’m burning up under the pressure, “Someone found a grenade and it accidentally went off in the cafeteria, at least one other went off in the chapel,” I look over my shoulder as an ambulance carrying Marco wizzes away in a fury of sound, “lots of people were injured, we’ve been treating them-“ 

“We have been,” Levi comes from somewhere behind me just as the final ambulance goes off, “since all the prison staff, except our tall friend C.O Zacharias, have been absent, we’ve been taking care of everyone's injuries the best we can. Things inside have since stabilized, there is no terrorist attack and no threat of a prison riot and I will personally see to it that things stay that way,” his eyes look off past the camera into the wooded hills just behind the chaos yearningly, I probably must look the same way. With freedom right there and prison being just behind us, I suppose it’s normal to think about fleeing into the woods no matter how futile that may be. 

Levi blinks away the images of freedom and clears his throat, “that’s all, things are going to be under control, no one is going to die today,” the newswoman asks a series of questions in rapid succession. Meanwhile, the others are heading backing and looking for us to join them, “we should get back.” Even though he says that his eyes and body remain still, I gently tug on the fabric on the back of his arm until he turns around and we go back inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess that's one way to break out of a prison?


	20. News

As we go back we know our work isn’t over, there are still people who need our help and it’s going to take time to see it through. Levi and I spend what feels like all night in the medical ward tending to wounds and cleaning up, it’s only when we’re just about done does Mike tell us the bomb squad is here and that we all need to go back to our unit, even the injured. 

The thing that’s interesting about the bomb squad is that they send in drones instead of people at first. It’s just like in the movies, they whip around like precise little hawks looking for prey. They must think it’s still too dangerous in here right now to bother to send their men and dogs in. I used to be very fond of dogs before I got here, now I’m starting to think I’ll leave as a cat person. I can hear them howling and barking outside like uncaged beasts ready to strike as they circle the building and surrounding forests, I speak as an attempt to drown them out. 

“I saw the way you were looking out into the woods,” I say to Levi once we’re alone in our cell, he’s eager to lay down after taking a shower and putting some clean clothes on, “you thought about making a break for it too?” 

He gets into bed with me and presses his head into my arm, “For a moment, I guess I had forgotten what a road looked like, it’s been a while since I’ve actually seen one. Its kind of weird, the things you miss,” he changes the subject, talking about freedom isn’t a hot topic with anyone in here, “Speaking of which, did you hear about the chapel? It’s burned down to the ground. I suppose it just matches sticks compare to the rest of this brick place. It was one of the few nice places we had in here, I wonder why someone would burn it.” That’s true for sure, religious or not it was a really nice place and holds a lot of good memories. We’d spend hours just sitting by the window talking, and sometimes not talking. We had been cooped up and kept busy in the medical ward for so long that what happened had never got to him. I suppose it’s only fair that I tell him. He takes one of his painkillers that he siphoned from the drug closet and groans, I rub his shoulder to try to unwind him. 

“Gunther told me it was Bertl and Reiner, they blew a hole with other grenades and made a break for it,” I become sour just thinking about it, “he said maybe a few others left but not who. I wonder how far they made it,” I allow my voice to trail off, I don’t feel like there is much to say in the matter since that’s all I know. 

Levi is silent for a while, I wonder if it’s because he’s too tired to care, or for perhaps some other reason, “Think they made international news? Inmates on the loose, and murders at that,” he entertains his own thoughts, “seems very sensational if you ask me.” 

“I think you’re getting too into the idea,” I pull his shirt of his shoulder and gently kneed his muscles, but something about what he said did catch my interest like a hook in a fish’s mouth, “is that true about them being murders? I didn’t think anyone knew what Bert and Reiner did to get in here. They don’t, or they can’t rather, speak to anyone and no one seems interested in them.” 

“I befriended Reiner when he first came in, around 3 years ago,” he yawns and groans pleasurably, “he speaks English just fine when I asked him what he did, he just said it was murder and a few counts at that, all pretty nonchalantly. He didn’t get into the details or nothin’, just that it was business related, my best guess is Mafia business. And Bert, he was working with some sort of human trafficking ring, he got arrested after this big shootout. It was on the news, he was arrested with-“ his eyes flick open and he looks as he said something he wasn't supposed to. He closes his mouth and swallows dryly.

“With who?” I ask him, all he can seem to do is look conflicted and rub his forehead.

“You can never tell anyone,” he sits up on the bed, so all I can see is the back of his head, he reaches down and rubs his calf. I agree with it, but still he’s silent as he tries to figure out the best way to word whatever he is about to say, “I only know from the news, I used to read the paper every day, there was this big human trafficking ring, they brought in mostly kids and women, for what you could guess. Cops went in, there was a shootout, two dead cops, two dead traffickers, a dead woman and four dead kids. They arrested about twelve or so people in connection,” he pulls off his sock and winces. I look down to see the damage, his whole ankle is swollen, nearly twice the size it should be, with large portions just above the heel up his calf turning a dark wine red, he must have sprained it during the accident and ignored it or didn’t feel it until now. Either way, it looks bad, I doubt that painkiller does little to help. 

“They arrested Bert, ten other adults and one minor, 17,” he gets a tensor wrap from under the bed and wraps it up to keep the swelling down, as if it’s nothing, “the minor,” he clears his throat, “that was charged as an adult and sentenced to life was Armin.” What? I shake my head, that can’t be possible, Armin seems like just a kid, I look at the picture he drew for me hanging proudly on the wall, he’s not capable of doing such a thing… Is he? He’s so small and fragile looking, it frightens me to think he would take part in something like that. 

“That’s the reason why I don’t like him, it doesn’t really have much to do with Gunther,” he gets back into bed with a troubled expression, “I try to find sympathy for him, he was a victim of trafficking himself after all, but also a preparator. Maybe that’s why I’ve never told anyone, I don’t need to give people another reason to treat him worse than they already do.”

Knowing this damaging information, I pull my bottom lip into my mouth, it must have felt like a burden on him. Over the previous months, I had built something similar to fondness towards Armin. Once he started to come out of his shell, he really became a pleasant guy to be around, a guy who cares about his friends and follows his own passions to become great at what he does. But now, I don’t know how to feel. It’s funny that murders, thieves, and gangbangers, once they’re in here, gang a stronger sense of justice towards those with sex-related offenses. I’m no exception to this rule, my stomach churns knowing I’ve been nice to someone with a crime like that. 

“Don’t let it get to you,” he says with his voice muffled by the blanket I crocheted for him, “let’s try to get some rest in before we’re woken up to Nile ripping apart our cell again.” It’s easier said than done, but I give it a try and fall asleep the instant I close my eyes. I must have been completely unaware of how tired I really was. I suppose that’s the effect a day like this has on the body. But still, I worry about Levi and his injury, even if he always plays down how much pain he’s in. 

My stomach wakes me up shortly before 5:00 am, I’m starving after having not eaten anything since lunch yesterday. Levi is still sleeping, it’s a rare sight. His slightly drawn lips and long dark eyelashes are surely a sight for sore eyes. I kiss him to pull him from his sleep, he groans and grovels about there not being enough hours in the night. It seems that if the bomb squad and their trusty canine companions are outside, that we had succeeded in sleeping through it. Upon further notice, I see a blank sheet of white paper taped to the outside window on our door. Maybe someone put it there so we wouldn’t get searched. 

Mike comes to take us and a few the showers as if nothing had happened. He looks at me sympathetically before telling me to move along. I wonder if maybe I had dreamed the whole thing. A bomb in a prison? Something like that could never happen. But when I see wheelbarrows full of rubble and debris being carted from down the hall by a man who I’ve never seen wearing a strange uniform, it comes back to me. The cruel realities of this small and secluded world. 

With no cafeteria, prisoners still on the loose and people outside the prison working on getting this place back in order, we’re stuck in our unit for the foreseeable future. Everyone’s huddled around the old television mounted to the wall. They’ve been talking about our prison and running that short interview Levi and I had with the reporter the whole day on the local and national news, and it seems like everyone’s basking in our fifteen minutes of fame. The other inmates praise Levi and the rest of us every second they get. They shower him in compliments, hugs, well wishes and commissary snacks. It feels good for a while but soon it becomes tiresome and with the falsehoods and flashy news headers, it loses its appeal. 

We’re comfortable spending the day in our cell, napping, reading books and being quiet when Connie comes skidding into our cell, “Jean is on the news!” He shouts with excited eyes. Finally, some information I might actually care about. The three of us go back to join the others around the television. 

_”Most of us managed to get away from the grenade. Marco, my friend, saved us by moving it away from the group,”_ he says from his hospital bed, he’s all bandaged up and looking better than he looked before, but it’s hard not to notice the cuffs binding him to the bed frame, and the guard standing just in view, _“but it hit the wall and part of the old serving line and the metal just got everywhere. Some of the guys got blown over and the rest of us got shrapnel. It was terrible, but I made it thanks to the help of other inmates and C.O. Zacharias. I wanted to personally thank Connie, Marlow, Levi, Gunter, and Eren for their efforts in managing the situation inside. If it wasn’t for them, people would have died, and a riot could have broken out. They saved the prison a couple lawsuits, that’s for sure,”_ Just hearing Jean talk on the national makes everyone rowdy. Levi has to tell everyone to quiet, so we can hear the rest of the report. 

The male news reporter draws the microphone back to himself with a sympathetic look into the Camera, _”A very harrowing story, thank you for speaking to us, Mr. Kirstein, now back Mina Carolina in the newsroom.”_

 _”Thank you, Tom,_ ” her demeanor changes as her conversation with the viewers becomes more grave., _“Since we talked last, two of the four escapees have been caught. Authorities are still on the hunt for two inmates wanted in connection to the prison break,”_ mug shots of Reiner and Bertholdt take over the screen, their stern but young faces stare idly back at me with familiar soulless eyes, _“They are considered to be armed and dangerous, and under no circumstances should they be approached. Since the break, dozens of inmates have been injured and one is confirmed dead in hospital, if you have more information that may be useful please contact the number at the bottom of the screen. Now, back to Ian at the winter games-”_

The room goes silent as the television continues to talk to its self. Someone died? The room sizzles with unfounded rumors and speculations. This seems to be the first time anyone has heard of it, even to Connie who seems to know everything. He looks like his heart broken in two.

I hope its Armin, not Marco. 

It’s not a thought I wanted to have, it just happened on its own, concocted in my own mind out of what Levi told me last night. I excuse myself from the group and go back to our cell, I don’t want to have thoughts like that, especially around others. I want to go lie down and try to relax even if it feels impossible right now. But to my surprise, Levi is in the cell, I didn’t even see him leave. He’s up in his bunk. 

“Do you have that key I gave you the other day for the drug closet?” He asks, seemingly out of nowhere, it takes me a moment to realize what he’s talking about. I had forgotten about it, it’s still in my pocket from then, I pull it out and hold it up to him, “Ok, good,” he takes it and puts it in his own pocket, “I’ll return it to Mike when I get the chance so you won’t get into trouble.” That sounds like a good idea, I’m sure getting caught with this thing is a one-way ticket to max or the tombs at least. 

“Is it bad that I want Armin to be dead, instead of Marco?” I ask him, “even though I was better friends with Armin?” Levi frowns, and his brows crunch up. 

“I think you’re asking yourself and not me,” he replies, he’s probably right, “I just don’t want to think about people dying at the moment, if that’s okay. “I flop down on the bed, in agreement. I thought hearing Jean on the news would be a good thing, but I was wrong. I don’t like bad news, I don’t like it one bit. 

Later, I thought that maybe Levi would walk to talk about it, but he wants to avoid the subject and people like the plague. I understand he needs some time apart from everyone to recover after all of that. We all need a break from the madness that comes with this place, but privacy isn’t a luxury we have. 

It takes almost a week of us being kept locked up in our unit before they’ve cleaned up the prison enough to declare it safe and to give us our outside rec time back. Things around here have changed, there is a new doctor, new correctional officers, new cameras and bomb-sniffing dogs. The talk is that they’re rebuilding the damaged section of the prison to be bomb-resistant to prevent future breaks. Security has been their priority but all I want to do is to get away from everyone and get some much-needed fresh air. 

The first place I go is back to the chapel, it was where Marco spent a lot of time as a devoted member of the church, he never went anywhere without a bible in hand. We never really hit it off as friends, but we always got along just fine. He was an interesting guy, not the sort you’d expect to find in a place like this. He wasn’t a hardened criminal, he was just a man. A man who was supposed to get out the next day, it’s not fair that he died saving others. Bravery should be rewarded, not punished. I stand near the cordoned off pit that was the chapel, I touch charred wood and stone, I know in my heart that he’s gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was gunna make who died a cliff hanger to be mean but i changed it last min bc ima be mean in otherways :3c


	21. Through sickness and in health

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes uuhhHHHHHHH????

Two weeks past the accident and Levi has spent all morning with his head in the toilet bowl vomiting. He was doing just fine the last week, and even the day before, it wouldn’t be a stretch at all to say he was in an elevated mood some of the time. But now, he’s shaking like a leaf and soaking wet with sweat, it could be the flu, an infection or food poising, but it hasn’t seemed to affect anyone but him. Like his own sudden, and personal sickness. 

He throws up until there isn’t anything left in his stomach but corrosive gastric juices. It’s a sad sight, I help him to his feet so he can get back to the bed. His ankle has been bothering him so much he hasn’t been back to work or anywhere really since the explosion, and he hasn’t been eating well the last few days, and maybe it’s just in my mind, but he feels lighter, “Let’s take you to the medical ward today, ok?” I suggest, but it’s more of an order. He would have done the same for me if I was this level of sick out of the blue. 

“I’m fine,” he stares at his desk without blinking until his eyes become red and watery, he rubs his neck, he probably threw it out vomiting so hard, “I just need to get some more rest, you should go to work. I heard Jean is coming back today, make sure you kick him in the shins for me for giving us such a scare, alright?” He coughs dryly, his eyes are bloodshot and he looks like complete shit, to say the least. I can’t argue with him, he’s not feeling well and I can’t exactly force him to go to see the doctor if he won’t go on his own. He’s a grown adult, I’d like to think that he would put his health in front of his pride at least. I fight my own resolve and leave him to his 

Work goes by as usual, and after, just as Levi had heard, Jean comes back. I can’t say that I’ve ever been so happy to see Jean and to see him walking on his own at that. I throw myself at him, probably a little harder than I should have, but it only takes him a moment to return the hug. He looks glad to see me and the others, but also sad. I was so worried about him this whole time, he was in the hospital for longer than I would have thought, and after Marco, I feared the worst. They were close friends, it probably ripped his heart out to hear he’s gone. To make matters worse, he was at the hospital without friends to support him. 

He looks around as if he wants to see someone who isn’t there, he looks disappointed when he comes up empty, he’s probably looking for Levi, “He’s in our cell,” I say to him, “he’s not feeling well, flu or something.” He’s still set on seeing him anyway, in spite of everyone asking him to tell them about his vacation out of this place. Jean would rarely pass up an opportunity to be at the center of attention, he must really want to catch up with Levi. 

Back in the cell, Levi looks fine again, he’s even eating a bag of chips. He smiles bitter sweetly when he sees Jean, they probably want to catch up and I think it’s probably best to give them a bit of space, so I step out and look over the rail at the guys playing cards below. It starts with a few harsh words from inside out cell. I can’t make out what they’re saying, but as a few minutes go by it erupts in the two of them raising their voices and tempers at each other. Without warning, Jean storms out of the cell, cursing and groaning as he heads back to his own where he slams his cell door.

I have no idea what could have happened to get them that heated in only a matter of minutes, “What was that about?” I question Levi, who’s sitting on the bed with his head in his hands. He looks up at me blankly, he looks as though he wants to tell me something that he knows he can’t say. It’s the same look he had when he was talking about Armin and Bertholdt. He rubs his eyes and groans, “Could you just leave? I don’t want to talk to anyone.” I’m taken aback. What’s gotten into him? 

“You’ve been acting weird all week, if something is wrong, please talk to me,” I express my concern despairingly, he’s not being honest with me, and this whole week he’s felt more and more distant and like he wasn’t exactly himself in a way I can’t put my finger on. Seeing as I’m not going to leave anytime soon, he lays back in the bed with his eyes wide open. He looks like a corpse, all of this is getting to me. 

“I told you,” he mutters, “I’m fine, unless you want something, you should just go, I have a massive headache, I don’t feel like talking,” his toneless voice hits me like a rock to the throat, when his eyes jet towards mine, he adds insult to injury, “right now, you’re as annoying as Jean.” What did I possibly do to deserve this? 

“D-did I do something?” I ask, I can feel my voice threatening to break, my heart drops into my stomach. He’s always been honest about everything and anything, I don’t know what I did to him, but I’ll apologize for whatever it is. He stares blankly at the bottom of the top bunk, it doesn’t seem like he has an answer for me. He opens his mouth dryly as if he’s about to respond but he goes quiet and sighs instead before covering himself in the blankets. I turn around and leave without him giving me so much as a second look. 

What did I do, what did I possibly do? Is he upset about the accident and taking it out on me? That’s not like him, I rub my eyes furiously to try to understand but I only come up hurt. I feel like I’m about to cry, I try to distract myself by watching the others but soon it becomes pointless. Petra see’s me first and pulls me into the office where I erupt into inconsolable tears the instant the door closes. She looks alarmed and at a loss as to what to do, she awkwardly puts her arm over my shoulder and pats me. I want to be angry at him, I want to yell at him and demand he tells me what I did to make him angry with me but all I can do is sob into Petra’s shoulder. I used to always be the one that was angry, that’s why I was so good at pushing people away, but Levi, when he does something little like this, it just makes me so upset that I lose all control.

He’s sick and I suppose he has every right to be in a bad mood, but it feels personal. Another two weeks go by. He spends all day in the cell, even skipping meals, lying his way out of showers, and leaving garbage thrown around the cell. He’s kind and affectionate like he used to be sometimes but other times he’s like a fuse just waiting to be set off. It’s like running through a minefield, I never know what to expect from him. I try to comfort him when I can, but it’s putting a strain on our relationship and others are starting to notice he’s not acting like himself, Nile has taken a great interesting in his strange mood swings. I see him hovering more than usual around Levi.

He’s unusually sick again one night and well into the morning, with sweating, vomiting, fever, shortness of breath and the chills. He’s a mess and to make things worse he starts blaming me for it. Everything was fine last month, how did he get so out of control? He’s trying to get me to leave him alone again, but I refuse to go. He’s clearly ill but he won’t take an ounce of my help. He continues to shove me weakly and yells at me to leave, he’s been awake all night and doesn’t have the fight in him to do anything about me. He gives me one final shove before something falls out of his pocket and clinks metallically on the floor. It’s the key to the medicine closet. I thought he was going to give it back weeks ago, why on earth does he still have it? His eyes widen as large as dinner plates.

He races to pick it up, but before he can I dive for it and put it behind my back, “Give it back, Eren, this isn’t funny,” he fights me for it like Sméagol trying to get back his precious ring, why does he care about it so much? Having this can get him in deep shit with all the right people to take him to max for the rest of his life. I let him back me into the corner allowing him to cover me with weak strikes as I demand he tells me what’s been going on. 

“Do you really want to know? Huh?” he hisses with frustration, his eyes narrow into a glare like nothing I’ve ever seen from him. It’s the look in his eyes that pierce my core, the same look my uncle had when he would beat me. For a split second, I fear he would try to hurt me but he quickly backs down. 

“T-Tell me and I’ll give you your stupid key back,” I demand as strong as I can, he doesn’t need much time to weigh his options. He presses his fingers into his temples. 

He groans shamefully, and turns away from me with a deep sigh, “oxy,” I have no idea what he’s talking about, “I need the key to get oxy, I don’t have enough for the rest of the week, I didn’t have any since yesterday at lunch, I’m dope sick. I just need to make _this_ ,” his trembling hands cross over his entire body, “stop.” 

I hold the key out to him and he slowly takes it from me. He’s an addict? That’s what he didn’t want to tell me? Why would he do something like this? He never had a problem before, not that he’s mentioned to me at least. This all seems so sudden, but I guess that’s how things like this work.

“It’s for my ankle, at least that’s how it started,” he crouches down under the desk, and pulls out a piece of folded paper with small white pills inside, he shakes it, there is only two left, “I was on auto-piolet the instant that grenade went off, I just needed the pain to stop so I could work. I don’t remember anything except seeing those fucking pills. I was clean for 2 years, and it just took was Dr. Berner sliding that key under his office door to ruin all that.” 

He takes one out and crushes it on a plate with the butt of a marker until its fine dust. I expect him to snort it but instead, he tears a tiny piece of toilet paper and carefully puts the powder on it before licking and twisting the top and swallowing it whole. As someone who can hardly manage to swallow capsules without gagging, it makes me gulp nervously. The natural smoothness of his actions tells me he’s done this before, countless times. 

“I didn’t want to tell you about that part of me,” he keeps his head down, and scratches the back of his neck, just taking the medicine makes him a little calmer, “you look up to me so much, and,” his voice is filled with pain and shame, “That’s why I’d kick you out, I don’t want you to see me like this,” he scoffs at his own actions, but I sense it goes deeper then actions into his core being, “I don’t mean to hurt you. I’m sorry, Eren.” 

“Levi,” my voice trails off, here I thought he was doing this to punish me for something, and as glad as I am to know that it’s not the case it hurts me to see him do this to himself. I feel terrible knowing I allowed him to get this bad, that I had no idea this whole time. He was acting strange, but we all are, we just went through something terrible. I worry that it’s not that he’s embarrassed or ashamed but that he doesn’t trust me enough to tell me what’s really going on,“I had no idea, I wish you had told me sooner, I wouldn’t have thought any less of you. Maybe-maybe there was something I could have done.” 

“I don’t think there is anything you could have done, it’s the bad memories, guilt, and pain that haunt me,” he hides the remaining pill, and sits on the floor near my feet, “I’m just some junkie who never learned how to cope with anything”. Part of me wants to take his remaining pill and flush it down the toilet and the other half wants to take the key and break into the medicine closet for him. It hurts to see him suffer like this and to not be able to do anything about it. 

“I used to drink all the time when I was a kid,” he speaks quietly and honestly, “cheap wine mostly, then weed, benzos, speed, and finally oxy and Percocet when I got into the military. They handed out like candy in the military, everyone was messed up on it just to work and get through the day. I got Erwin to give it to me in here off and on, I used to live on this shit, now, soon as I take it once it’s like I’m back to square one,” he laughs darkly and wipes his nose with a scoff, “I wish I could be fine with a vice like you have, crocheting and video games, if only.” 

“I wan- I need you to be more honest with me, Levi,” I crouch down on the ground and take his hands in mine, I need him to know how I feel, I need to communicate that I will do anything for him to get him back on the right track, “I love you a lot, and I want to help you. Let me help you in whatever way you need, please count on me more to be there for you.” His brows raise, and his eyes widen with surprise. 

“You know,” his face lets up into a slight grin that offset by his lifeless skin and red eyes, “It feels like you’re proposing to me.” 

“Do you want me to?” I say, and I mean it from the bottom of my heart, and it’s made him completely speechless, I can hardly believe what I’m saying myself, but that doesn’t make it any less true, “I need you, you mean the world to me, I want you to trust me because I didn’t go to hell and back with you just to lose you to addiction” I push his sweat-soaked hair out of his face and behind his ears, to see his beautiful face that no matter how many times I see it, I never grow tired of it, “I love you do bits and if it’s ok, I want to spend the rest of my life with you, Levi Ackerman.” 

His face flushes pink and he instantly shoves his face into his hands, his fingers muffle his words, it would be cute if the situation wasn’t so dire, “you’re just saying that stuff so I’ll stop getting high, aren’t you? Other people have tried that on me, it never works.”

“I mean it,” I wrap my arms around him, “in sickness and in health all that shit, we’ll get through this together.” He remains silent for a while, just holding his face in his hands until he accepts it with a nod. He’s a tough guy, and not one to cry over just anything but now I can feel his hot tears hitting my neck.


	22. Body

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> CW: dub-con

I get him to eat and drink with me at dinner, after taking his drugs and crying about it for a bit last, I can tell he feels better. But one question still stands, where is he going to get his next score? He promised me that he’ll take it easy and lessen the dosage like they do in outside rehab to wean himself off it but we need to get more drugs to do that. Going to the doc and coming forward would be akin to suicide, since this prison’s drug treatment is more or less throwing you in the tombs until your body cleanses itself. Levi describes it as passing out in a pile of your own sweat and vomit every night while guards laugh at you, nothing he would wish on his worse enemy. 

“Nile said he could get oxy for me, turns out he has a prescription because of an old gunshot wound in his shoulder,” Levi shovels the little bit of food remaining on his tray around in circles until it becomes unrecognizable sludge, “but he wants me to sleep with him for it. He probably wouldn’t last long, and I’d ideally be super stoned for it, so it would be that bad at least.” It sounds like he’s actually considering this as a valid option, I know how much he despises the ma. If this is the only way he can get better he must be suffering more than I could imagine, “otherwise,” he clears his throat, “I know they’re on to me in the medical ward since I emptied them out last week twice they haven’t go anything new and I heard they’re planning on changing the locks and calling a shakedown. All that’s left is I could try to buy whatever opiate I can find, probably heroin or methadone some guy in Green unit still deals that shit, it’s just that it could take time, time is not something I have right now. I needed to score yesterday.”

It’s a hard situation. I don’t have anything helpful to say to him, but I want him to get better, preferably fast. It’s all he can think about, and he’s starting to get moody again as the effect of his last hit are becoming less and less, “I’m going to go find Nile,” he makes up his mind, “he said its in his car, I want to see if I can work something out with the bastard today.” I hate the thought of Levi with someone else, even if it's out of necessity. I know it won’t mean anything and that he’ll probably hate it too, but that just makes it all the worse. I don’t want to see him suffer more than he already is. When he leaves, I want him to come back to me, to tell me he’s found another way, but that’s not what happens. All he tells me is that Nile is coming back tonight. 

I try to put it out of my mind all day, but at night it’s become impossible not to think about it. I don’t know when he’s coming or what to expect, they’re not going to do it here, right? This is stressing me out, I don’t want Levi to get hurt by him, but he also made this decision for himself. He said that he plans on being strung out for all of it and that it shouldn’t be that bad. It’s not easy for him, Nile is basically his arch nemesis, but for what it’s worth I can respect his decision, but that doesn’t mean I like or approve of it. 

The door to our cell opens shortly before midnight, and a dark figure steps in. Levi is sleeping, but I’ve remained awake all this time, my eyes meet with Nile’s. His eyes look like sinkholes in the cover of night, and worst of all, he’s grinning. A moment of panic sends a shiver up my spine, I hope this wouldn’t happen. I nudge Levi awake, I have a bad feeling about all of this. He looks unimpressed to see him first thing when he opens his eyes, “Show me your shit,” Levi swings his feet out of bed just in time to catch a prescription bottle with the label stripped, it’s filled to the brim with those little white pills he loves so much. Levi quickly unscrews the top and throws one in his mouth, grinding it with his molars. I wonder how long that container will last him, considering how he burns through that stuff like candy. A week? Maybe less? It must taste terrible chewing them up like that, but it’s probably the only way he can know if it’s real for sure. He throws back a mouthful of water from the table and swallows another one, it seems to be to his liking. He tells me to go up to the top bunk and cover my head, not that it’s going to do much. 

“Why don’t you stay a bit, Eren?” Nile pulls off his tactical belt and bulletproof vest, with the way he’s dropping all his gear, it would make him vulnerable to attack, not that I’d attack him unless I’m forced too, but he’s making that hard for me. Every second he’s in here my temper builds like a volcano ready to burst, “Let’s have a bit of fun, we can take turns with him, I’m sure I have something I could offer you in return.” Like hell that’s going to happen. He extends his filthy hands towards me as I climb the bunk, and Levi grabs his wrist and forcefully redirects it away from me. As if there is anything from him I could want that badly. 

“Not part of the deal,” Levi scowls, this is probably going to be harder for him than he had anticipated. Nile is persistent, and he knows Levi has no power in here. Levi forces himself between me and Nile. He lets go of the Niles wrist and puts his heated bedroom voice on knowing that’s what it will take to get Nile’s attention back on him, “you wanted to fuck me, remember? Don’t tell me you’re getting nervous and can’t get it up. ”I hate hearing him give in like that, it’s nauseating, but this is only the beginning. I get into bed and cautiously cover my head to drown out sights or sounds. I can’t bear it. 

“I suppose you’ll do, old man,” he sighs, he seems unsatisfied, but he’s foolish to think Levi would let him lay so much as a finger on me. Levi is undressing as Nile slowly puts his weight on the bunk, the whole thing shifts, and squeaks to bear the extra pounds, “you seemed to do it for Erwin, a guy with strange tastes like that,” he speaks in a low condescending tone, drawing out his words to add insult to injury, “he must have made you work really hard for your dope. He said you like it real rough, and from behind, which means you’re in luck today, Lance Corporal.” The thin pillow does little to drown out much of anything, I can hear them kissing and undressing. For someone who hates Levi’s guts for ending his cushy military career, Nile really seems to enjoy swapping spit with him and trying to get him off with his fingers.

“Suck my dick, you piece of shit,” its Levi this time uttering the commands and it sounds like Niles following through with it. I can hear Levi’s heavy breathing and Niles groans as he take’s Levi into his throat. I twist under the sheets, but nothing will cut out the sound. 

I try not to overthink it when Nile comments how erect Levi’s become, I know how much Levi despises him, it has to be a natural reaction to the stimulation, right? When they start screwing the bedframe is squeaky, so Nile takes Levi of the bunk and fucks him into the concrete floor below, so others outside and around can’t hear. I can tell by their grunts and the loud slaps of skin-on-skin that Nile’s being extra rough with him. The whole room is filled with the smells and sounds of sex, I can’t escape it. And Levi, he’s moaning more unrestrained than he’s ever done with me, don’t tell me- 

“You must be a real whore if you can come without your dick being touched,” Nile penetrates him particularly hard, Levi yelps, I can’t tell if he’s in pleasure or in pain, it’s all blurring together, “I bet you can come too without even being hard, that’s probably why your so loose. You have an ass like a whore,” Levi was wrong about one thing and that’s thinking that Nile wasn’t going to last long. It feels like he’s been in here for an eternity, he has porn star level stamina. Morbid curiosity is getting the better of me, I peer over the side of the bed. I instantly wish I hadn’t. 

Levi is trying to stay up on his knees while Nile does him roughly from behind. Levi pants and begs for it harder, and when Nile complies Levi’s whole body shakes with pleasure. It’s as if he can hardly contain himself as Nile’s massive cock rams him repeatedly in the ass like a freight train, stretching his hole to the max. I can’t stand to look another second, I pull all the sheets over my head and hope that maybe I’ll suffocate and die before Levi get’s another chance to look me in the eye. My eyes grow wet as I try to focus on anything else but what’s going on below. It’s painful to hear, I can’t stand it. I black it out, allowing Nile’s time here to pass. 

Levi sniffles and pokes at my exposed feet, “you awake?” he quietly calls to me in a croak, his voice is nearly gone. When I lift my head, it appears It’s now just us. He smiles at me weakly, I look away from him and press my face back into the pillow, wishing that I’d just never woken up. I can’t face him, not after what I saw, not after what I heard. He was really into it the whole time, I don’t want to hear his excuses. Maybe I’m just being selfish, but it feels like he cheated on me and I wasn’t man enough to do anything about it, I just let it happen in my own bed. He keeps poking at me until I lift my head again.

“Can you come back to bed?” he asks quietly as if he’s worried someone might overhear him, his voice is pained, “I need you to come back.” I sigh, I suppose I should, but I’m hesitant to crawl down the bunk. The floor is wet with partially evaporated water, knowing him, he must have washed it. His knees and elbows are bruised from bearing his weight and Nile’s on the floor, and the back of his neck is layered in bites and bruises. His whole body must hurt, but it could be he’s still too high to feel it. 

“Eren,” his shaking hands reach out to touch me, his eyes are red and swollen, it looks as though he’s been crying, “Let’s have sex, alright? Let me borrow you again, just like before, ok? You can be rough if you want, anything, I need you,” He asks with nervously folded arms and a quivering voice, I don’t know what he expects me to say, I move just out of his reach, his hand retracts, “it will make me feel better about all of this.” 

“It seemed like you were feeling pretty good earlier with him,” I drop on the bed below and cover my face, it came out harsher than I planned. The way he’s acting, it’s like I don’t even know him. This is person Erwin knows, he’s not the person I know, I try to sympathize with him but that’s since dried up. Right now, it feels like I would just be picking up another mans sloppy seconds for the second time. I just want to go to bed and forget about this. 

“I didn’t want it to feel good, it just happened, I didn’t want him, it’s my body that did, the drugs sometimes they-” tears well up in his eyes and run down his face, I’m the one who’s supposed to cry not him. His fists bang against my chest as his once delicate face is warped with intense emotion, I don’t move or try to shield myself, I just take it, “I feel disgusting, Eren, you’re the only person who can make this stop! Make it stop!” he begs desperately sending his fists weakly into my chest, as he tries to hold back the torrent of tears he needs to wash away his shame. 

I was wrong to assume all this time that Levi was inhumanly strong, I thought he could handle everything like it was nothing. He never goes back on his own decisions and he’s smart and cool-headed, but in reality, it’s those decisions that eat him up inside with blood-soaked regret and self-loathing. I take a deep controlled breath, having sex with him wouldn’t help, it’s not what either of us needs right now. He needs me to be there for him, I didn’t just (sort of) propose to him. I care about him too much just to go back on it so quickly. I don’t know why he seemed to enjoy sex with Nile so much, and I suppose it’s not important. What matters now is we’re both committed to getting him clean, and so this will never happen again. 

I let him pound on my chest until he becomes weak and tired, the moment that happens I wrap my arms around him and I let him cry into my shoulder like he’s done for me countless times by now. He doesn’t hold back, he keeps sobbing until his tears dry up and ribs ache. I’m not sure where his rock bottom is, but it feels like we’ve just about hit it, the only place to go now is up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sad reacts only ;~;


	23. They say love is pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> but I think that’s BS

Levi mindlessly stirs around his yogurt at breakfast. He’s been deep in thought, high but deep in thought. I bite the bruised flesh out of an apple, he hasn’t spoken much to me and I haven’t said much to him either. I haven’t figured out what to say, it’s hard. Harder than anything I’ve ever been through and I despite how much I love him, I don’t know if I want anything to do with him while he’s like this. 

It feels like my whole life I’ve just pushed aside my own physical and emotional wellbeing for others. And as a result, I allow myself to be hurt and keep it all inside and when it becomes too much I just explode. It happened with Mikasa and my uncle and now it’s happening again. Being abused for so long makes you not think of yourself, you want to please everyone but you’re the one who gets hurt the most in the end. What happened last night hurt Levi, but it hurt me too, and if I want this relationship to work I need to stop making excuses for him and I need him to give a fuck about how this situation affects me. 

“Levi,” I speak slowly, not looking up for him. The feelings that I suppressed last night seep into my voice, “I need you to promise me that neither of us will ever have to go through this again because I don’t know how much more of this I can handle until-“until what? I leave him? It’s painful to think about that as a possibility, “this hurts me a lot. When you were with Nile, I just feel like I don’t even know you. I feel like I don’t mean anything to you anymore.” He stays silent, but I can feel his eyes on me. He slowly realizes the air pent up in his chest.

“You mean the world to me, Eren. You’re right, what I did was stupid and impulsive, I was just thinking about my pain and not yours. I’m going to fix it, the right way this time,” his hand slides through his hair, it comes as a great relief me to hear him speak, the tense atmosphere was starting to get to me, “I’m going to get into the hospital, they need to re-set my ankle and the pins, but they’ll have to clear my blood of this stuff first. At least, I know I’ll be in capable hands there because I’m never going to get off it just on pure willpower here. Even my stupid junky brain knows that by now.” 

“Are you sure?” I stammer, this is a big thing and I have no doubt this is going to be hard on him, but I want to make sure it’s for the better, not just a quick fix. 

He looks up slowly and nods strongly, but as fearful as he looks, he’s sure of it this time, “If you weren’t here Nile would have just become another Erwin to me. I can’t believe it took him hate-fucking me in front of you for me to be able to realize that,” he pushes the yogurt away with disgust, “I want to get clean, not for myself but for you and I know this is the best way, even if it terrifies me,” he tries to steady his voice with little success, his fear bubbles through the cracks in his voice, “because what terrifies me more is that this addiction will ruin the one good thing I have right now, which is you,” his hands wind nervously into knots, “I need to leave and do this now, before I come to my senses and remember how bad the withdrawal is.” 

I reach across the table and wrap his hands in mine as tightly as I can without aggravating his bruises, he’s gotten so thin over the last few weeks that there isn’t much to hold. He’s eager to leave and get it over with, there isn’t much time to give a proper good-bye. All I can do is reassure him, “When you come back, I’ll be waiting, right here.” 

I help him to his feet and we go back to gather him some clean clothes and books to take. It’s going to be hard being separated but this is for the best in the long run, even if it doesn’t feel like it at the moment. I kiss his forehead with watery eyes as he leaves to talk to Petra. They take him to medical to get assessed before they ship him off to a hospital. When I’m alone, I stare long and hard at the container of pills. It’s just these little things that turned Levi into a completely different person, I hate them vehemently, and never want to see them again. I dump them into the toilet in hopes of bringing me some satisfaction. I watch them spin down the drain. All though they’re gone, the feeling of satisfaction never comes, instead I just feel irritated. 

“It bugs me that they still never caught Bertholdt and Reiner and that Armin is still in the burn ward,” Connie dispassionately knocks over Jean’s king with a flick, letting it roll around the table, “and checkmate.” Jean scowls and begins to reset the board, I get the feeling Connie has been kicking his butt all morning. 

“Hey, Eren,” Jean invites me to sit, I join them and watch them start to play another round of chess on a makeshift board in our unit, “so what happened with Levi? They’re shipping him to the hospital I heard.” It was bound to come up, though, I had hoped it would be not so soon. 

“He needs to have his ankle reset, it happened during the explosion,” I omit a bit. 

“Ah,” Jean nods and scans the chess board, and moves his pawn forwards, it’s a dumb move, “probably a good idea. Getting sober in here never seems to work out for him.” How does he know that? I haven’t seen him talk to Levi for a second since they got in that little argument. Jean sucks his teeth when Connie knocks it over with another pawn. 

“It’s no secret,” Jean side eyes me, full well knowing that he’s stepped into risky territory, “Levi uses, it’s what he does. I could tell he was high the moment I saw him in the medical ward when you guys were patching me up if my memory serves correctly, it was probably the grenade that triggered him to use again- son of a bitch,” Jean groans when Connie knocks over his rook with a pawn. He’s not very good at this. 

I wonder how I could have known Levi this long and never once heard about him using drugs until he starts parachuting pills in front of me. I maybe thought it was just stress that was causing him to act weird or blaming myself for doing or saying something offensive. Levi always seemed against drugs, even if he never outright said it, I thought it would have been too out of character to even consider. I can’t be angry at Jean for just bringing it up when my anger should be directed at Levi. 

“You think he’ll see Armin?” Connie asks Jean solemnly, “I want to know how that kid is doing, it wasn’t fair, him getting all burned like that.” 

“I doubt they would see each other unless it was arranged,” Jean focuses in hard on the game, it looks like he’s about to blow a brain vessel, “he was in the burn ward, its separate from the rest of the hospital. They let me go see him when I was doing better, he looked pretty fucked up still. It’s just because he went back to get his notebook.” Surprisingly, when we were treating people, we only came across minor burns aside from him. From what I had understood, most of the guys were leaving and only got hit with small bits of debris except for Marco who was close to the explosion and Armin who had returned for his book. But all this information I heard from people other than Levi, who was reluctant to talk about it.

“Armin has been through a lot, he’s tougher than most people know,” Connie knocks over Jeans queen, pinning his lone king in the corner, “Checkmate.” That was a short game, playing Jean is clearly no challenge for Connie. In fact, Connie looks bored and sleep deprived. He stretches and moans something about not feeling well and he leaves Jean and me for his own cell. 

With just the two of us, I yawn and watch Jean as he fiddles with the mixed matched chess pieces between his scarred-up fingers. To stiffen the boredom, I invite him back to my cell to play some video games, because I don’t think the two of us trying to figure out how to play chess would be fun or productive. But when I get to the cell my hands stop when opening a game case. I realize how little I know about what Levi is going to go through, I don’t know anything about what could or should happen, and it’s making me fear for him. 

“How long do you think he’ll be gone for?” I sit on the floor and stare at the desk at the disk in my hand, the words don’t’ seem to make an ounce of sense to me.

“Depends,” Jean pokes the nose on a purple crocheted lemur I made, one of the patterns from Mikasa, I always keep it on the bed because it’s Levi’s favourite, “depends on his willpower, strength and how bad that ankle of his is. Probably a week to get down from oxy, if they’re nice,” he wiggles his fingers to try to estimate the rest, “If he needs surgery maybe 3 or 5 weeks for the ankle, could be more if it’s intense, but it’s just my guess. You’re probably looking at least month if things go smoothly.”

I blink, I wonder if I had misheard him. At least a month? He didn’t mention anything about how long it would take, I had assumed only a couple weeks with how short his goodbye was. He did mention how he just wanted to leave before he gave it another thought but I didn’t think the snow would be melting by the time he returns. My heart sinks to my stomach, this wasn’t the outcome I wanted or expected. 

“Oh,” Jean scratches at his knees, he groans at himself, “sorry, I guess he didn’t tell you, did he,” his voice trails off. This all feels so off, being here without Levi around, not hearing boiling water, smelling his shampoo, or listening to him working on a crossword or flipping through a book but more strikingly, being here with Jean alone and hearing him apologize without being sarcastic. When it’s something that isn’t even his fault. 

“A month may feel like forever,” he lays back on the bunk with his arms outstretched and speaks tiredly, “but it will pass and you’ll get him back and things will return to how they were. It will work out better than if he stayed here and tried to do this himself.” It’s a useful piece of advice, to be glad he’s getting better and not to count the minutes. He clears his throat at the end, I look at him and he looks up at the bottom of the bunk above as if it were fluffy clouds in a blue sky. He’s completely lost in it, it must be he’s speaking from experience. I was worried about him before when Marco died, but it seems like he’s been ok, like he’s done this before. Perhaps he has. I suppose Marco was about to leave anyway and the pair would never meet again but what happened was final. No chances or take backs. 

“You’re right,” I nod to him with a friendly smile as large as my heart will let me bear, “thanks, Jean.” 

“Yeah, no problem,” he throws out his wisdom voice and exchanges it for his abrasive and annoying regular voice, “So, what happened last night, it sounded like you two were having quite the time, final good-bye-fuck? Deets?” The smile drops from my face, this is a conversation I’m not having, not with Jean or anyone. I ignore him and we end up playing video games until it’s almost lights out. It’s fun, and for the time being, I forget Levi isn’t around. When he goes back to his cell, I almost want him to stay. I don’t like being here alone with my thoughts, I pull the crocheted lemur into my chest, inhaling his scent that still clings to it and the blankets. Even tiny bed feels too big without him. 

A month feels like a long time, maybe by then I can find it in my heart to forgive him.


	24. Minutes, hours, weeks, seconds

Since the week Levi has been gone, I find myself willingly spending more and more time with Jean. Once you get past his overall personality, he’s doesn’t make a half bad friend. I teach him how to crochet, he’s terrible at it, and in turn, he teaches me how to play nearly every card game invented, then how to cheat at all those card games. Turns out I’m terrible at cards and at cheating. Apparently, my ears turn pink when I lie. We go to the gym to work out a few times a week to keep busy and to keep our bodies from going slack. There isn’t much in this place I can show him that he doesn’t already know, sometimes I forgot that he’s been in here so much longer than me. 

I follow him around (probably more than I should), I learn he works in the laundry room alone most days. Aside from the whirl and clunking of the machines, it’s an easy-going place to work compared to the shop. No danger or shouting, just a lot of pleasant solitary folding and soft smells, I can see why he likes it here. I sit with a piece of paper and a pencil at one of the empty counters for folding and try to think up a pattern to crochet. 

“I’ll crochet you something,” I say to Jean who comes over with a bag of clean shirts thrown over his shoulder, “what do you want?” 

“Anything?” he sets them down and I nod, he looks out into space to try to think of something good. A smug look comes across his face, whatever he’s thinking of is probably terrible, I can sense it. I groan and kick the back of his legs to try to get him to knock it off, unfortunately, he has another smaller, smugger face underneath. 

“I want a little Jean,” he finally says, I groan again, I suppose it’s my fault for asking, I wouldn’t expect anything less from him, “please.” He adds with a weird little puppy face, it’s not very convincing, but that only makes him do it harder. 

I’m sure I can manage it if I get my hands on enough same toned yarn, I could probably do it, though I’m sure it will look like a creepy voodoo doll more than anything. “Ok, ok, it’s tacky, but I’ll give it a shot,” I reluctantly agree to it, and he pats me on the shoulders. I’m not even sure where to start with this. I’ve made a few stuffed animals, all of which with patterns. Making something humanlike sounds like a real challenge, but if it will keep me busy I’ll do it. 

“Do you need my _dimensions_?” he says wiggling his eyebrows, alluding to something that’s not his measurements. I groan. 

“Your voodoo doll’s proportions are the least of my concern,” I try to draw a simple outline of his face, it looks creepy as hell. I may be able to crochet like a god, but I still draw like a child, “getting your smug face right is more important”. I quickly erase it and start over. 

For the rest of the afternoon, we don’t leave the laundry room. Jean folds and washes shirts and I draft plans for what is surely going to be a toy no child will want. I’m working out how to do his face, but I know for sure I want to make his shirt look like a jersey/ugly Christmas sweater for team Jean. I’m thinking about sewing pompoms and tinsel on it just for good measure, assuming I can get my hands on some from Christmas storage.

Jean puts his head on my shoulder and looks over at my work of art, “looks good.”

“Right?” I grin, I’ve become so proud of my work, it takes me a moment to realize Jean's fingers are gently wrapping around my ribs and stomach, while his mouth inches closer to my neck, “you want to go somewhere for a bit?” He whispers, and it catches me off guard, I drop my pencil to the floor, likely shattering the lead inside. Is he really trying to put the moves on me again, with all that’s happened? What an annoying persistent guy. I’m about to give him a piece of my mind when his hands and mouth drop away from me. 

“Hey, red unit f*gs,” a harsh voice comes from behind from a guy looking less than impressed, his spits his words like bullets, “Y'all mind getting the fuck out of our laundry room? You’re stinking up the place.” It's not a suggestion, it’s an order, his friend behind him crosses his arms. They’re wearing yellow, and they’re easily twice the size of us. Jean throws the rest of the clean linen into the large laundry hamper and is halfway out the door without giving those guys a second glace. Since I’ve been here, I can’t say that a single person has said anything negative about anyone who is or is thought to be gay or otherwise. Perhaps I’ve just been fortunate to be in red unit thus far, people in other units might not have it so easy.

“I forgot about the changeover,” Jean grumbles as he wheels the massive hamper back towards our unit, “this place is getting overcrowded again, the schedule got changed twice this month because there aren’t enough machines in the other unit’s laundry rooms.”

“I see,” I kick my heels, I have noticed that more people have been around lately. Longer waits at the cafeteria, more fighting that creates a tenser atmosphere. We can’t feel it much in red unit since the most guys they can fit into a cell is two, but other units I’ve been told have crammed another bed in until they can expand the unit. It happened slowly, but it’s starting to become hectic and unpredictable as guys fight to claim what little space there is. Its like a zoo. 

“Also, Jean,” I glare at him from down my nose to make sure he gets the point, “don’t think that what happened last time when Levi and I split is going to happen again. I’m in it for the long haul.”

“Is that so?” he hums, it doesn’t seem like much of a surprise to him, yet his undertone suggests it’s not the outcome he desired, “you two are like an old married couple, it’s kind of corny, but,” he lowers his gaze with a grin, “if you change your mind, let me know.” His optimism is unyielding it seems. 

I groan and laugh, I suppose his honesty is refreshing, but I still brutally assure him with a few hard pats on the back, “when pigs fly, Jean, when pigs fly.” He’s about to say something else when Connie staggers out from around the corner. 

“Oh hey, Connie,” I chirp, I’m glad to see him and grab my draft from my pocket to show him but when he raises his glance from the floor to me, I can tell something is wrong, very wrong. His eyes are glassy, and his skin is pale and sweaty, “Connie?” I ask him again with alarm, but his eyes just look past me – focused on nothing. I wonder if this is really him or if it’s a ghost. He teeters from side to side, and grips his stomach painfully, he looks as though he’s going to be sick. His uncoordinated feet move one in front of the other until his eyes roll into the back of his head. 

I succumb to the panic and fear that still echoes in my body from the blast, I can’t move never mind help him when he looks like he’s about to pass out. I think back to the explosion and Erwin, its that same feeling of helplessness like I can’t do anything but watch as things spiral. But this time I can help, it’s within my reach. I feel a wind of rapid movement blow past me, it’s Jean. He jumps in just in time to steady Connie and keeps him from toppling over. I drop the draft in my hands and rush over to help. Connie goes limp in his arms, I hold my breath in hopes that this is just another one of Connie’s jokes. Jean shakes him desperately to pull him back to consciousness, but he remains still. I instinctively press my fingers up against his wrist and feel for a pulse. Its so weak that I can hardly feel it, we must do something about this quickly. 

“God damn it, Connie!” Jean shouts in frustration, “help me get him in the basket.” I follow Jeans orders, and the two of us can lift Connie like he weighs nothing, it’s a bad sign. We both carefully lower him into the hamper. We rush him in the basket to the medical ward in the hamper wagon. Skidding around the corners and running past doors, anything to get him there as soon as we can. 

We bust open the door to the medical ward and roll him in. Jean collapses to the floor to catch his breath, his smoking habit catches up to him it seems. With Jean out of commission, it leaves me to tell the doctor what’s going on. My gaze lifts to face two pairs of light blue eyes, one of which I never wanted to see again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want a Jean voodoo doll so bad


	25. Weight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The devil returns

I freeze up. I had planned to say something, but instead, the only sound I can make is a strange rattling as my vocal cords struggle to create words. Why is he here? I thought he was gone, they assured me he was never coming back, everything about this is wrong! 

Erwin’s eyes dart from mine to the situation at hand, he only needs to look at Connie for a split second to know what’s going on, “He’s hypoglycemic and dehydrated,” he speaks to the petite light-haired woman standing beside him, “get fluids and insulin, it’s on the second shelf on the right. I’ll get him into a bed.” I’ve never seen her before, I heard there was a new doctor coming to replace Dr. Berner, but I didn’t expect it to be a woman. And such a small and attractive one at that, she’s crazy to work in a men’s prison. 

“Kirstein,” Erwin picks up Connie’s thin and semi-conscious frame from the bin and lowers him carefully onto the bed before putting an oxygen mask over his face, “You alright down there?” As much as I hate Erwin for what he’s done, he’s a calm and decent doctor who knows everyone’s medical charts by heart. Still, I want him gone. 

“I’m fine, Boss,” Jean wheezes, “he was just wandering the halls like this. He’s been eating fine, I thought he was doing ok. Little bugger, trying to pull this on us again. I know he knows better.” I’m at a loss to what’s going on, while it seems like two of them know what’s happening. I still can’t get any words out, and as much as I want to get the hell away from Erwin and this place, I need to stay for Connie. I need to see him through this, he would do it for me. 

The small doctor comes out from the medicine closet with a tray prepared with a bag of I.V. fluid, a needle and a vial of insulin. Her name, Dr. H. Reiss embroidered on her white lab coat, “It’s all here,” she watches Erwin shine and pocket light into Connie’s eyes. His eyes respond to the light. 

“D-don’t,” Connie’s frail fingers nudge the oxygen mask off his face, his words come like a whisper through his cracked lips as he stares at the tray like its full of tools of torture, “I don’t want it, don’t give it to me.” It sounds like a dying wish, like hell anyone here is going to grant it. They’re just trying to help him, I don’t understand why he’s resisting it if he needs it to feel better. 

“You know we have to,” Erwin takes the needle filled with the clear fluid from Dr. Reiss, his pained expression suggests that he would rather be anywhere else but here, “you know that.” Connie pulls his hands over his face, “Please, don’t,” he’s too weak to go anywhere or to fight back, he must know what Erwin’s right. Connie cringes as the needle pierces his skin, but I don’t believe it is from the pain, something else is going on here. 

“Could someone get Levi and the nurse?” Erwin sets aside the empty needle before hanging the fluids, his frustration looms as his hands bulk up into fists, “I need to know why the hell he’s been off insulin this long.” Jean and I exchange looks, I suppose he just got here this afternoon, and no ones told him what happened. 

“They’re not here,” Jean clear his throat and rises steadily to his feet, he leans over the bed to look at Connie with a sadden look. At the very least, it looks like some colour is returning to his face. Connie is always in the medical ward, eating ice chips and eating Jell-O, but now that I think about it he seems to be spending more time in his cell than not since Levi’s absence. He seemed disinterested and disengaged in everyone else. I put his hand in mine, it’s clammy but mine probably doesn’t feel any different. He squeezes it weakly. 

“What do you mean?” The response is baffling to Erwin, it only angers him further, “I don’t have time for this, Kirstein.” Jean looks over to me, his expression says wants me to say something, or back him up at least. He doesn’t know what happened the last time I saw Erwin, I never told him about it. I can’t blame him for wanting me to speak up. I swallow dryly, I’ll be ok, I can do this. This has nothing to do with Erwin, it’s about keeping Connie safe. I rub the top of his hand with my thumb in slow soft motions. 

“The nurses quit after the explosion,” my voice creeps past my vocal cords, I keep my eyes rooted on Connie, not once lifting them to Erwin, “Levi has been in the hospital for a week now, he probably won’t be back for another month.” 

Erwin’s eyes drop to his hands, he really has no idea what’s going on in here, it’s a shock to him, “I see,” his eyes stay locked on the clipboard in his hand but he’s not looking at anything in particular, “I’ll fill Dr. Reiss in on this,” he speaks to Jean, but I know his words are for both of us, “go back to whatever you were doing, he needs to rest.” 

I don’t want to leave him, he was in such poor health only moments ago. I’m already short a lover, and I don’t want to be short a friend too. I grip his hand tightly, he nods weakly before his pale green eyes disappear behind his heavy lids. I suppose I should do as Erwin says, I tell him I won’t go far and that I’ll be back before bed to check on him, but by the time Jean and I eat dinner and finish returning the laundry to the linen closet it’s already too late. 

“It’s so frustrating when he get’s like that,” Jean leans against the wall of our unit and scowls at everything in sight, “I hate to admit it, but this place doesn’t run right without your stupid, short boyfriend here. He’s the only person who can get Connie and half the other guys in here to take their meds every day, that’s why Connie was always in the medical ward because Levi would let him rest and eat all the ice and Jell-O he wanted as long as he got his shot when he needs it. The new nurse doesn’t care if people don’t want to take the meds, and I don’t know about this new doctor, she’s total a babe, I don’t think she’ll last long with all these guys.” 

“Why doesn’t he take his insulin?” I ask him, “doesn’t not taking it make him sick?” Jeans body tenses up and he looks to the roof hoping that it will tell him what to say, clearly this topic isn’t one he’s too comfortable with. 

Jean groans and lets out a sigh, “Because he wants to get sick.” 

I squint, aside from hanging out in the medical ward there aren’t many benefits to being ill around here, no special privileges or nothing, “I don’t understand.” 

“Connie,” Jean tries to find the right words, he tries to explain to me something he can’t explain for himself, “he has an eating disorder type thing, so Levi and Erwin were ok with him hanging around the medical ward as much as he wanted to as long as he’s drinking water and keeping track of his blood sugar. But since they’re not here, he does what he wants.” I still don’t understand, why would he want to get sick? 

“But Connie eats like a pig,” I shake my head, I wonder if I misunderstood something, “no way he has an eating disorder. I’ve seen documentaries on people with eating disorders, they don’t eat or they puke it up after, Connie hates puking.” 

“It’s not like that,” Jean rubs his forehead, “he has type 1 diabetes, he doesn’t take insulin because he knows he’ll lose weight even if he eats a shit ton. But its bad news for his body, and the longer he does it the more weight he loses and the sicker he gets. He’s made himself nearly half blind in one eye not taking his meds,” Jean looks at me, he knows I’m still confused, “it’s because he used to be overweight and-“ he stops himself, perhaps he feels it’s not his place to say, “listen, you don’t have to understand it, but that’s just how it is. God,” he groans, “I feel like all I do is give you bad news.” 

“It’s Diabulimia,” Petra says as she walks by, she must have been overhearing our conversation, it’s amazing how she can be everywhere and nowhere all at the same time, “Connie’s illness.” 

Jean snaps his fingers, “yeah that’s it, but don’t tell him we said anything, he hates that.” 

“It’s almost lights out,” she double checks her watch, “you should head up, but I want to talk to you for a sec, Eren,” I feel anxious, I wonder if I’ve done something to get into trouble, though Petra is speaking nicely to me. She reaches into her pocket and pulls out a slip of neatly folded paper, “ It's from Erwin, flush it after.” She passes it to me and I tuck it into my pocket, I wonder what this is about. 

I sit alone in my cell with the paper sitting unopened on the ground at my feet. What would Erwin possibly have to say to me? I don’t want to open it, never mind actually read it. I never wanted to see Erwin again, I had nearly forgotten about him, but now all I feel is that same powerless and frustrated feeling I had when I was on his examining table. I pick up the paper and hold it between my fingers until my sweat warps its surface, I’m not going to let him make me feel this way any longer. I find the courage to open it, it starts with my initials. 

_E.J., I’m sorry to hear about Levi. I feel like I am to blame for all of this, had I been more responsible and less impulsive things may have worked out differently for all of us. I regret my actions towards you and Levi, and I promise to keep all my future relations with inmates completely professional. I’m sorry for the pain I’ve caused you and others, and I understand if you can never forgive me but I would be glad if you would. I’ll be here for a short time for training the new doctor, and I don’t want you to feel unsafe around me when you visit your friend_

_ES  
PS. Connie is doing better, he just needs your support right now PS.PS I ask that you do not share the contents of this note with anyone other than Levi if you wish _

I exhale slowly, I don’t know what I was expecting, but it wasn’t that. I rip the note up into fine confetti as I think about what it said. I suppose this is his way of apologizing, and it’s not a bad apology, it’s just, can’t forgive him. He’s a fucking piece of shit. If he really cared at all about me and other locked up guys, he wouldn’t be working in prisons around people he easily could toy with. I watch the paper spin down the drain, I don’t plan on sharing it with Levi either. It’s not going to change a thing, but at least for now I know Erwin is only here for a short time and soon I can go on with my life again. This all would be so much easier if he was here, he would know what to do. 

I crawl back into bed, or perhaps Erwin wanted to lift the weight off his shoulders just to feel better about himself. He can’t possibly be sorry, can he? I don’t want to have to think of Erwin and a person capable of guilt or remorse. He doesn’t get to feel anything, I hope he’s miserable, and I hope he dies. Ugh, I groan and roll over face first into the pillow, his words are screwing with my head, I don’t want to think about it anymore.


	26. Bets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> where o where has our love interest gone

A month passes in dull and slow-moving waves. First new years, then Chinese new years and before I know it we’re not far from Valentine's day. Erwin left as quickly as he came and the new doctor, despite everyone’s ideas about her, stays to fill the void created by the grenade. Connie manages to make a sluggish recovery but a recovery none the less. 

Jean was right when he said that things don’t run right without Levi around. I hadn’t realized that he was such a positive influence on other people. He was a loner for the most part, but people had respect for him and he could break up fights and talk people into accepting help in the medical ward when they needed it. 

But as another week goes by, I find myself spending less and less time looking out the window waiting for a medical transport truck and more and more time drowning myself in yarn and video games. It’s not that I don’t expect him to come back, I know he will, but the more I linger on it, the sadder and lonelier I become. I’ve lingered enough on it already. 

Jean leans in the doorway if of my cell watching me crochet a miniature cigarette to put into a crocheted horse mouth I made earlier this week. Its got a human-like body wearing a Christmas sweater decked out with mini pompoms, and of course, it has the head of a horse. A smug horse at that. It was supposed to be Jean for a joke since I lost the pattern I drew up prior, but Petra took an interest in the first one I made and put it in the art display case in the visitor’s lobby and somehow my ‘art’ has become popular on social media and with visitors. So, I’ve decided to make more of them to sell to raise money for more prison programming. Hopefully, we can get the crocheting and knitting program back, so I can get better materials instead of relying on Mikasa and whatever is in storage. 

Jean eventually loses interest in what I’m doing and leans on the windowsill with a jaded expression. The snow has begun to melt, and winter is almost over as tiny needles of grass shoot up from the ground. Time passes differently now, it’s quicker than it feels out there. You don’t think of waiting for the weekend, or making plans, a week in here feels like a day in the outside world. It’s like a time warp that ages you and dulls your senses. Unless you find something to do this place will ease you into forgetting who you are and what really matters. 

Jean slowly lifts his head and blinks several times. His eyes eagerly trace something on the horizon, “Eren,” he whispers, seemingly not believing what’s in front of him, “Eren,” he kicks my shins without taking his eyes off whatever he’s looking at. I set down what I’m doing and look at him with an unimpressed look. Lately, he’s been a little too into bird watching and he feels the need to show me every single bird he sees, no matter how common. And, it just so happens that my cell has a better view of the wood than his. As a matter of fact, my cell has amassed a small collection of bird books from the library that he’s just left here on Levi’s desk. You’d think this was mine and Jean’s cell given how much time he spends here. 

“Another Swainson’s hawk?” I question him, it had at least better be something good if he’s going to bug me mid-stitch. He shakes his head, “I think it’s-” he narrows his eyes to focus on the distant moving object, “a medical transport truck?” I drop what I’m doing and rush to the window to see, my hearts pounding as I search for it. And sure enough, there it is. The tiny blessed vehicle quickly approaches the building. He’s here, he’s finally here! I push Jean needlessly out of the way to get a clean shirt and pants, I don’t want to look like total shit when I see him. I rush down the stairs and out of the unit, I don’t even know what I’m going to say to him. Hello, how are you? Ahhh, I’m too overwhelmed to even get a clear thought through. I can’t wait to hug him, kiss him and squeeze him, that much is for sure.

It seems the other’s caught on as well. A small group of people amassed in the corridor that is as close as we can get to the entrance of the medical transport bay. There are some quiet murmurs among the crowd as to what’s going on, but just about anything out of the ordinary is enough to garner a crowd. Mike clears the way for the tiny doctor who stands at the ready to greet the new arrival. 

“Can you see anything?” I ask Jean, since he’s significantly taller than me he should be able to see over the crowd because all I can get is shoulders from down here. The wait and the not knowing is driving me insane. Jean’s eyes narrow and focus on something, “yeah, it’s not your boyfriend, it’s Armin.” 

“Oh,” I lower down from my tippy toes and watch through the horde of guys as Armin is rolled straight into the medical ward by hospital staff. I don’t really get a clear look at him, but Jean tells me his burns have healed well by the looks of things. They must have been bad to keep him there for nearly two months. Quickly the excitement dies down and everyone is herded back to where they are supposed to be. I’m glad Armin is back safe and sound, but I wish Levi came back with him. He’s been gone for so long, I worry there might have been complications during his operation or stay. 

Jean nudges me, and we go back to my cell. We pick up exactly where we left off, Jean staring out the window at everything and nothing and me crocheting a tiny cigarette. Only this time the mood is a little more depressing, “I’m horny,” Jean groans pitifully for probably the 3rd or 4th time today. He’s worse than a dog, I can recall Levi telling me he got Jean off when they were cellmates just to get him to shut up about it. It’s only now that I’m starting to understand why.

“Go jerk off then,” I sigh, probably every guy wakes up with wood in the morning, and every day no ladies are around. I’d be lying if I didn’t say I’d kill for a quickie with Levi if he was here right now, but that’s not going to happen. I stitch the tiny cigarette into the horse’s mouth along with the three other I made earlier. I hold it up to Jean and close one eye to compare the two, the resemblance is uncanny. 

Jean lays down on the floor pitifully, after standing there for hours it’s no surprise he’s exhausted from doing nothing. He rolls around the floor like a slowly dying cat until he looks like a dead starfish sprawled across the floor, “you wanna have sex?” Jean has gotten way to shameless about all of this. 

“Not with you,” I set the horse down on his chest and he stares it in the eye. I pick up another ball of fine yarn and try to think of what else I could possibly make, boredom can either give you plenty of creativity or sap it, today it’s the latter. I guess I’ll make another animal with cigarettes in its mouth, people seem to like those. 

“We should have a party or something,” he balances the horse on his face, “I got some booze from Mike, we can celebrate Armin’s valiant return,” he says with a bit of sarcasm, him and Armin get along alright, but its unlikely Armin is going to be out of the medical ward anytime soon and its even less likely this party is going to involve him. 

“Did someone say booze?” Connie’s sudden presence in the doorway makes me jump. 

“Like a bug to a flame,” Jean purses his lips and shakes his head disapprovingly, “remember what happened last time you drank in here? Unless you want a repeat that is?” Connie glares at him infuriatingly. 

“What?” My eyes dance between them as Connie works hard to evade every and all eye contact with Jean, “What happened last time?” My ears eagerly await to hear some nice gossip. Some excitement, finally. 

“Well,” Jean puts the horse up on the desk and says his piece in one breath in a matter of fact tone, “Connie got wasted and made out with me – with tongue.” My jaw drops, and Connie throws his hands up in the air before shaking them wildly without frustration. 

“I did not,” he adamantly denies , if he truly believes it and is trying to hide it, he’s doing a poor job at doing so, “you just keep saying that because it annoys me. No sensible person would get near your ugly mug. Drunk or sober.” 

“This guy,” Jean motions to Connie with his thumb and speaks to me only, “he’s a lightweight and he’s more of a touchy drunk than Levi, if you believe that.” Connie seems like one of the straightest guys around here, I wouldn’t believe a word Jean is saying if Connie didn’t look terribly hot and bothered by the accusation. But then again, I could just be Jean trying hard to mess with him.

“I didn’t happen,” he kicks Jeans foot, Jean up plays the pain, “I would remember if it did, you can’t just make stuff up cuz’ you want to, Jean,” Connie turns his nose up at him. 

“But you don’t remember anything,” Jean snipes him, “so it could have happened you just don’t remember.” 

“Yunno’ what?” Connie cracks his neck, I can feel the tension rising in the room, “I’ll come to your party and drink all your crappy prison booze, and nothing will happen except you making a fool of yourself when I kick your ass at smash.” 

“I dare you,” Jean laughs manically as Connie storms out, he turns to me, “I bet you fifty bucks he gets wasted and tries to make out with me, I swear, drunk Connie is so gay for me.” It seems unlikely, seeing how Connie made such a statement about not doing just that, so I shake on the bet. Unbeknownst to me, Jean hosts the party in my cell instead of his and by a party I mean just him and Connie getting drunk, playing Smash and yelling at each other while I watch from the top bunk. 

“You’re fucking terribad at dis’ game, Jeen,” Connie deliberately miss pronounces Jean’s name as Jean’s character respawns. Jean was right about one thing, Connie is a lightweight. It probably doesn’t help that he’s on all these medications, that he’s short, underweight and that he never drinks in comparison to Jean. But either way, he’s terribly determined to keep up with Jean's monstrous drinking. Despite Connie's inebriation, he’s winning by a long shot. 

“Erennnnnnn,” Connie whines while munching on potato chips, “come an’ sub in for him, give me a real challenge.” After watching them yell at each other for upwards of a half an hour I’m fully ready to give it a go. I down the rest of my own poorly mixed drink before I crawl down from the bunk. They both take a shot from the water bottle filled with vodka, this is starting to get a little out of hand. If Levi was here, he would have probably kicked them out ages ago, with how drunk they’re getting they could be putting me into trouble if Petra or Nile walks by. 

I shake the tension out of my hands before I grab hold of the bulky controller and sit down. Connie is tightly squeezed in-between Jean and I, “Eren is wayyyyy, better than yew’, Jeen, he practices with Levi so’s he’s better.” 

“Eren practices s’a lot of things with Levi, if yunno’ what I mean,” Jean mumbles and Connie elbows him hard in the gut, they both burst out laughing. I groan and shoot a glare at both of them, they’re both too drunk for their own good, and it’s only just after supper which means they’re going to be around for some time now. And I get tired of drunk people fast unless I’m also drunk, which isn’t the case since they’re both hogging all the booze. Connie puts his arm around our shoulders and sways us from side to side so much so that I half expect him to sing kumbaya “I think, wer’ gunna to be great friends.” 

“We’re already friends,” I laugh as I pick my character. 

“Yeah, yeah,” he pinches my cheek until they turn as red as his, “Eren has’a beauuitful GameCube, and beautiful green eyes,” Connie goes off on some drunken tangent, while I try to set up the next game, “Jean has’a lot of books about beautiful birds and he as’ beautiful-“ Connie stops talking to try to recall what he’s going to say, it appears he can’t find the word he looking for, “these thingies’,” Connie reaches out to Jean's chest and leisurely drags his fingers on his exposed collar bones. Jean was also right about him being touchy, with the way he’s touching those collar bones one would think they were covered in brail. Sexy brail. Damn it, Jean! I’m going to be out 50 bucks if he keeps on going like this. Connie was supposed to be our token straight guy; how could the writer of this shitty fanfic do this? I clear my throat a few times, until Connie raises the bottle to his mouth to take another swig. It looks like it’s getting near the end at least. 

“Jean, tell me,” Connie leans hard on Jean's shoulder waves the bottle around quizzingly in his hand until Jean takes it from him and finishes it. I quickly take it and rinse it out in the sink. I fill it up with water at try to pass it back to them, but they ignore it. Typical. 

“What is it, Connie?” Jean smacks his lips before drinking some more pop, at least he’s drinking some fluids. 

“Who in ‘ere, his unit, haven’t you ‘ad sex withhh?” Connie grins, he seems genuinely curious. I groan a put my head in my hands, this is becoming too much. While Jean mulls it over I top up his glass of water. 

“The fact that you’re taking so long is mildly concerning,” I shake my head over the hiss of the water. I was under the impression Jean got around in here, but I wouldn’t have guessed it was to this extent. 

“Well,” Jean taps his chin, “Auruo, Armin, Marco, nuna’tha guards, the really old guys, uh,” he looks straight at me before getting a sickly grin on his face, “and you, Connie.” Connie starts cackling, I try to ease the bottle of water into his hand and he brings it to his face, only about half the water makes it into his mouth. I hope it will distract from the fact that he didn’t say mine name, if only I could be for fortunate.

“Wwait, wait, wait,” Connie’s laughter comes to a slow grinding halt, his eyes jet between mine and Jeans, “so you guys did it? Issat’ true? Who did who?” Jean sticks his tongue out at me, his stupid face is begging for a slap upside the head, which I’m eager to give. I give him the stink eye, which I hope is enough to deter him. 

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” Jean chuckles, he sets his arm atop of Connie’s shoulder with his head cocked at me as he spills the details I never wanted Connie to hear, “it was in the chapel, R.I.P in peace, Eren is about two steps’away from being a screamer when a dicks inside him, you know. The only thing that shuts ‘em up is a dick is is’ mouth.” Connie wheezes, this is terribly funny to him, but all I am is embarrassed and infuriated. Perhaps I’m lucky to have made it this far without Jean telling him or anyone else (that I know of) in the first place. 

“Says you, you were my only viable option for a rebound,” I groan and kick him hard in the shins. Apparently, booze just makes Jean’s already fat mouth even fatter. If Jean was telling this to anyone else I probably wouldn’t have cared this much, but never talk to Connie about sex stuff, and I was planning on keeping it that way. 

“You don’t ‘ave to tell me about him screamin’,” Connie drinks the water and points to the wall, likely attempting to gesture to his cell, “I can hear eeeeverything, you know,” he sets the bottle down slowly on the desk as if most of the contents weren’t already spilled on my sheets and his shirt, “is’it weird that I’m sortta’ jealous of you an’ Levi?” 

“I think everyone is, yew’ guys are so in love, it’s sickening,” Jean flops back on the bed, he moans on about it, it boosts my ego knowing everyone’s a little jealous, “always smiling and kissing, it’s so- ugh, I ain’t even in’ta guys like that, like datin, that’s gross, I just want dick.” 

“That makes you gay, Jean,” I purse my lips into a half grin and sit back down on the floor to set up a different game. I actually want to play video games, not just listen to Jean tell his hoe stories and watch him attempt to seduce Connie. 

“Nah,” Jean yawns and Connie falls against him, it looks like they’re starting to tire out, “it makes me stuck in’ere for 25 years to life. Boys gotta’ get some while ‘es still young and twinky, yunno’ what I’m sayin’? I murdered a cop, maybe one dayI’ll get some crazy fangirl to write me and we’ll fall’in love an’ get conjuga’ visits, ” It’s sad when he words it like that, but that’s the reality of this place. I’m not even a year into my 15, but at least I know for sure when I’m getting out, he doesn’t have that luxury. The room goes quiet as Connie shuffles to get comfy against Jean. 

“In yer’ dreams, cop killer,” Connie closes his eyes as Jean moves in for the kill, wrapping his arm around his waist, Connie seizes the opportunity to cruelly tease him about his shortcomings, “ladies want a real man who can provide, not you. You have nuffin’ going for ya’, all you do is gets cute bald boys drunk, so maybe they’ll make out with ‘yew, it’s kinda sad.” This is starting to get heavy, I ask them about maybe playing a different game, but my words fall on deaf ears. 

Jean lowers his voice and speaks slowly, he knows Connie is competitive it’s probably wise of him to use that to his advantage, “if you’re more of a man than me, why don’t you prove it? Betcha’ can’t.” It’s the flicker of heat in Connie’s eyes and the unexpected new edition of his bedroom voice that tells me I lost the bet. 

“You couldn’t handle’ me, Kirstein,” Connie’s growling whisper is enough for Jean to pull him into a heated kiss, which he accepts without protest. Even if Connie is straight, it look’s like Jeans raging hormones and promise of a happy ending is enough to turn him after several hard drinks. Upon second glance, it looks like the drinks aren’t the only thing hard. Like hell they’re going to do this is my room, “Ok, ok,” I groan and shake the bunk to split them up, conveniently spilling drinks on my sheets, “I’m right here, guys.” I notify them, but it doesn’t seem like they care much and go on making out. I have to physically drag them out of my cell to get them to leave. 

I lay down on alone my bunk with its sad wet spots, and groan to myself about how much I hate all of this. It’s not jealousy, it’s just I get the feeling this is going to end badly. I know it’s extremely unlikely Jean and Connie are going to start dating, what is far more likely is things will become weird and suddenly my two only real friends in here won’t be able to stand to be in a room together. I hardly get a moment away from them until Jean slides into my cell in his socks asking me if I have lube and condoms. 

“You know Connie is straight, right? He’s going to hate you if you try to pull this on him,” I don’t intend on Jean’s raging hardon to ruin our friendship. 

“He’s inta’ this, I sweer’, he wants me,” Jean slowly shuts the door to the cell and lowers his voice, “Guys are in here are allllways straight until they get they’ first ass, juss’ look at me I used to be into chicks and now I’m well-” he pleads like a desperate horny puppy, if he didn’t look so sad and pathetic it would be easy to say no, but he genuinely looks like he wants this, “help me out for altha’ times I helped you.”

“You’ve never helped me, Jean,” I cross my arms, perhaps Connie is really ok with this and I’m just being an immature cockblock to two horny-consenting-grown-ass men who want to have safe sex, “but fine,” I give in, his face lights up, but he’s not getting out here without a fair warning, “if you upset Connie or hurt him, I’m going to kick your ass, got it?” I groan I don’t feel like dealing with any more of his drama. If this is what it takes him to leave then the mistake is his, I get the stuff for him since Levi and I have plenty to spare, “but I’m not giving you your fifty bucks.” 

“Deal, thank you, thank you,” he disappears quickly, at least he’s polite enough to shut the door this time. I flick of the light switch and get back into bed this time pulling the wet sheets over me, I don’t care enough to switch them out. I roll against the cool brick of the wall and breath. Thanks to the little bit of alcohol, it makes me a little drowsy and it’s not hard to get some sleep even with all the chatter from outside. 

Sometime during the night, a flicker of colour whips across my lids like a lighting bug, it’s enough for me to pull me from my sleep. The sun has long since set from outside, I must have missed roll call and lights out. I suppose Petra probably saw me resting and just checked me off the list out of the kindness of her own heart. My eyes follow the light coming from under my bed. It’s Levi’s phone. Has it been on this whole time? I only notice now but it's been plugged into the wall, in his hurry to leave he probably forgot it charging. On the screen, there are several messages from an unknown sender dating back to when he first left. 

Unknown: i dont know if youll get this but a nurse let me borrow her phone to text you, so dont send me any dick picks im sure she wont appreciate that. I want to talk to you, tell me how you are. I hope you’re doing good. Im sorry I was a shit head, ill do better, believe me. Levi 

Unknown: and please delete these as you get them, I don’t want her or you to get into trouble

Unknown: I really miss you and im doing ok, don’t be worried, I know youll be worried youre always worried and when you get worried u knit too much and youll give yourself tendonitis, so don’t do that. you’ll need your wrists for piano.

Unknown: armin is here with me while theyre taking me off oxy, he said hi, hes doing goodish/out of burn ward but I don’t think hes going back anytime soon 

Unknown: this is getting hard, I feel like ive been fucked in the worst way possible, the only thing that keeps me from feeling worse is knowing ill see you when I get back, take care 

Unknown: my leg looks like a cured ham, a hospital infection, goodie. im going to be here for longer than I anticipated, im sorry I let it get this bad. How are you doing? Are you and the others well? 

Unknown: make sure connie is taking his meds, yell at him if you have too 

Unknown: happy new year eren 

Unknown: I know I don’t say it enough, but im crazy about you, I never wanted to go back to prison so badly. Its boring here, but the food is decent at least

Unknown: im going into surgery ill see you later 

Unknown: that hurt 

Unknown: the nurse thinks im crazy for still hoping that you check the phone 

Unknown: neve rmind she said its cute but also crazy, I just love you so much. It kills me to be apart from you

Unknown: they have AMC in the hospital, a walking dead marathon is on, I can see why you like this show 

Unknown: sorry I’m so shitty I’ll do better next time if you’ll give me the chance. I messed up with you. big time. 

Unknown: Armin is going home, I actually miss him already, hes a good kid. I told him to tell you about this damm phone, also please check on him for me he’s not 100% still 

Unknown: uh did I just call jail home 

My heart swells. I press my face into the pillow to hide my laughter and oncoming tears. What a dork. He’s been sending me these messages for weeks hoping that I’d check his hidden phone, it’s probably only because Connie and Jean were rolling around that it was knocked from the slot it was kept away in. Just my luck, huh? I stare at the screen and trace my fingers along the keyboard punching a mess of random letters until I think of what to say. 

You: I’m crazy about you too, come home


	27. The way things work out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Or don't

My mood and soul are lifted after reading the messages he sent to me. I jump out of bed well before my alarm for shower and check the phone. No new messages. That’s ok, he’s bound to see them eventually. When Petra comes to pick me up to take me to the shower with the others, she seems a little bit confused by my mood. 

“You ok, Eren?” She gives me the side eye as she walks me down the stairs to join the others. I smile and chuckle, I’m probably red in the face. This is the best thing that happened to me in what feels like forever, I can hardly stop the cheeriness from spilling out of my pores. 

“I just had a really good sleep,” I beam, but I don’t get to finish my sentence in the same tone as my eyes meet with Connie’s, “is all.” My voice drops off, he looks like shit. I hope in my heart that it’s just because he’s hung over and has nothing to do with Jean hurting him in some way or another. He rubs his red eyes and walks silently alongside me dragging his feet. In the shower room, he pulls me to the far end and we get into stall side beside so we can speak. 

“You can never tell anyone what happened last night,” he whispers sternly, there is a sense of fear and urgency in his voice I’ve never heard in it before, he feels the temperature of the running water with his hands. It’s not even steaming it looks like its icy cold when he jumps in, “I’m going to tell Jean I don’t remember anything, please don’t let him harass me about it, I know he will and I can’t- I need you to be in on this with me, please.” His wide eyes beg me, he needs this desperately. Knowing Jean, he won’t let him live it down to any degree. 

“Of course, of course. Are you ok?” I whisper back, I’m worried for the worst, I knew I shouldn’t have let Jean anywhere near him. I’m a shit friend for looking out for Jean's blue balls over than Connie’s well-being. I was selfish, to give Jean what he wanted to shut him up, I should know better than to trust Jean when he’s horny. 

“He didn’t hurt you, did he?” I quiz him quietly, trying to keep my voice and my anger low, if Jean was here I would punch him before I punch myself, “because if he did-“ I inadvertently raise my voice and he shh’s me. 

“No, no, I’m fine, I’m fine,” He shushes me, he lets the water run over his head down his face, “it was fine, I’m just a really hung over and sick after puking my guts out this morning,” he sighs, he seems far less upset than he did a moment ago, he puts some soap into his hand before rubbing it on his back, it causes him to flinch, “but he clawed my back up real good, stings like a bitch. I hope it doesn’t get infected, I don’t know what I’d say to the doc.” I get him to turn around to take a closer look at it. Tiny irritated pink and red claw marks line hang off his shoulder blades like a thin veil. Thankfully they’re not very deep, but damn, it is scratched and irritated for sure. Jean’s nails ain’t even that long, what on earth happened last night? 

“It was fine?” I ask him, not trying to sound too overly interested and keep my demeanor calm. He shrugs and nods, it’s clear the conversation makes him uncomfortable, but I can’t help myself. My straight friend just fucked my other friend, and if it didn’t go bad, I’m dying to know just how well it went, “did you, yunno..?” he looks confused, I make a suggestive gesture with my hand until he gets what I’m going for. 

“Oh,” he looks surprised for a moment when he figures out what I’m trying to say, his eyes try to find something else to look at, “that,” his scratches the back of his head with embarrassment, “yeah, he did too, a few times, I think. I don’t know how it works with, you know.” A few times? I nod and hold my face muscles tightly to avoid looking too shocked and strangely amused with this all. I guess it went more than fine, maybe that’s why he feels so weird about it. It looks like my initial worry and anger was misplaced, if the sex wasn’t bad, what bothering him so much?

“… Did you want it to happen again?” I ask quietly, slowly pushing shampoo through my hair, I still can’t believe any of this is happening. I don’t even know how I feel about any of it, or if I should ever share any of this information with Levi when gets back. 

“I don’t know, I don’t think so,” he clears his throat with uncertainty, he’s conflicted about something he’s not telling me, he goes back to washing,“I don’t want to talk about it anymore if that’s ok.” Something is clearly up, maybe Connie feels used? I don’t know, but I don’t like it one bit. But if he wants me to keep it a secret, I’ll have to bite my lip when I talk to Jean. 

“No, yeah, for sure, of course, if you ever want to talk I’m here, but you know that” I rattle on and wash the remaining suds out of my hair. He thanks me, but he seems deep down in the dumps about this, I hope it’s not going to have a long-lasting effect if so, I’m going to have a good yell at Jean. 

The rest of the morning until breakfast I lay in my bunk and think about it. I wonder if anyone else felt the same way I feel about these two about Levi and me? It’s a combination of worry and hope that it works out. I wasn’t all that into him first, but so much has happened and I’ve gotten so close to him. Jean obviously was interested in what the two of us were doing sex wise, but I still have a hunch Jean has a crush on Levi, even if he says he’s not romantically attracted to guys. 

It's about as awkward as breakfast as you would expect, I sit with Connie at a separate table from all the other guys we usually sit with. Connie still feels ill and hungover, and he doesn’t eat or drink much, but Jean seems like he’s in a piping good mood with a raging apatite to match. I hang out with Connie at the library in silence like we always do until he’s told he has a visitor, likely his girlfriend, she usually comes twice a week. I use the opportunity to get some much-needed intel from Jean. 

“I thought you’d be down here, you’re like a rat, always in the basement,” I call out when I see Jean standing in front of the folding table with a stack of sheets, he grins when he sees me. He seems in about as good a mood as I was in before I ran into Connie. 

“So,” he says, putting down what he’s doing and leaning on the table, he desperate for information, “what did Connie say? He seemed like he was in a bad mood this morning. I looked him in the eye and I thought he was going to bite my head off, and not in a nice way.” It seems like I wasn’t the only one who caught on to the tension. As angry as I am with Jean, I did tell Connie that I’d keep what he said a secret by saying he said he didn’t remember. 

“Well,” I play with the buttons on a out of service washing machine to keep myself looking disinterested, “he said he puked and blacked out a few times, obviously you guys didn’t get that far last night, but you can keep that stuff I gave you,” I return the smirk to him through my teeth, “trust me, I don’t want it back.” 

“Pfft,” Jean crosses his arms, he looks annoyed with what I’m saying, but I think he believes me, if only partially, “he must remember something, he’s probably lying to make himself feel better about fucking me, let me tell you, Eren,” he speaks with his hands to a sharp point to get across how strongly he feels about this, “that was THE best sex I’ve ever had, EVER, I don’t know if it’s because he’s straight or has a magic penis or what, but it was unbelievable. I mean,” he runs his hands through his hair hastily, he’s still high on the rush from last night, “it was strange at the beginning, I could tell that this was all truly new to him, he didn’t know where to put his hands or anything. So,” he comes a little closer and looks over my shoulder and whispers, “he was doing me from behind, acting all macho, right. Straight guys watch a lot of porn, we like it when the girl moans all loud, so that’s what I was doing to try to get him into it, it was half fake at first, but then he just says,” Jean drops his voice down an octave, “’Did you want to face me?’ And then the true magic began, and fuuuuuuucccck,” he groans and squeals at the same time, he sounds like a lovesick teenage girl, “I don’t even want to tell you what happened after.” 

“Yes, please don’t,” I laugh awkwardly, but this is entertaining me beyond belief. It’s funny how different the two stories are, I’m still too inexperienced in sex, and having male friends to talk to about said sex to even know how to react to any off the stuff he’s telling me but just try to look unimpressed, as if he’s telling me a story and I’m just going along with it to be a good friend. 

“Fuck me, man,” he bends forwards, bracing himself on his thighs, he looks out of breath, probably his pack a day habit doesn’t help much, “my knees are getting weak just thinking about it. I used to tell Marco all this stuff, but he’s a few feet under, obviously. Please don’t tell anyone about this, I would die if Connie knew he was the best I’ve ever had. He’d never let me live it down,” he slams his hands on the table in a frenzy of disbelief, it catches both of us off guard, “It’s fucking Connie, how the hell is he this good in bed? I came at least three times, Eren.” 

“Of course, of course,” I zip my lips, “I won’t tell anyone, I swear, so…” I’m getting mad dejavu about all of this, “think you’re going to do it again? Assuming what you’re telling me is real not just a wet dream.” 

“God,” he rubs his eyes, unlike Connie he doesn’t look hungover just crazed, “like hell if I know. He has a serious girlfriend and everything, and he’s my friend, there are so many things I could ruin just because he’s a good lay. I feel so,” he desperately tries to search for the word for how he’s feeling, “confused. I DID NOT want it to be THAT good, and that says a lot coming from me.” I sit at the table and watch him fold the rest of the sheets and rattle on more about how good the sex was until something on my face brings his rant to a grinding halt. 

He narrows his eyes at me to try to figure it out, “you know something, don’t you, spit it out.” 

“I don’t know anything,” I laugh it off, I was only thinking about how unfortunate this all is and how I can scarcely comprehend any of this, “It’s just Connie doesn’t remember, and you’re having a crisis over his magic penis, it’s funny and kinda’ sad.” 

“Ugh, lay it off, Eren, your ears are as pink as ever,” he tosses the rest of the sheets into the bin with dismay, “Ugh, I guess it doesn’t matter. Can you just tell him I barely remember any of it if he asks? I mean, it’s probably better that way, right? I can go on living, it’s not like he the one or -” Jean look up with a terrified expression, it’s a moment of realization he wishes he had never thought of, “that’s not how it works, right? Right?” 

“Do you.. have feelings for him?” I ask, this is taking a turn I didn’t foresee. I try to tiptoe around it, it’s a sensitive topic and Jean is probably feeling exposed enough as it is. 

“No,” Jean's eyes criss-cross all over the floor in search of answers, his words are muddled with what if’s and self-doubts, “I don’t think so, I would know if I did, I would think so at least. It was just good sex and,” he gets another load out of the dryers hastily, “I can’t deal with this today, I need to just fold laundry and try not to over think it.” I nod, I’m starting to think I need to stop over thinking it too, so I help him. I don’t bother telling him about Levi and his messages, clearly, he’s overloaded as much as it is. 

It’s not until after lunch that I finally get to check his phone, I’m disappointed to see there aren’t any messages, but I’ll manage. I take the time to go check on Armin, after reading Levi’s messages I feel guilty for not talking to Armin when he first arrived, but now I’m glad to see him. He’s still wearing dressings on the parts of his skin that are still healing, but it’s a far cry from what he looked like when we loaded him into that ambulance. To my surprise, the little coconut is sitting upright in a bed giving Connie a hug and telling him ‘Congratulations’. 

“What are we celebrating?” I come towards them, Armin’s face lights up when he sees me. 

“Connie got engaged to Sasha, she proposed to him, show Eren the ring, Connie,” he grins wildly, the news comes as a shock to me, I’m not sure if it’s pleasant news or not. After all, it will be years until they can properly be together. He raises his hand to let me look at the new piece of work around his finger, it’s a platinum band with a diamond inlay. It’s a nice ring, it manages to be blingy but masculine at the same time. It must cost a fortune, maybe Lady Connie is out robbing banks too. 

“Actually, we talked about it on the phone,” he traces over it with his fingertips, his spirits have risen significantly from this morning, “she’s pregnant and I can’t do shit all in here, but this feels right. She’s going to bring the paperwork in tomorrow so we can be proper married, I just wanted to show the ring off to everyone, it’s just like her to buy it for me, she’s funny like that.” 

“No way,” I pat Connie hard on the back forcing my smile larger than it should be, “way to go, Connie, Congrats.” He smiles, he does look truly happy, but I still sense a minuscule drop of doubt in his eyes when they fall to his feet. He’s nuts about Sasha, what’s causing that unhappiness? Is it because he’s in here or is it because of Jean? The answer is yet to be seen. 

“Eren,” Armin motions for me to sit down, he speaks quietly to avoid being overheard by the nurse, “Levi wanted me to tell you about his phone, you’re going to want to check it, and that he really misses you. He wouldn’t stop talking about you,” he smiles softly, “you two must have something really special if you can make him get all gushy like that.” My face and chest fill with warmth, “he’s doing well,” Armin calms my nerves, “you don’t need to worry about him, he’ll be back soon, don’t you worry.” 

“Thank you so much, Armin,” I thank him and he grips my hand with his, he seems happy to be back, “I only saw the phone last night, maybe he’ll respond this afternoon.” 

“Go check it right now,” he lets go of me and tries to send me off, “I don’t want to keep you from talking to him.” I wish him well and congratulate Connie once more before I scurry off to my cell. I expect to get some more time alone, but instead, Jean is here sitting at the desk with one of his bird books. He’s so lost in thought he doesn’t even hear me come in and keeps his eyes focused blankly on the page at hand. 

“You ok?” I say lightly as not to spook him, this is a complete 180 from his elevated mood earlier, perhaps the high finally wore off. 

He blinks the image out of his eyes with a short breath in and a long sigh out, “yeah, I’m just tired.” I nod, and don’t ask any more questions. I get the phone out and hide it against the wall as I turn it on. To my delight, there is a message. It’s hard to resist freaking out over it, my heart pounds in my chest as I open it, but it’s not what I expected. 

Unknown: I’m sorry, Eren. They moved him to the other side of the hospital this morning, to the ICU because of complications because of the infection. I won’t be able to see him alone like before

Unknown: You two seem really sweet, I’m sorry for the bad news.

Unknown: If I find out anything, I’ll let you know


	28. Heartbeats

I click the phone off and tuck it back into the bed frame without another thought. I was so close to getting the chance to talk to him again, why does my timing always have to be so bad? Had I known, I wouldn’t have felt so lousy waiting for him to talk to me. I watch Jean pretend to read his book just as I had watched Levi do time after time, but now is nothing like it was then. Jean doesn’t look at me or even blink, I wonder why he’s here in the first place if he doesn’t want to even acknowledge me. Watching him makes me miserable. Why is he even here.

I pull the blanket over my head and willingly let the darkness overtake me. Complications, complications, complications, complications. My mind echoes the word until I hardly recognize it. Last time I heard this word, it was life-changing. I desperately do not want a repeat. 

I wake up to the clatter of China shattering and a woman’s painful screams. It throws me into a state of alertness like 5000 volts of electricity to the brain. I don’t need to think, I don’t need to look for an explanation, I just need to run as fast as my feet will carry me. My legs are short, my arms are shorter getting downstairs from my bedroom feels akin to coming down from the summit of Everest. My socked feet nearly slip on the polished oak steps, but I push through. 

It’s my mother, young and beautiful laying in a pool of water, broken porcelain and blood. She grasps her belly swollen with a child inside. She’s crying, sobbing and nothing she says is making sense. I don’t know how to help her, but the longer I wait the more blood pools under her like a black hole, I panic and cry with her. I feel helpless to do anything. Mikasa is having a sleepover at a friends, she would know what to do, she always knows what to do. 

She’s getting pale and shaking, her purple lips take a deep breath before uttering “C-call 911.” The phone is in the other room, it pains me to leave her, but if I don’t get it, things will be worse. I have to do it, the operator on the phone hardly understands me, but after twenty minutes an ambulance shows up and takes us to the ER with sirens blazing. 

The baby is too small, too weak to be delivered but it must happen anyway if she is to survive. At least my father and Mikasa arrive to wait with me. The doctors say she wants to forgo her own health at a chance to save the baby’s, she must know the seriousness of her words. My father, being the doctor that he is, yells at the hospital staff and order them to save his wife at any cost. But the decision has been made without him. Hour pass, until the surgeons return with darkness painted across their faces. 

“There were complications with the C-section,” one says robotically, only holding enough warmth in their voice to sound marginally human, “we did everything we could, but neither your wife or the child made it. I am sorry for your loss.” I don’t understand, I don’t understand anything. Complications, complications, complications. It doesn’t make sense. Mikasa holds on to me as my father paces back and forth muttering about how this would have never happened at his hospital. And just like that, she was gone. 

“I think I like him,” Jean’s voice creeps into my head like an unwanted guest, “I didn’t want to admit it, but it but I do like him. He's supposed to be my friend but all I’ve been able to think about all day is kissing him and getting back into bed with him, not because he’s a good screw but because he’s Connie.” Jean's troubled expression causes me to make one of my own. 

“He won’t even look at me, why did I have to do this to us?” Jean entombs his head in his fingers, he’s been thinking about it so much it’s driven him nearly mad, “I hate this, I hate this so much.” I don’t have any words of wisdom, other than I told you so, but I’m not that level of cruel, I’m far worse. 

“He’s married, to Sasha,” I break the silence, full well knowing that it’s not a piece of information he needs right now. I don’t know why I say it. To be mean? To be helpful? Either way, it comes out like vomit at my feet, “they tied the knot today, he’s got a ring and everything.” 

“What?” this is news to him, “you’re lying, don’t say shit like that.” He shakes his head in disbelief. He doesn’t want it to be true, after all, I hardly believe it myself. I shrug and roll back into bed, I hear him get up and walk mindlessly around before storming out of the room without a word. A week passes, and things only get worse. Connie gets up early to shower just to avoid Jean, and I struggle to please them both but it only becomes more taxing on me. All Connie does is bitch and moan about Jean, and all Jean does is bitch and moan about Connie. I can’t help but blame myself for this, arguably, I could have easily stopped this from happening if I was just a bigger cock-block. 

I return back from the shower and get into bed, my sheets stink like cigarettes. Jean doesn’t seem to understand the concept of third-hand smoke, and always day naps on my bed when I’m here or not. It makes sense the sheets soak up the smell. I don’t know what’s wrong with his cell, his new cellmate seems fine, but still, he’s always here. I just want to sleep, but its hard too. 

I hear low voices just outside my door before the rattling of keys and the metallic turn of a lock. I crack open my eyes, the tube lights from outside casts blinding rays of light around a dark figure. 

“Sorry I was gone so long, I didn’t plan on it,” the figure says deeply with regret. The voice is familiar, no, it’s more than that. I wonder if I’ve finally gone full blow nuts and straight up lost my mind, because it was starting to feel like he was never going to come back. I shake my head and blink until my eyes adjust to the light and fall upon the face I had longed so long to see. He’s back, he’s really back! 

“Goddamn it, Levi,” I rush towards him, wrapping my arms around him, it feels like a lifetime. He stumbles back to the wall, something he’s holding clatters to the floor, but it doesn’t matter much to me. I just want to hold him and he just wants to hold me as if we’re the only people on earth. He smells different, not in a bad way, just different. His hair feels longer and as I kiss him, I can feel a bit of stubble scratch my skin. He breathes deeps through his nose and leans into me. I missed him and the weight of his body so much. 

“I missed you,” he says quietly, his silver eyes are seeping with emotion, “have you been well?” he caresses my face. I put my hand over his, I should be the one being worried not him. He looks healthy, maybe not 100% but a far cry to how he looked the day he made the decision to leave. His skin has some colour to it, even in the darkness. He looks alive and healthy, I couldn’t be any happier. 

“Good, now that you’re back,” I respond, he’s keeping all his weight on me, and upon casting my eyes down to his leg I see why. The moment of joy becomes bittersweet. He’s still wearing some sort of supportive brace that coves his toes to his knee, and that thing he dropped was silver forearm cane. He’s probably in pain, but it’s just like him not to say anything, “let’s sit down,” I take him under his arm and walk him to the bed. He looks glad to be seated, but upon my joining him his nostrils flare and he looks around suspiciously. 

“You smoke Newports now?” he looks at the sheets and yawns, he’s got a nose just as good as Mike it seems. 

“It’s Jean,” I sigh, the smell must be stronger than I think it is, I crawl into bed with him, being careful not to disturb his leg, “since Marco, you know, all he does is smoke and hang out here, even when I’m working or doing other stuff. I can’t get rid of him, since you’ve been gone everything is all messed up. I’m so glad you’re back, I need you more than ever.” 

“Sorry,” he pulls our foreheads together and takes a deep breath, “I’ll do my best to get things back on track, and take care of your Jean situation.” I’m not sure what that means exactly, but it makes me chuckle a bit. It’s still hours until breakfast, and we’re both so exhausted that falling asleep is easy. I missed the way it felt to sleep curled up to another person, listening to his familiar breaths and heartbeats. Now that he’s here, I don’t want him to leave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HE RETURNS


	29. The Jean situation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And bureaucracy

Levi’s ankle is worse than I have previously thought. Part of the metal pins and overall carpentry in his ankle and leg snapped. It caused an injury under the skin which quickly became infected and just as quickly spread to his blood causing sepsis after the first surgery. A part of the skin on his ankle was destroyed by the infection and had to be replaced with a section of skin from his hip to make it look normal. Which according to him, was more painful than the initial surgery. A pain in the ass, so to speak. 

I could see why he said his ankle looked like a cured ham, even though it is now healed the incisions sites are covered with tight scar tissue and walking still isn’t an easy task. I walk around everywhere slowly with him shoulder to shoulder, it’s doctors order that he gets on his feet as much as possible. He hates it but being honest, I really like spending the extra time with him. Having a proper excuse to be physically close to him out of our cell is an added benefit. 

“It’s the physio which I hate,” he grumbles over breakfast, it’s only the taste of the crappy prison coffee that makes getting up and getting awake tolerable, “the therapist is coming twice a week to torture me. Maybe I could ask if you could come along to learn, I’m sure you could pick it up quickly, plus you already have magic hands, which I missed a lot, frankly,” he grins softly, his smile is just as contagious as ever. 

“Of course,” I’d do anything to help him get better, and I think that’s true for everyone else in the prison. He’s only been out and about for a couple hours and everyone has been bombarding him with Welcome Back’s and thanking him for his efforts in the cafeteria. As much as he appreciates it, I can tell it’s starting to tire him out (a side effect of too much social interaction on a not very social person). 

The other guys start to clear out go to about their day until it’s only Levi, myself, Jean and Connie sitting at the long table. Jean and Connie sitting at polar opposite ends trying desperately to avoid looking at each other. The tension of who’s going to speak first is suffocating. If it was just me, usually one of them leaves on their volition first so I can hang out with the other, but now that Levi is here they both stand up and leave at the same time. They take their air of hatred with them, it feels like I can finally breathe. 

“Uh,” Levi cocks his head in confusion, “what just happened?” he looks at me, I try to think of an excuse to explain what’s going on but I end up getting tonged tied. I know Levi will somehow figure it out on his own, likely making things worse, it’s probably for the best that I do tell him what’s going on. 

“They did what?!” His jaw crashes to the floor like a ton of bricks once we’re alone in our cell, “you’re joking, you’ve got to be joking. Connie wouldn’t- especially not with Jean and he’s married now-” his mind is on the verge of implosion as he tries to make sense of something that doesn’t make any sense, “and they haven’t talked to each other at all?” 

I shake my head, “they just talk to me,” I cup my head in my hands thinking of all the hours I wasted listening to them bicker to me about the other, it's causing me to go mad, “a lot. It happened before Connie and Sasha tied the knot, the night before.” 

“If it was consensual, I don’t get why they’re being so weird about it for this long,” he’s baffled and can’t make heads or tails of it, “Jeans slept with everyone, it’s just about sex and it’s not a secret. Jean isn’t even proper gay, it’s not like Connie should think it means anything,” he pauses and goes back, this time giving me a careful look, “it didn’t mean anything, right?” 

“Uhhh,” I wipe the sweat from under my bangs, I start to regret bringing this up with him, his jaw hits the ground for the second time, “they both told me it was the best sex they’ve ever had. Jean thinks he might be in love with Connie and Connie won’t talk about it, with me at least.” 

Levi expels the air from his lungs, he had expected to things have changed a bit around here since he left but this wasn’t something that had ever crossed his mind, “I’ll talk to them,” he reaches for his crutch, “because this is getting out of hand and clearly they need to talk.” I stumble over my words trying to get him to stop and maybe re-think this, but his determination has led him out the door before I can get my concerns across. 

Whatever Levi said to them it hasn’t seemed to make a difference, they seem just as unnerved as the other as before, but Levi tells me that they’ll come around. Levi is as stubborn as he is smart, but I’m doubting that he’s much of a love guru when it comes to these things. After dinner, I decide it probably bests that I return Jean's books and other things he’s left in his cell. His CD player, his bird books, his extra clothes and junk food, I load it up into a box and head over to his cell. 

“Levi needs his desk back,” I kick open the door to his cell, “This should be every-“my words are met with two equally horrified eyes, I nearly drop the box on my toes. I had expected Jean to be staring out the window, doing push-ups or something, the last thing I expected was to see was Jean butt naked up against the wall with Connie balls deep in his ass, “S-s,” I start to apologize as the rouge fills every inch of my skin and total body paralysis kicks in, “ssor-” but the longer it takes to sound out the word the more uncomfortable it gets. The sheer terror in their eyes makes me give up trying to apologize entirely. I quickly close the door, I don’t remember walking back to our cell but somehow I made it with the box still in tow. I can’t even process what I just saw, never mind vocalize it to Levi who looks perplexed at my swift return.

“What hap-“ Levi starts to ask after staring at me for a number of minutes. 

“They were having sex,” I state blindly, still not believing it. I try to blink the image out of my eyes, but it does little to sooth the picture branded in them. 

“Ah, good,” Levi nods before picking up his book again. For someone who was so shocked in the first place, he doesn’t seem phased in the slightest. Maybe he doesn’t understand, I repeat my self again this time with more vigor. 

“What do you mean ‘ah, good’?” I exclaim under my voice as to not draw attention from outside, “this is a disaster! They probably got drunk again,” I can already hear them complaining and whining to me just as they had done the first time, “how are you so calm about this? They’re never going to speak to each other again!” 

He slowly closes his book and lowers his reading glasses, “Eren, I told them to do it again,” I sit down, I’m completely lost, why would he tell them to repeat the same mistake they want to undo, “to see if they still feel the same, maybe they’ll get over it realize it was just a fluke and see that they were overreacting or who knows, maybe they’ll become platonic butt-buddies or admit they’re into each other. Either way, it’s worth a shot,” he hobbles off the stool to the bed to sit beside me, “They’re going to be in here for a long time together, they should learn to deal with these things before it gets this bad.” I hope he’s right, I’m going to be in here with Jean for the rest of my sentence, the last thing I want to deal with is him bitching about Connie when he’s closing in on 40. 

“How do you always know what to do?” I sigh and rest my head on his shoulder wishing I had come up with this plan earlier. If this works, it’s possible I could have saved myself and them hours of awkwardness and annoyance. And if it doesn’t work, we’re no better off than before. 

“Wisdom comes with age,” he smirks, I suppose that’s the benefit of dating someone older than you. I plant a kiss on his cheek, then the other one and then his lips. He leans into me to return the kiss, his hands freely wandering around my arms and chest. 

“You’ve been working out, haven’t you?” he gently squeezes my forearm, I chuckle and nod, I’m glad he noticed. That’s one of the few benefits of hanging around with Jean, he likes to keep in shape to try to offset his gnarly, cancer-inducing cigarette habit. Lots of push ups and chin ups gave me some extra bulk, I’m impressed Levi can feel a difference after being away from me for so long. I lean in and give him a long and drawn out kiss. I still can’t get over how much I missed him but even so, I’m tired and it looks like he feels the same. 

The following morning Nile comes to collect Levi from our cell, “you have a visitor,” he growls keeping his eyes fixed on his clipboard, he appears to be put into an extra shitty mood. I get Levi his cane and walk with him to the visitor room. I wonder if its Hanji, I could imagine she and Nile aren’t on friendly terms, but when I look through the glass Levi sits with a chubby business suit-clad man. I wait around for a while, watching them talk over a stack of papers. Levi looks shocked more than anything, I hope it’s good news at least. 

Eventually, a guard tells me I can’t stand here all day and I make my way to the library, where Connie is sitting alone at our table reading some Star Wars book, “hey,” I sit across from him, I’m dying to ask him about the Jean situation I saw the other day. 

“Oh hey, Eren,” he looks up with a slight smile. He’s in a good mood compared to the last time they slept together, maybe it’s a good sign, “sorry about the other day,” he laughs at himself as he puts a slip of paper between the pages of his book to mark his place, “I didn’t mean for you to walk in.” 

“Oh,” I laugh, but it comes out a little bit nervously, “don’t worry about it, it’s not like I’ve never seen your junk before. So, are you and Jean good now?” I ask, even though it’s obvious they were more than good last night. 

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” he flips through the pages of his book, “we’re not in a relationship like you and Levi, or nothing like that, but, I don’t know,” he doesn’t seem to be able to find the words for what he wants to say, “we’re just gonna, you know, have sex now and then, no strings. It was really good again, for both of us, and why let my gigantic man bits shrivel up in here, right?” I sign pleasantly, sounds like they worked it out. But even still, I have a little worry in the back of my mind when it comes to drawing similarities between this and how Levi and I used to ‘borrow’ each other. We never talked about strings, but we ended up (obviously) developing feelings for one another. 

Connie fiddles with his wedding ring when Jean pokes his head into the library and approaches us with a few pieces of paper, “you just have to sign it,” he produces a pen and Connie leaves an elaborate signature at the bottom of a page. It’s an agreement for switching cells, it looks like they’re going to both move into Connie’s cell. Jean whispers something into Connie’s ear when he takes the signed paperback, whatever he said turned Connie’s face bright red. 

“You don’t go slow with anything, do you,” I nudge Connie when Jean heads back to the office to get the request approved. It’s probably not a bad idea, at least I won’t have to worry about accidentally walking in on them if they can do it at night like us ‘normal’ people. But it really does show their commitment for this. 

“Hopefully this works out ok,” Connie goes back to reading, “Jean’s just such a horny guy, hopefully, he doesn’t wear me out too much, I got to save something for my wife once I get out.” That much is true, I watch Connie and other people in the library read until I get bored and go back to our cell. Levi is sitting at his desk looking over papers, he’s so into whatever he’s reading that he doesn’t even notice me come in. He’s holding his pen like he’s going to sign it, but instead, he hesitantly lets it hover on its surface. 

“What’s that?” I wrap my arms around him from behind and he jumps. 

“Nothing, just some legal junk,” he puts the papers back into an envelope, whatever it is he doesn’t want me looking at it. I get the feeling that it's stressing him out. The muscles on his shoulders are tense, and deep crevices form in his brow perhaps it was his lawyer, “actually,” he tucks it away, he has had a change of mind. “I should talk to you about it, tonight maybe? I just need some time to process it.” 

“Sure,” I’m glad he’s going to share it with me, I appreciate the honesty. However, I was hoping that we could do some other things tonight. Long nights with just me and my imagination have come up with some pretty good ideas for ‘tonight’ stuff. But when the time finally comes, I couldn’t imagine anything he could say could possibly kill the mood more than the words that come out of his mouth. 

“There was a whistleblower, they want to retry my case with new information, it’s likely I’m going to get out.”


	30. Whistleblower

I’m awestruck. I would never have thought anything like this would ever happen. The chances of one of us getting out for good before out date should be nearly impossible. I try to think of what to say, “That’s-“ good for you, but sad for me, “wow-“ I run my hands through my hair with disbelief, “congratulations I-.” But it comes out a little overblown, it gives way to how I actually feel. Glad he’s getting out of this shit bin, but heartbroken that it doesn’t involve me. Things were just getting back to how they used to be and now, all of it is thrown up in the air. I need to sit down to even start to comprehend this. 

“Yeah,” he smiles bitter sweetly at the envelope clutched in his hands, his sweat warping the paper and fraying the edges, “you don’t have to pretend to be happy about it. I feel the same.” I lean against him, taking his hand in mind, he really took the words out of my mouth. I don’t know what I would do without him, and I don’t know how well he would function on the outside. I’ve never had to consider this a possibility. 

“You know me well,” I say, the words are heavy like bricks in my chest. 

“Anyone would feel the same, even me if you got let out prematurely,” he sighs, the envelope looks so insignificant sitting alone on the desk, but it holds everything that matters to his future and ultimately mine. Levi has served nine years for other people, nine years that he’ll never get back. As much as I want him to stay me in these crypts forever, it’s selfish of me to wish that on him. 

“But we shouldn’t get too excited right now,” his eyes settle on mine, I can tell this hurts him deeply, his brow is crunched in worry and conflict, “they won’t let me know who the whistleblower is, or ever what information they’ve given up until I sign these papers and send them in. For all I know, its all worthless information to my case by someone no one will take seriously-.” He rattles on, I can tell it’s for my sake rather than his. 

“Come here,” I pull him strongly into my chest, I don’t want to drag him down, he has the right to be happy about this. I do love him after all, and no matter where he is, that won’t change, at least I would like to think, “you more than anyone deserves to leave this place, it sounds like this is a good chance to get out for good. If the information was worthless, I doubt lawyers would be contacting you about it. ” 

He raises his head and cups the side of my face with his hand, his fingers gently comb through my hair as he studies my face, “I hardly deserve you,” he slowly inches closer towards me, his eyes narrowing at the prospect of sharing a proper kiss. It’s gentle, yet passionate beneath the surface. I’m trying to work out how I feel. I’m a tropical storm of mixed emotions. Happiness, irritation, resentment, hope, worry. I touch him under his shirt, he lets out a moan, sealing the deal for me. He pulls me on top of him, keeping our mouths and bodies connected. 

All I can think about is keeping him here with me, I don’t want to let him go. The unfathomable thought of him leaving pierces my mind as I hold him down at the chest, pinning him to the mattress. Its love that wants him to stay and love that wants him to go. 

“Loving you feels like torture sometimes,” I let my words slip past my unguarded teeth. He pauses for a moment, and I wonder if my words offended him. A low laugh shakes his chest, his arms knot behind my head pulling me back down. It seems he doesn’t want to let me go either, “The feeling is mutual.” I wonder if he means it the same way I do. My body grows warm, it feels impossible to hold myself back from devouring him whole after being apart for so long. Everything about him dives me insane. Come love or torture, he’s mine, and mine alone. 

I can feel his erection pulsating on my thigh I can’t help but wrap my hand around it and jerking him off firmly, letting the precum coat my hand. His body reacts to my grip, his hips press forwards into me. I add my cock to my first and stroke them together to get both us off.

I’m not going to stop kissing him, even if I die of lack of air. I can’t get enough of the taste of him and the way he feels in my hands. I rock our bodies and cocks together, intertwining our legs until it’s impossible to tell where one starts and another ends. He aches for me as much as I ache for him, “Eren,” he calls for me under a layer of breaths, a flash of realization passes his eyes, “you’re different, you’re so different from when we first met.” 

I smile between breath, keeping my hips in motion, “you’ve changed a lot too.” My movements draw hoarse moans from deep within his chest, “I’ve got you to thank for that,” he responds, I feel his whole-body quiver with pleasure as intense as a lightning strike. I want to exist as a normal couple with him, outside this place. I wonder what kind of work we’d have. Would we have a dog? Cat? Kids? An apartment in a busy city, or a farmhouse like where I grew up? But my dreaming can’t last forever as heavy footsteps walk up the stairs to the level of our units. Had I been thinking with anything other than my penis, I would have known it’s just after midnight, which means rounds. I’m about to stop when hands dig into my ass cheeks. 

“Forget him,” Levi senses my hesitation, he draws back my attention by asking for more, “I’m getting close,” he pants, his nails dig into my skin. “Don’t stop,” He whispers through sweat-soaked strands of hair, he strains to keep his voice down. I pull the sheet over us as his good leg wraps tightly around my back to pull me closer. The pressure is building in me too, I’m not going to be far behind him. I let go of my cock and jerk him off as I rut hard against him. I wish we didn’t have to worry about keeping our voices down and hiding from guards. 

I pull away from the kiss which grows sloppier by the second to better follow through on his request. I can hear the heavy foot steps closer to the door. I move as fast and as hard as I can until my head and body grow faint. It feels so good against him, I can’t take much more of this. The guards light passes under the door and leaves, seemingly without notice. I sigh with relief as my body overcomes me. I press my face into the pillow to the right of his head to avoid calling out his name. 

“I wish I was young like you,” he huffs after laying in bed with me for a while. His priority quickly switches from catching his breath to cleaning spooge off his stomach. Looks like some things never change. He gets out of bed to get a warm cloth. 

“You’re not that much older than me,” I laugh quietly as I catch my breath, I never really feel the eight or so odd years between us except when he brings it up, “but yeah, do you want to go again?” I add hopefully. He nudges me playfully, before wiping off my hands and getting back into bed. He lets out a long pleasant sigh, I cozy up to him. 

“Wouldn’t it be strange,” I go on, “if we met at the same age, do you think we’d feel the same about each other?” His eyes are closed but I can see his eyelids and brow crunch up in thought. 

“You would have hated me at 21, that’s for sure,” he speaks recalling memories that I sense are not all pleasant, “I was always trying to get a fix, obsessed with working out, more uptight than I am now, if you believe that,” we both have a chuckle, “I just hated everything and everyone. I wasn’t capable of like, never mind love, all I cared about was myself second to Hanji. She was good for me like you’re good for me.”

“I like Hanji,” I say, drawing circles on the back of his hand with my fingertip, “think you’ll live with her if you get out?” It's a question I ask for several reasons. By now, knowing him, he must have thought about plans. I want to know who and what they include. 

“Perhaps until I get a place, but I’d prefer not to,” he yawns, “I need to get my own life, she’s long since built one separate from me. I can’t blame her, to be associated with me would be taboo, that’s why I’m surprised she ever came to visit me, especially in uniform. The military guys at my ‘trial’ knew that,” he rubs his nose, “they used it against me, threatening to frame her along with me if I said anything about how they were mistreating the captives.” Perhaps it’s his way of saying that he keeps away from her for her benefit rather than his. It seems like she’s his only friend out there, it probably kills him to have to keep his distance. 

“That’s really sick,” I frown, they must have been desperate to use such lowball measures against him. He deserves a full trial with all the information, just like anyone. If the judge really knew what happened any sane person would be let go. I turn to him to say something else on the matter, but he’s already fast asleep. 

In the morning, Levi hopefully sends off the signed documents to his lawyer and waits a few working days for a reply. It’s a long and dull wait. Since he’s gotten back and the initial welcome has worn off, he finds himself bored and in need of work. He’s been suspended indefinitely from working in the medical ward since he admitted using drugs that may have belonged to the medical ward supply. Though they never found sufficient evidence that he was the thief, it blows all his chances in getting administration desk jobs within the prison. With an injured leg, it already limits his job choices so all he can do it take it easy until something comes up. 

He spends a lot of time in bed reading books, the doctor and the physiotherapist come in a few times to check on him, and it appears he’s healing well, however they want him to be more physically active so his muscles stay in use. I talk him into going for short walks around the unit and in the halls, it still a challenge for him and leaves him totally winded. 

Three days after the envelope was sent, were taking a day nap when Petra comes to collect Levi. A visitor. I straighten out his clothes and walk with him there. I see the man he was talking to last time, in front of him is even more legal type documents. I go back to the cell and wait for him to return, hoping that everything goes smoothly. 

I expect him to take as long as he did last time, but he’s back only after 15 minutes. When he enters the cell, I see his face. His eyes are drawn wide with horror, I rush up to him. Whatever was said the shock seems to have made him weak. 

“It was Hanji,” the words slip past his throat dryly, he looks up at me with eyes on the verge of tears, “she’s the whistleblower.”


	31. What it means

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *screams*

“What does that mean?” I ask him, looking into his eyes. 

“It means s-she’s given up her career for me and the others,” his voice rattles with the noticeable quiver of upset and disbelief, he looks as though he’s going to pass out, I reach out to steady him, “I didn’t want her to do this, I-I didn’t ask her to do this, I could never-” he rubs his tired eyelids, “I could never accept this.” I sigh deeply. She still does mean a lot to him, maybe even more than a lot. He has two envelopes in his hands, one packed with papers from his lawyers, and second is personally addressed to him. 

“She also wrote me this,” he passes it to me, though his fingers hold on to it tightly, “I didn’t want to read it in there, in case I got all emotional and made a fool of myself,” he clears his throat, but it does little to settle the upset in his voice, “can you read it, and tell me what it says? In your own words?” 

I nod and slowly open it, I’ll do it if it helps him. I brace myself for what it says while pulling out the cleanly folded paper inside. Her handwriting is lovely, I had imagined that it would be messy like some doctor’s but no, it's very neat and clean cursive. As my eyes pass over the words, I notice how clearly she writes, it’s all very to the point. He folds his hands nervously in his lap, I read over and wrap my hand around his to steady him. I read it in my head and read it again. I don’t know what I had expected, but I summarize the first half. 

“She said she’s sorry it took her so long, and that she wishes he had done it sooner,” his eyes drop to the floor when I speak, “also that she’s helping the other two with their cases. She says she supports you in taking either offer, and you’re an idiot if you don’t take her up. ” 

“She’s got that much right,” he lets out an exasperated shaky sign. He doesn’t know what to feel. Guilty, selfish, grateful or loved. The flurry of emotions seems too much for even him to bear. My eyes trace along the rest of the page in hopes of finding good news or anything to cheer him up, even if that’s probably not possible. 

“She also said the military will drop all charges and compensate you and the others financially if you don’t take it to trial,” my eyes raise up to him, he’s still a motionless wreck, “that’s something at least.” 

“Yeah, my lawyer mentioned that,” he clears his throat, “I didn’t even let him start talking about it, it’s not an option. It’s probably a few thousand lousy bucks, fucking cowards, ” he lets out a shaky groan. He’s probably right, could money be worth more than getting the truth out? I’m not sure. 

I read on a little more when my eyes fall upon the estimated figure of compensation they will be asking for, it nearly knocks me over. For a moment, my brain cannot even compute the numerical value of all the zeros in the number, “a million and a half dollars for each year spent behind bars and while remanded-“ 

Levi’s eyes widen into hockey puck sized circles, he surely didn’t expect that. For someone who joined the military out of financial necessity, a figure like that must be barely comprehensible. His eyes stay wide as they fall to his knees. His whole body goes completely numb. It’s a large sum of money on the table, but I wonder what the cost of freedom is worth. Is it too much? Not enough? Could I even put a price on it? I haven’t even been here a year yet, and this has been a rollercoaster of extremes in every direction. 

“They want to buy my silence, ” he rubs at his eyes as he swirls with inner conflict, his voice comes out small and unsure, “what am I supposed to do? Take the money and live with what I saw in silence, or go through another trial and have my heart ripped out for the second time and maybe get my freedom? I really don’t know, Eren.” He doesn’t look to me for guidance, he knows I can offer any. 

But if there is anything for sure, it’s that I want him to be free even it means I’ll be left here alone. As much as I love him, he doesn’t deserve to be in here like I do. From then onwards, he avoids the subject even if he spends a lot of time talking to lawyers and the other plaintiffs to get a better idea of what the situation is. I don’t pressure him about it, he probably doesn’t need the extra stress of me asking questions to his already massive workload of reading the contents of the jam-packed envelope. All I can do is be there for him if he does decide he wants to talk and look after him, usually by making him something warm and caffeinated. 

When Levi is busy, I drift back and forth from working and visiting Armin in the medical ward. He’s usually sleeping or reading (and about to fall asleep) when I see him most days. The medication they give him for the pain makes him lethargic. But, when I get there he perks up. Today, I bring him some instant oatmeal and a couple of books he’s asked for. He’s been set on re-reading every Stephen King book in the library. 

“You’re the best, truly,” he thanks me, adding the books to the nightstand with his other things. He sits up, pulling his hair back. He hasn’t been to get his hair cut in some time, its long enough that he can put all of it in a small ponytail. Somehow, it makes him look more mature. The burns on the side of his face and neck have healed well. Well, the skin is tighter and a little red, it almost looks normal. However, the other burns on his arm and back are still under dressings that must be changed frequently. 

“How are things with you and Levi?” He asks. 

“Good,” I sit down on his bed when he makes room for me, “he’s just stressed about all the paperwork. He insists on reading it all and taking notes so he can be prepared in meetings and eventually court, he’s always writing to Gunther and Eld too.” 

“I suppose if there is anyone who can handle paperwork, its Levi,” he laughs lightly, I echo his response. He’s right, Levi always manages to stay focused even with the most monotonous tasks. I listen to Armin talk about all the books he’s been reading for nearly an hour. He really has a unique and interesting way of describing the worlds, stories, and characters in the book as if they’re people he knows personally and traveled with. I get so sucked into it that I nearly miss the buzzer for dinner. 

I scramble to the dining hall and quickly eat my food with the others, though I don’t listen to anything they're saying or bother speaking. I just really want to lay down for a bit with a full stomach. Levi found us a cassette player from the electronics shop while he was looking for a desk lamp. When he’s not around I’ve been digging through the cassettes at the library and listening to mostly soundtracks from movies that were filmed long before I was born. 

It's laying in bed with gigantic headphones that I finally feel comfortable. The music is from ancient some romance movie by the cover of the case. Sweeping chromatic violin scales, mellow saxophone, and clarinets paired with light piano key sparkle. It kind of makes my heart move a certain kind of way, I feel Levi lay next to me. 

I feel his body melt into the mattress and even without looking at him I sense he’s stressed out. Surely, there is something I could do about that. With the music dancing in my ears, I slowly roll over and put my hand on his chest and another to his groin. Though upon rubbing my palm at the budge between his legs, he feels... wrong. It’s not him. I tear open my eyes expecting to see two narrow grey eyes looking back but instead, I’m met with two wide and embarrassed brown eyes. Its Jean, I just groped Jean? In a flood of embarrassment, disappointment and a little disgust, I punt him off the bed sending him tumbling to the floor. 

“That’s not how to treat a guest,” Jean grumbles from the floor, nursing his banged elbow. 

“Fuck off, Jean, don’t just get into my bed like that,” I groan and pull off my headphones, seeing as the music has lost its feel, “Jesus.” I rub my face, I was having a good time alone, why does Jean have to show up here and in my bed of all places? I couldn’t even imagine if Levi walked in a few moments ago. He sits there, pouting in his annoying little way. I throw a pillow at him and snap at him.

“The hell you want, Jean?” I’m not impressed, as I rarely am with Jean. 

He looks down to his hands to distract his motionless eyes and goes silent. No witty comeback, no snide joke or shit-eating smile. Just a sense of overwhelming gloom and pain. He pulls his bottom lip into his mouth as he sucks in air through his nose. Something is wrong, awfully wrong. My annoyance jumps into concern as he clears his throat to speak. 

He brings his hand to his forehead to shield his eyes from me, and when the words slip past his lips they are deeply distant, “Connie ended it with me.” He says with finality and disbelief. For a moment we sit in silence. Perhaps it was cruel of me to think Jean doesn’t have any feelings and worry about Connie first. I wrote Jean off as being some dumb, annoying, horny guy and never considered how he felt about all of this or how he would feel if it ended. I thought he had confused feelings of lust with love, because I suppose in a way, Connie was really the first guy in here to want him back. 

He has the look of a man who would cry if he was alone, but instead, he just holds it inside until his shoulders and neck light up with heat and tension. I sigh, he doesn’t need to give me any more details, this is heartbreak if I’ve ever seen it. He watches me as I slowly get back in bed and shuffle to the side so there is just enough room for him. I pat the empty space, like a lonely puppy he takes his place beside me.

The music streams in through the headphones between us and comes out as a fuzzy sparkle of layered sound. Seeing as the boom box is on the ground and probably going to tell me to flip it anyway, I don’t bother shutting it off.

“You and Levi were right,” he swallows hard and sighs, keeping his eyes firmly shut and his muscles tense, “Connie is straight, and I’m an idiot to think he’d want me for anything other than a hole replacement for his girl.” 

He has expressed multiple times that all he wanted was the sex and no relationship. He was adamant that he’s not into guys romantically since he started sleeping around in here, that it's just for fun. But If he wants more than just sex, it seems he must have been wrong about that. 

“I’m sorry, Jean,” I apologize quietly. I feel partially at blame for somewhat encouraging this in the first place and looking out for Connie first (I also feel a little bad for kicking him minutes ago). He’s hurting, he’s hurting a lot and it doesn’t feel like there is anything I can do to help ease his pain. All I can do is be a friend, I reach over and put my arm around him a pull him close. At first, his body stays stiff and doesn’t respond to the gesture, it’s almost like he doesn’t know what to do or how to feel. 

I think about how I felt when I was fighting with Levi and went to Jean for rebound sex. It wasn’t the sex I wanted, more than it was just to feel someone comforting me like someone else gave a fuck. And right now, that’s what Jean needs. He remains still and stiff. 

“What are you doing?” He says, his confused voice muffled by my arm. 

“Hugging you,” I squeeze him harder, and grumble, “Just deal with it, alright?” 

He lets out a long drawn out sign, “Just don’t make it weird,” if I could see his face he would probably be pouting right about now. I try not to think about how annoying he is and just focus on letting him know that I’m here for him. It takes a while, but soon I begin to feel his tense muscles unwind one by one. My good vibes are working. He’s warm, a lot warmer than Levi. Maybe it’s because he’s bigger or because he’s so pent up right now. 

With the music still seeping through the headphones, I’m starting to become relaxed again and so is he. I feel him quiver slightly, and sniffle a few times. Knowing saying something about him crying over Connie will piss him off, so I pretend not to notice. I nearly fall asleep when he jerks awake at the sound of the cell door opening. 

“I just talked to-,“ Levi steps into the cell sounding tired, the moment his words stop is when nearly drops the envelope he’s holding. His eyes swell with disbelief and shock, I hadn’t realized how bad this must look. Jean beats me too it, as he fumbles with words while peeling himself off of me. Levi is probably thinking something indecent was going on, and I would never- 

“It’s fine, it’s fine,” Levi shuffles to get a better grasp on the envelope. His wide eyes sink back into their normal position, he doesn’t look angry at all, he lets out a yawn, “I ran into Connie, I know what this,” he draws a circle around us with his index finger,” is about, don’t worry.” He smiles weakly at me, my heart drops back into my chest. I’m glad I don’t have to try to explain why I’m in bed with Jean. 

“I’m just mad you didn’t invite me to your sad snuggle party,” he sets his crutch and folder down and rolls past Jean into the bed. The springs below the mattress and the bunk frame creak under the weight. There is hardly enough room for two grown men, let alone three. Levi is laying mostly on top of me with some of him resting over Jean. I'm relieved to see him back, but I also want to be able to breathe. He smooches my head, “Jean,” he looks over at him, “you didn’t think I ’d let you have Eren all too yourself. You’re not the only sad gay here.” He looks back at me, his eyes narrow into a smile as he kisses me properly on the lips. I’d be lusting after that since last night. Even though I’m tired and so is he, I really don’t want to take my hands off him. 

“I should leave,” Jean struggles to get Levi off of him, and to get out of the bed in one piece, “this is starting to turn into a bad threesome porno script.” He rolls off the bed and begins to straighten his clothes and rub his tear stained eyes. 

“No, no, no, it’s fine, I’m just glad to see Eren,” Levi straightens his hair and yawns, he must know how hard Jean is hit by this to be so nice about it, it’s pretty out of character, “stay, I’ll make you something to drink, okay?” 

For a second Jean looks baffled by Levi’s kindness, but once Levi gets out of bed to fill the kettle Jean sits back down on the bed comfortably. Levi boils the water and pours it into his favourite mug with a tea bag and plenty of sugar. 

“Thanks,” Jean mutters as Levi puts the hot mug into his hands, but he’s undoubtedly appreciative of the gesture. We rest in silence as he takes the few first sips, it’s probably scorching, but it doesn’t seem to bother him much. 

Levi sits at his desk across from us and props his head up with his elbows, from the smug look in his eyes I can tell can’t help himself not make a comment about what Jean said earlier, “why a bad threesome? You really think that low of our combined sexual protentional?” I feel my face burning, I want to cover myself with the sheets. He really can’t help himself. 

Jean groans and sets the cup down, “I ain’t saying it will be bad, but I don’t know how it will work with three bottoms and no top.” He looks up with that shit eating grin of his, perhaps Levi has his own way of cheering people up. 

“Ouch,” Levi makes a face, he looks unimpressed but amused at the same time, “but really,” he leans in Jeans direction and lower his voice to the grain “we both know I could easily fuck your brains out and have you begging for more,” I roll over on my face and smother myself with the pillow to avoid looking at either of them. Truthfully, the thought of a threesome has crossed my mind since I had sex with Jean, and right now my face is probably lighting up with embarrassment. 

Jean scoffs, but when he looks out of the corner of his eye he looks as though he’s considering it. “I’m just bugging you,” Levi gives him a light friendly smile, he pauses, I’m half expecting him to say something nice but instead I get, “Eren could probably fuck your brains out too.” I groan and Jean laughs for the first time since he got here, I involuntarily join in the laughing. Levi has an awfully strange way of cheering people up. 

“Listen,” Levi’s voice goes back to its normal caring tone, “I’m sorry about Connie, that really sucks, man. Do you mind if I ask what happened? He seemed really angry about it.”

“It’s dumb, and probably my fault, I got attached,” he wraps his fingers around the mug tightly, “last night we had sex, and in the morning he was still in bed with me, naked. He looked so cute just sleeping there, I didn’t think, I leaned over and kissed him to wake him up and he freaked the fuck out,” he laughs under his breath, but the look in his eyes is painful, “for a second, I thought he was going to punch me out. Honestly, I can’t be with him anymore, this happened before, and I cannot deal with it again.” It's worse than I thought. 

“Damn,” Levi shakes his head, pressing his thumb into his lip, a troubled look spreads slowly across his face, “I guess Connie is more high-strung than I thought.” Jean nods in agreement. I wonder if I can really blame Connie for acting this way when we all knew he was straight this whole time. I think I wanted him to be something else. I imposed my own wishes on to him, I supposed we all did since Levi made the suggestion that they try it again. 

“I’m sorry, Jean,” I deeply apologize to him for the first time. I really meant it because in my gut I feel responsible for his pain. There is probably nothing I could do other than help him end it with Connie as smoothly as possible. And that’s what we do. Jean bitterly packs up his things gets moved back to his old cell with our help before lights out. It's like nothing changed. 

After two weeks, things once again settle back into their normal and boring rhythms. Aside from Jean and Connie not speaking, the only thing that changes is how affectionate Levi is towards me. He lovingly puts up with all my shit and lays kisses on me at every opportunity. We go everywhere hand in hand and scarcely spend a minute apart. At night when we’re laying in bed talking he tells me how much his face hurts, so much that he thinks the doctor should check up on him. When I start laughing, he looks offended as he rubs the sides of his face. He can’t seem to put two and two together, so I do it for him, “It’s because you’re smiling so much, idiot.” 

He furrows his brow for a moment to consider it while nursing his face. It takes a moment, but when his mouth is shielded by his hand, his eyes narrow into a smile, “you might be right. Smart boy,” he leans over and kisses me gently on the lips before lingering near me. When he breaths, it deep and slow, it gives away the feeling that he’s trying to suppress. 

The soft glances, frequent kisses, and just as frequent sex are just some pleasant symptoms of a larger problem, at least for me. He’s happier than I’ve ever seen him, but below the surface, he’s crippled with fear of the unknown. The buy-out/silence offer is tempting, but he declines it at first. In the beginning, he is determined to take it to trial and win fair and square. But as the meetings and court prep begins, the thought of being put on the stand again was beyond overwhelming to him. He’d gets ripped from his sleep with violent cold sweats and nightmares over it. The way they lied, framed him and pulled his name through the mud, the thought of going through it again was too much. He said he was going to stay strong and do it for Eld and Gunther. Even if they might be on not-so-good terms, they put trust in his decision no matter what he chooses. Be it the money or the trial, they will follow his lead. 

Stress filled days and restless nights go by as he plans for the retrial. Though its odds of winning the retrial are good (approximately 75% by all estimates). He tells me that he feels like he would rather die than stand in front of them and argue his innocence. Because this time they’re not just going to tear him apart but Hanji and all her credibility as well. At a meeting with opposition lawyers, he makes a snide comment saying he would settle if they double the original settlement for everyone involved. He doesn’t think they’ll take it, it was hardly a real question. But to his dismay, they discuss it briefly and accept it. He’s given a paper to sign that will make him richer than he could have ever imagined. 

It’s the pressure that gets to him. He feels obligated to do the right thing and go to trial but is terrified at the prospect of just that. It’s a rash decision and one about self-preservation more than anything, but after having the document in his position for a few days - he signs it. Taking their money for his and the others silence. It comes with double-edged relief. For a while, it lessens his nightmares. But soon his nights become filled with angry souls of those he let down for money. He feels like shit in every which way and I don’t blame him. 

The trial that was set months into the future and, under normal circumstances, would have lasted a number of years. But because he accepted their offer, it transforms into a short hearing that will be set next week while the final details are pounded out. It goes by quickly, like a dream and before I know it, the night before he’s going to leave I find myself laying beside him in bed like I do every night. It all feels so small, normal and insignificant, one can easily forget how things are about to change for good forever in a matter of hours. 

He looks me softly in the eye, “It’s not fair, is it,” he whispers lowly, the pain in his voice is evidence when he swallows hard, “in order for me to be free, I have to leave the only person who makes me feel free,” his eyes close, from between a thick spray of eyelashes come tears, his wet eyes meet mine, “I can’t be with anyone but you, you’re the only one for me, Eren.” I curl up closer to him, I can’t put how I feel into words. 

I need him more than anything, he feels like my other half. I know he’ll be faithful to me once he’s free, but that’s not what’s bothering me. Prisoner code of conduct outlines that we’re not allowed so much as a letter or phone call by previous inmates. I would be left with no legal way to connect with him for the rest of my sentence. We haven’t talked much about how it’s going to work when he’s out, for now, we just want to pretend things are fine as they are. It’s a dream, all of it. 

“I know,” I caress him, feeling his body melt into mine, all I can think of is savouring every touch and word, “I love you, Levi.”


	32. Play and repeat (Final chapter)

The day he’s set free is bittersweet. Everyone in our unit throws him and Gunther a ‘fuck off’ party. Snacks, soda, prison hooch, and loud music. Even outside the prison, reporters eagerly await to catch a glimpse of the innocent model prisoner who saved his fellow inmate's lives be set free. It’s a good story, all of it, it really is. I wrap my arms around him and he does the same. My heart aches and fills my throat with scratchy tears. I try to bite the inside of my cheek to keep myself from balling like a baby but when I feel his tears hit my chest, I let it go. 

I don’t want him to leave and I know he wants to stay or for me to come with him. The pain in my heart is more than anything I’ve ever felt. The unimaginable pain makes me feel heavy with sickness from my head to my toes. It weighs me down like rocks tied to my ankles as I look up to the sky past the increasing ceiling of water above. All I can do is hold him and burn into my mind what he feels like what he smells like. We’ve been through so much together and all I want is for it to continue. 

I worry about him, being out there alone. Without guidance and support, he could easily fall back into a dark place but I just have to trust that the person who I watched become buried, then sprout, grow and blossom will stay strong in the face of adversity. I don’t want him to have to cling on to me, I want him to experience life as he’s never done before and live more than he’s ever lived. He deserves freedom, happiness and to enjoy being alive. I messed up and ended up here, but this is a new chance for him to write the next chapter. 

“I love you more than anything, Eren,” he affirms with a heavy heart, “I’ll wait for you, and the day you’re released, I’ll come for you,” his tear stained eyes reach to meet mine, “I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” 

“I love you too,” My voice cracks and through our tears we both laugh, “don’t spend the next 14 years waiting, live your life for yourself and me, promise me?” He nods and kisses me with shaky lips. The guard over watching us clears her throat as a sign that we’re out of time when it feels like a lifetime couldn’t possibly be enough. 

“Anything, for you,” he sweeps his fingers under his eyes before taking a deep breath and shaping a tearful smile, “I’ll see you then, I’ll have some damn good stories for you, and you better have some for me, you got it?” 

“I got it,” I sniffle and release him with a sense of finality, “you take care of yourself.” 

“You too.” 

And just like that, the guards tell him its time and he gathers his rucksack and mattress before he’s taken out of the unit. I watch him and wave with the others who cheer for his and Gunther’s much-earned release. The moment his eye contact is forcibly broken from mine with the slam of the solid iron door my body goes numb. Even though I’m in our unit surrounded by people who care about me, I couldn’t feel more alone. I scratch my arms and fiddle with my clothes, I don’t know what to do. I’m about to go back to my cell (and probably spend the next few hours crying) when I feel a hand tap on my shoulder. It’s Armin. I don’t exactly want to see anyone now, but maybe its better to be sad in company than sad alone. 

“I’m sorry about Levi,” he says gently with a sympatric nod, “he wanted me to give you something, it's in my cell, do you mind if we get it?” I agree, but I don’t know what it's about, but now that I think about it I do recall Levi and Armin talking off and on more than usual in the last few weeks. I hesitantly follow him back to his cell. 

Under his bunk, amongst bags and bins of art supplies and books he pulls out an old looking microphone and a cassette labeled MixTape – “For Eren” in Levi’s tidy hand, “He said that you’re pretty handy with that old tape deck, better than me. Maybe this means something to you, he gave me this paper to give to you too.” 

I slowly take it all slowly from him, Levi hadn’t mentioned anything about this. The mic looks pretty rattled, I’d be surprised if it even works. I really don’t know what he expects me to do with this, but still I thank Armin. I’m sure this is just Levi’s way of trying to help me be less bored and alone in here by giving me more tech to mess with. After all, I’ve been making some mixed tapes on my spare time. 

When I get back into my cell, I pop the mixtape into the tape deck. A familiar electronic drumbeat and then baseline seep in through my headset, its Whitney Houston, How Will I Know. Levi has always had a weird obsession with 80’s and 90’s pop and R&B. It’s heartwarming to have something he made for me. I rest my head on the pillow, I can’t help but get emotional about it. I had planned for us to live out the rest of our sentence in this cell together, and its hard to imagine it being another way after all that we’ve been through together. It was like I blinked and he was gone, I’ll probably spend years trying to process it. 

_“Hello?”_ it’s Levi’s voice followed by a mic pop. My eyes rip open, I expect to see him standing in front of me but I’m alone in the cell. I put my hand over the headset as if to pull him closer, his voice filters in through them. 

_“Hopefully it’s working this time, fucking lousy piece of-,”_ it is him, or his disembodied voice anyway. My heart swells in my chest, it feels like it’s going to break through my ribs, _”I’m going to try to be romantic, for once in my life,_ ” he sighs deeply and pauses before laughing lowly, in the background I can hear the sounds of prison and low talking. I swear I hear Connie, he must have recorded this from our unit. 

_”The only thing I’ll miss from prison is you, your laugh, your passion, your warmth. You’re the only thing that keeps me going, keeps me wanting to move forward. Without you, I’d- I’d be lost, truly,”_ he takes a deep breath, _“I wanted to tell you about this sooner, but I didn’t know how to bring it up. I guess I didn’t want this to be our new reality, I kept hoping things would turn out differently, but now I know otherwise. When we’re apart, I want to hear your voice, listen to your problems and be a part of your life as long as you allow me to. I’m going to send you tapes like this every week, and I want you to send me some too. You mean the world to me and I love you more than I thought was ever possible. I left some instructions with Armin, make sure you get them, they explain everything,“_. There is a clamor from the recording and for a moment he pauses, _”I got to go, I think you want to go outside because you’re looking around for me,”_ he lets out a warm laugh, its full of love of the purest kind, _,“God, you’re so cute, Eren. I love you, with all my heart. I look forward to hearing your voice again.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ENDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
> 
>  
> 
> Final notes: 
> 
> WOW I CANT BELIEVE THAT’S IT. this is the fruits my labour of almost a year (As a side project during uni anyway!) THANKS FOR DEALING WITH ALL MY GRAMMAR, TYPO ISSUES AND BITTERSWEET (MOSTLY BITTER) ENDING LMAO So here's what really happens bc im sure u want to know 
> 
> Levi decided to use the tapes instead of other means of communication because it’s the safest for Eren. All it requires Eren to do is mail the tapes to a PO box and receive them! Since all letter mail is scanned by guards, they don’t have time to listen to tapes that come in. It guarantees that they won't be listened to and that the message will be safeguarded. 
> 
> When it comes to sending messages they’re both pretty awkward at first. But soon it feels like second nature as if they’re just talking to another person. Levi gets a Polaroid camera and sends pictures to Eren if his new life! Since Levi got a (big ass) settlement, he’s really living the life that he missed since he was imprisoned. He sends Eren pictures of his apartment, his cat (which he adopted because it looks like Eren, but Eren doesn’t think it looks like him at all (it literally just looks like him)) and the places he travels too. He goes all over the world and makes a point of visiting places tourists don’t go to often. 
> 
> Since he his is forbidden to speak of what happened out in the desert, he tries to give back to the community that was wronged by his comrades all those years ago. He donates his money, time and effort into rebuilding and resettling locals into their once war torn homes. 
> 
> Levi reconnects with Hanji (as friends), he’s beyond grateful to her for helping set him free. Shes no longer serving in the military and instead works aboard with doctors without borders and works with other charities getting prosthetics to adults and children who were injured by mines and in war.
> 
> While in prison, Connie and Jean never really make up. Perhaps some things can’t be solved easily. Eventually, Connie’s sentence is up, but only a year later he’s back with a longer sentence for a more serious crime. Eren learns that people come and go, and he takes things as they are. 15 years is a long sentence, for Levi and Eren it's painful, but each night the pain is remedied by listening to their lover’s voice on cassette tapes until they fall asleep. 
> 
> When Eren is released, Levi is there to greet him. All though they’ve all grown older, their love hasn’t faded, and they’re committed to spending the rest of their life together HAPPY EVER AFTER!!!!!!!!
> 
>  
> 
> final final note: if ur ever super bored and in need of an ereri writing prompt WRITE ONE OF THEIR TAPE RECORDINGS *and send it to me* THX BLESS


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